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Is my mom right?
My biological father took off when I was a kid, my mom & him were teens when they had my brother & I. He had drug problems, etc. My uncle was part of our lives when we were younger and then lost contact for a while due to busy lives, etc. My aunt (his wife), cousin, and I found eachother on facebook and now talk all the time. I asked my cousin if she had a good relationship with her dad and she said that she was "daddy's little girl" and that they are very close. It kind of broke my heart because I don't have that and it makes me very sad.
I was telling my mom about how I felt about this and she said "You're in your 30's now, it's time that you get over it!"...How can someone who's father stayed in her life and was an a great dad to her tell me to get over it? My mom wasn't very open to talking about it while we were growing up so my brother & I had to just keep our feelings about it bottled up. I thought that I was over it until I had my kids and then I see how DH is with our kids and it hits me all over again.
My mom did remarry when I was a kid and my dad loves us with all his heart, but I still feel that loss. Still feel that I never really "belonged".
Yes, I know that I need to find some counseling, but do those feelings ever go away? Counseling was never provided for us as kids.
Re: Is my mom right?
No, your mom is not right!!!
My thought is that she doesn't want to hear about your bio-dad b/c SHE moved on with her life, SHE doesn't want to be reminded of her poor choices.
The fact is, while you can have many SOs/partners/husbands, you only have one bio-dad, and I don't know if you can 100% choose how you feel about losing that person in your life. SOME people might "get over it," but some people may never (even with counseling). I have friends who were adopted (so, different from your experience) who never felt a need to meet their bio-parents, and some who spent a lot of time and $ searching - even if they knew they probably would not have a relationship with that person. Neither is wrong, just different.
Well, your mother's words were a bit harsh. But there does come a time when you have to let go of these sorts of things, or see them in a different light or whatever, and accept life for what it has been for you instead of what it is you wish you could have had. You can really wallow if you want, but it's pretty pointless.
If you can, counselling is a great tool for this, and yes, you can lay these feelings to rest. Signed,someone who has been there. Good luck!
You're absolutely NOT wrong to feel this way, and your mom is being really cruel to tell you to just "get over it." It doesn't work that way. Especially if she forced you to keep quiet about your feelings as a kid and you never got the opportunity to process all this. You need to find a way to deal with these feelings and get past them, not just forget all about it and pretend this never happened.
Like you said, it sounds like your mother is just not capable of talking about feelings or emotions. Her way to deal with it is to just ignore it. For some people, hiding their feelings is much easier than coming to terms with them. I think you just need to accept that your mom isn't going to be helpful when it comes to matters like this, and restrict your conversations with her to topics where she can be cheerful and helpful. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.
Talk to a counselor about your feelings regarding your childhood. Maybe your brother would also be interested in this.
I would also remember to keep an open dialogue with your husband about all this, because when two people deal with things differently it can lead to conflicts. MH grew up with parents who'd fly off the handle at any little thing, whereas I grew up with parents who will still tell me I "need to calm down!!!" if I so much as mutter something under my breath if I get cut off in traffic. We've learned to accept that we each deal with stress in different ways and we're both trying to make compromises.
I think that your mom was incredibly insensitve but not entirely wrong. She could have delivered it in a much nicer way.
I think, in a way, you may need to come to some kind of acceptance that you were not able to have the closeness that your cousin had BUT you are lucky to have a step dad who really cares for you.
You can't do all this yourself though. Have you tried counseling to help you accept it and move on? It may be good for you to do so because carrying something like that with you forever is not healthy for you.
You will never forget it but at least you can lead a happy life by accepting it.
I can related to this. My bio-dad left when I was 5/6; until that point I was daddy's little girl and then the switch got flipped. I know now and understand that he left my mom to escape her insanity. I have mourned all that time that I didn't have a father - it sucks but it did make me stronger and at some point you do have to get over it. Every once in a while I'll be reminded of it by my DH and our children and I am always reminding my DH of the vital role he plays in our daughter's future decisions with boys, sex, etc.
Your feelings are valid and you are completely entitled to them - your mom was a bit harsh.
I've turned into too much of a strong person and have learned that only I can take care of myself. I've never let myself totally depend on anyone because not being able to trust anyone. I drive myself nuts.
This is fixable. I strongly recommend counselling.
Have you considered that maybe your statement hurt your mom's feelings a bit? Not that you intended it this way, but it could be taken as she wasn't good enough for you or that she failed in providing everything you needed.
I could be wrong, but it's something to consider. Perhaps that's why she came across harshly-- because she was put off by your comment.
What? That I said that the relationship that my cousin has with her dad makes me feel a bit sad that I don't have any relationship at all with my bio-dad? How would that hurt her feelings? My mom knows how I feel about her and I've always protected her feelings by not talking very much about my childhood. The times that I have brought it up have ALWAYS been dropped by her quickly and topic changed to something totally different.
