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Advice? But mostly just a vent
So I recently became exclusive with my first SO since XH. I have been single for almost a year and the divorce is behind me but I am having trouble adjusting to a relationship. It seems that he is just really needy now that we made it official.
I am really independent and I have a TON going on so I am not used to someone calling me all the time and wanting to see me. Most guys I have casually dated I only saw once or twice a week and we texted throughout the day but rarely had long phone conversations. SO calls me when he gets out of work, and usually at least before he goes to bed but this morning he called me at 6am before I went to work because he missed me and wanted to hear my voice. I just feel smothered.
I have made it clear all along that 1) I really hate to talk on the phone if it is just to chit chat 2) I have a very busy schedule and I also have hobbies and friends etc 3) I do not want to have someone I am dating spending the night the majority of days during the week because I have to be up early and.. I just like my space. I just feel like I have communicated effectively my wants and expectations and I am frustrated that it really isn't happening.
I am overwhelmed. I know that I really just need to talk to him again which is why this is more of a vent than asking for advice. Does anyone identify with how I am feeling or am I weird?
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Re: Advice? But mostly just a vent
How long have you been together? It sounds new but I'm just checking.
I think that when someone is too needy too early on that is not a good sign. You are an independent person with a life, that is a GOOD thing. He should be understanding of that and admire that quality about you.
Honestly if you've already communicated all of this to him, it appears he's not getting it. I would reevaluate where you're at and possibly break it off.
I'd just tell him flat out before you get pissed off. You like to talk to him and see him but need it to be less frequent. If that's not what he wants, maybe you're not compatible. Better to find out sooner rather than later.
I get annoyed when someone calls or text to tell me they miss me too because it's needy and annoying, but from the sound of it, you don't seem to want a relationship with him. I don't think talking to someone 2x a day is too much if you're in a relationship with them.
ETA: Is this a new relationship? Then yeah that's a bit much...
I agree with AChase. I've found in my past relationships that when a guy is too needy early on, it usually equates to character flaws later on.
Yes. New relationship. We just had the exclusivity talk last week.
Edit: By last week I mean two days ago. My days have become a huge blur
Yeah, I agree that you just need to talk to him about it again.
You sound like me, and I would hate that, too. For a couple of reasons: I like having my own life and time to do my own things. I also really enjoy "alone time" on a regular basis.
The other reason being that I have a history of losing myself when I'm in relationships -- it seems that I lose my identity as an individual and become too wrapped up in the relationship and the guy, which is bad for lots of reasons, and usually ends up leading to resentment and my feeling trapped, even though it's usually my own fault. I am moving really slow with The Artist partly for this reason.
So no, you're not weird
Space and time to yourself is good, and he needs to know that's what you need. I know you said you've already talked to him about these things, but perhaps he needs to hear it one more time.
(it's this guy? -- http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/58991563.aspx)
I had a talk with my BF about something similar, he doesn't call me all the time though.
In general we hang out every other day. He is a big cuddler and I am not. I need more space. Though when we talked he was really receptive. It was different for him to be with a woman who is not clingy and it almost made him insecure for a short time.
We talked, we listened and came to an understanding. Of course we had been together for a while and he was not like that in the begining... or after the talk... I don't think I would have been able to handle that in the early stages!
Yeah, it is that guy.
We're kind of going out.
I identify with OnlyaFool (similiar history with losing self in past relationship) so from this standpoint, I say kudos for you for recognizing different needs so early on. Keep your eyes open and continue to observe to see if this is a major difference or some sort of character flaw.
I agree mostly with PP...theres nothing wrong with needing your own personal time/space to do your own thing.
Maybe Im the minority but I think its sweet when my bf calls or texts me taht he misses me....but its not at 6 in the morning! Id kill him!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Yeah, I know. Which is so not like me. We had a couple pretty long dates and have a lot in common. That was probably my first mistake.
Woah there, you met him two weeks ago and you're already exclusive and he's bugging the crap out of you? I'd reevaluate.
Actually, now I am curious whose idea it was to be exclusive.
If it was his idea, this is painting a picture of a kind of needy guy. Doesn't sound like your type, Ninja!
It was his for the most part. I mean.. he told me pretty quickly that he could see himself being with me. After hanging out some more I told him that I wasn't dating anyone else and that I wanted to see where it went with him.
I think I just got swept up in the fact that he is such a refreshing change from the creeps that make up the majority of online dating.
Understandable. It sounds like you are on 2 completely different pages though. You can not date other people without being joined at the hip. You need to talk with him stat and if it doesn't change I would really reconsider this relationship
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
No. He has been single for a little over a year as well. I initially thought of that too.
Maybe he wanted phone sex?
I have no idea what he wanted, but I know what I wanted was more sleep.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10