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SD got in trouble at school : Advice please
I was at home sick yesterday & DH called me at about 12 to tell me that SD's teacher had called him b/c she had gotten into a skirmish with a boy in her class. It seems that on Friday the boy threw a ball (a big rubber bouncey ball, I think) and hit SD with it. She got mad and shoved him & it escalated from there. There was some name calling, I'm sure from both sides, to go along with it.
The teacher talked to EX about it Friday night & she told DH that EX just kind of brushed it off as a boy/girl thing. I'm assuming that she (EX) thinks that this boy likes SD & him throwing the ball at her was like pulling her pigtail to show that he liked her. The teacher doesn't think that this is the case & neither do DH & I. Even if it were it doesn't matter, she shouldn't have shoved him.
Back to yesterday, the teacher called b/c SD & the boy got into it again Monday morning. ::sigh::
I'm all for SD standing up for herself but shoving and name calling isn't the way to go about it. The teacher told DH that she chose to give them each a warning & wouldn't write them up. If she had SD would have been sent to the headmaster & possibly suspended.
DH has grounded her. No TV, phone or computer for a week & has explained to her if this ever happens again the punishment will be much worse.
So here's my question. How do I explain to her that it's ok to stand up for herself but not the way she went about it? What would you say to her?
Thanks for the advice.
Re: SD got in trouble at school : Advice please
Wow. Tough situation. I was one of those girls that always fought back against the guys, but usually kept it out of authority view (oops!). I do want to point out that possibly this is the beginning of some of the stress SD has been under with her mom's behavior (even though she defends her mom) starting to pile up on her. I really hope that isn't the case, and it is just this punk picking on her.
You might first talk to her and see how far back this has been going on, what has been said and done by both, and try to get to the bottom of it. I think it could really depend on what is causing this in how you move forward with advice to her.
I would point out that shoving and name calling is not okay to do to anyone, even boys. Let her know that you understand it can be hard to hold your temper when someone is picking on you, but that if she can find a way to brush it off and act like it doesn't bother her, or that he is just and idiot, her and his friends will start realizing this boy IS an idiot! Let the mob handle him, haha! No, seriously though, I can understand how hard it is to act like something doesn't bother you, but she needs to portray herself as she is "above this little kid behavior." I think making it sound as she can be more mature than this kid, in a cool girl way, will help her grasp on to it and maybe make her want to behave in that matter.
Hope that helps and that I wasn't just rambling!
I agree w/Danie that acting like it doesn't bother her and let the mob at him is a great approach. I know, harder said than done but if she tries it at least once I think she'll get what you're talking about.
You've probably hear the song The Gambler from Kenny Rogers "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"
My stepson is in a debate club, and he has learned to retort with words pretty well, it's like a challenge to see how much more intelligent you can sound. My brother was quite the expert at debating too even without being in a club, and he would call me something that I didn't know what it meant, and that was how he came off superior. Maybe some tactic like that might help her feel better that she can act smarter than he is so she's still getting some kind of "revenge" if he's mean.
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Great advice. Thanks to you both. I may wait until later this week to talk with her about it so she doesn't think that I'm lecturing her. It will give her time to reflect on it too.
Thank you so much.
Is it bad that there is a little part of me that's like GO SD for fighting a boy! (Reasons why I should not be a parent yet, lol).
Anyway, Danie and Lisa gave you really good advice and I don't have much to add. It's so hard when you are young to realize that whole "being the bigger person" thing, but it's SUCH and important life skill. I mean, what got her grounded in this case could have gotten her suspended, but if she did that as a grown up it could have put her in jail. That may be a little *too* scary for such a young kid, but it's true!
Good luck, let us know how it turns out
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We've always told Amanda that if someone starts something with her it's ok to stand up for herself but never get physical unless there are absolutely no other options. But by no means does she EVER start something with another kid.
I would sit down with S and explain to her that name calling and shoving are not appropriate, and ask her to explain the history with this boy and why things have gotten to where they are. Maybe from there you can come up with a solution. If he's bullying her, perhaps it's time for DH to have a talk iwth the teacher and possibly the kid's parents.
I did this yesterday & I asked SD why she thought he tackeld her while they were playing soccer. Well, it turns out that she was teasing him. I told her that he shouldn't have tackled her BUT she shouldn't have teased him. I told her that she shouldn't expect him not to react when she was antagonizing him. I didn't tell her this part but I think it kind of taught her a lesson about teasing - getting tackled & all. I'm not saying that he should have tackled her but she learned that there are consequeces to her actions (not just the ones her Dad gives her).
Of course EX thinks she was completely innocent in all of this even though she's been told differently by SD's teacher & DH (b/c of SD's admission).
::sigh:: I think EX may soon be on the warpath.