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ok - here's another stupid marriage fight
DH's parents called the other morning while DH was still in bed. I talked to them for a few minutes and then the convo kinda petered out and we got off the phone (they were also in teh car and trying to talk at the same time and DD was yelling at me). They didn't ask to talk to DH and I didn't offer. DH was pist at me and thinks I should have offered him the phone and he's hurt that his parents didn't ask for him.
I think the problem is that DH's mom and I are locked in a bit of an etiquette battle over this (and this issue has come up before w/ DH). I was raised to wait for a the caller to ask to speak to whoever they want to speak to and it feels very, very unnatural to suggest a caller speak to another person, like I'm someone pushing the caller off on the other person unless they ask. My MIL feels like its rude of her to ask for DH when I answer the phone, as though she's unsatisifed w/ talking to me. I also don't know why DH doesn't just pipe up and ask for the phone. We're all stuck in some passive phone manners funk.
Reading this back, I sound like a douche, but it really does not come naturally to me to offer another person to caller. Am I the only person that was raised to waii for the caller to ask for whoever they want? What do you do when your inlaws call?
There's also an issue that my SIL NEVER answers the phone when ILs call and I don't want to be like that either.
Re: ok - here's another stupid marriage fight
I think you all sound a little ridiculous. If she wants to speak to her son, she should ask. If you know she wants to speak to him, you should offer. If he wants to speak to her, he should ask. It's really not complicated. I get that you feel as though she should be asking, but it almost sounds like you're just digging your heels in on principle because you want her to do it the way you want her to do it.
We have a landline but we don't really get calls there. Our parents call our cells and DH's parents always call his and my parents always call mine. Honestly, I think you're both being kind of silly. I see nothing rude with chatting with MIL for a few minutes, then asking if she'd like to talk to DH (since that's probably why she called, right?). And on the flip side, it would be fine for her to ask to talk to DH after chatting with you for a minute.
I can see where it would be a little rude if the convo was "Hello? Oh hi MIL, let me get DH?" or "Hello? Hi K, it's MIL, can I talk to my son?" But as long as there's a little small talk first, it's no biggie IMO.
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You're right...this one is pretty stupid.
Hey, at least you realize that all three of you are being weird!
Like PP's, we haven't had a landline in years so everybody just calls our cells, but I'm also notorious for not answering my phone. So not infrequently H will get a call on his phone and then hand it to me. Whoever is calling for me says, "Hi B. How you doing? I'm actually trying to get a hold of Wawa. Is she around?" And then he hands me the phone. Not hard.
But we also answer each other's phones if it's handy, so I have no issues saying, "Oh hi, MIL/FIL/Random Friend, how are you? Did you want to talk to B? He's in the other room/mowing the lawn/playing with the dog. Lemme get him." And even if MIL or FIL calls my phone to ask me something I usually end our conversation with "did you want to talk to your son too?" Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.
And if H realizes I'm on the phone with his parents and he wants to ask them something he tells me to hand over the phone when I'm done.
This really isn't complicated.
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I was always taught that if you want to speak with someone, you ask for them. Don't assume that you will be handed off to them.
I think you are being a bit passive-aggressive, but I would be inclined to do the same thing, unless I didn't really want to talk to them.
I actually know what you mean about feeling weird - I do it, but it's always when I run out of stuff to say ("so here's H!" or "you want to talk to Mom now?"). I never assume someone is calling to talk to someone else unless they ask. There are ways all around of not being rude - "oh hey is that Becky? Let me talk to her when you're done" - "listen, is Becky available? I just wanted to check in" and so on and so forth.
So while I do think you all are being a little ridiculous since you all seem to know there's an issue, I don't necessarily think the fact that there IS an issue with this is super weird, does that make sense? But I do think it's weird that you know she won't ask for her son and you don't offer to let her talk to him if you answer the phone, and I also think its weird that your husband was hurt because his mom didn't ask for him (to be honest I think that is the weirdest part of all.) Different people have different standards of protocol or etiquette sometimes and I think it can be hard to understand that - but now you all KNOW that you have these different standards and yet no one is willing to bend.
Clearly his mom doesn't think its rude if you say "hey here's hubby." Clearly she won't think it's rude if you say "do you want to talk to H?" So I'm not sure why you all are still at this impasse.
This makes me laugh but yes, I agree with LLHR.
Honestly, when the phone rings and it's my ILs, neither DH or I answer. He pretty much avoids them and I do the same. It's only my MIL that calls anyway and she is very socially awkward on the phone (read: will ask a question and after I give an answer will just sit silent for 10 seconds on or until I say something) so neither of us like talking to her.
my IL's call, I make small talk until it fizzles out...then I say "well let me get Mike" or they say "is Mike around". They are calling to talk to their son (or if it's me there's a clear reason we get to right away) but it is polite to have a small conversation with the other person