Sure. You made it clear that you felt like you missed out on something in your childhood. I'm sure she worked very hard to make sure you had everything you needed. The fact that she changes the topic quickly when it comes up tells me that she is sensitive about it.
It's a different perspective, but isn't that why you posted?
I can see both of your perspectives and I think that maybe you're both a little right. Your mom is right that it's not healthy to dwell on past losses, and at some point you have to come to terms with the past and accept it for what it is. But, you're right that it's necessary to work through your feelings, and that expressing sadness over how things were doesn't mean that you are hung up on the past to an unhealthy level.
It may help you to think that your mother is not trying to be hurtful or harsh. I'm sure she is sad and feels a loss over how things turned out and she is dealing with that loss in the way she thinks is best. The problem is, that way may be best for her, but not for you.
My dad and his siblings had a tumultuous childhood (addiction, abuse, multiple affairs, suicide.) Half of his siblings continue to talk about what happened, seek counseling, and work through their issues in that way. The other half, my dad included, just don't talk about it, and they don't understand why the others keep "dwelling on it." To my dad, it's hurtful every time they bring it up. To some of his siblings, it's hurtful every time he dismisses their feelings by telling them to get over it/let it go. I once told my grandmother that her silence on my grandfather's death was hurtful to her daughter and she said, "I didn't know she needed to talk about to get over it. I didn't need to talk about it." She wasn't trying to be hurtful, she was really doing what she thought was best.
She probably had such a harsh reaction because to hear you say that you feel something missing in your life because of your dad not being around might actually hurt her or make her feel responsible in some way, or she has put him out of her mind and wants you to do the same so that you do not hurt anymore.
Is it possible to maybe try and get to know your step dad on a more one on one level? There are plenty of daddys girls in this world who are that way with their step dad, there is a difference between a sperm donor and a dad and it sounds like he is your dad.
It will probably always be in the back of your mind but it can get to where it doesn't upset you anymore, you have to come to terms with it and understand that it had nothing to do with you, it was about him and his issues and that you do have a dad who loves you and is happy to do so. Good Luck
I don't consider my step-dad as a step-dad, he's my dad! We have a wonderful relationship and it couldn't get any better. He raised me from a young age. I wouldn't change that for the world.
I don't dwell or wallow in self-pity. There's just that feeling that comes and goes at times. There are certain songs, smells, and just things that trigger memories that bring me back to that time in my life.
I called a counselor this morning to make an appointment, got their voice mail and am waiting for a call back.
exactly what I was thinking
Maybe she felt that your step-dad should've filled that void for you?
It's heartless that your mom would just tell you to "get over it", like it was nothing. You had a significant loss in your life, and it sounds like your mom never really understood what kind of effect not having your real father around would have on you. Counseling can definitely help you resolve the loss, minimize the pain and move on, but I think the way your mom belittles your feelings speaks more to the fact that it will take you that much longer to let it go because she's forced you to suppress and deny all those real and painful emotions for so long. I feel if you had more empathy and support from her, it would make it much easier for you to release your sadness. I really feel for you, I'm sure it's something you feel and struggle with often. Please talk to a counselor right away and don't let your mom's attitude diminish the real loss that you endured. She's definitely wrong.
I think you've hit a nerve with your mother. She has a vested interest in her wish that you are 'over it' by now. She's probaby not the best person to seek support.
Too much baggage and guilt of her own.
First of all, I'm so sorry you didn't have the relationship you deserved with your bio-dad, and also that your uncle bowed out early on. Even when you move on and make the best of life, it would be hard not to feel that void when your cousin talks happily about being a Daddy's girl.
I think your mom was a bit harsh to brush you off with a "get over it". That said, I identify a bit with how she feels. My XH is severely mentally ill, and I raised DS on my own from early in his life. As much time, energy, and love as I put into raising him, there's no way I can make up for the lack of a father in his life. And that hurts. I want my level best to be good enough. But there are losses too big for one person to compensate for, no matter how hard they try. That reality is hard to accept, and some people deal more graciously than others with the reminders of that.
I kind of agree with your mom.
You had a dad, just not your bio dad. It's not tragic, it's just part of your history.
And I agree with the poster who said this:
Have you considered that maybe your statement hurt your mom's feelings a bit? Not that you intended it this way, but it could be taken as she wasn't good enough for you or that she failed in providing everything you needed.
I could be wrong, but it's something to consider. Perhaps that's why she came across harshly-- because she was put off by your comment.
Dwelling on a missed relationship (what if it had been toxic, or uncaring or whatever) that you have a fantasy about is a self indulgent activity more suited to a teenager. Counseling for sure.
No, I'm not a self-indulged teenager, thank you! Not dwelling on it. Maybe, you haven't read my other posts. As I've said in my other posts, there are things that bring out those memories and make me think about it for a day or so and then I put it away.
It seems to me that you are actually looking for validation of your opinion regarding your mom and nothing else.
Agreed. I'm entering this conversation late, but your vehement insistance that your mom has nothing to be upset about is just as insensitive to her feelings as she's being to yours.