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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How long / what to consider before introducing SO to young children (3 and 6)?
I'm not ready yet, it has only been 6 weeks but I'm curious to know what others think and have done.
Re: How long / what to consider before introducing SO to young children (3 and 6)?
He met my parents, my DD and my sister all at a family BBQ. We had been exclusive for two months. My child was 10 months old at the time.
I made my decision based on my child's age, and how serious we were about our relationship. I had also done a background check and met a lot of people in his life. After what I had been through I was taking no chances.
I wonder the same thing for my son. Despite how much stbxh hurts me, he is actually a good father to my son and I will do everything possible to keep encouraging the relationship he has with my son.
I keep reminding myself that I have 2 hearts to protect. I can't be careless with my son's heart. I think it is going to be a long time before I date again but I want to also practice this on my friends as I want my son to have good role models in his life.
I don't think I have a ready answer for that. I think it depends.
I would wait several months and be past the dating stage and into the relationship stage.
I'd like to keep my dating and mom part of my life separate as much as I can at first.
But since I actually haven't dated yet, who the hell knows.
For me it was extremely hard. I know most people would have waited longer, but I had put the guy through the ringer and we were committed. Also, when he met DD it was at a family event, so she barely paid attention to him/noticed him.
We went slowly from there.
My situation is a little different because I've known my BF since we were 12-13 years old (went to school together and were in the same 4-H horse club). We had been dating (exclusively) a month when I introduced him and DS. DS was 16 months old at the time.
For me, my decision was based on the fact that I didn't want to be invovled with someone who couldn't handle the reality of me being a parent. BF had said he was fine with the idea of it, but I needed him to see for himself what it was really like, especially with a high energy toddler. DS was still young enough that he wouldn't really know BF and become attached until several times of being around him, which happened with more frequency as the months went on.
When they met, BF came to my house and had a new John Deere toy tractor for DS. He clung to my leg at first, but eventually warmed up to BF -- even today, that tractor is his absolute favorite toy. Whenever DS sees BF pull in the driveway he yells "Big truck!!!!!" and runs to the back door to greet him (BF drives a big truck, hehe).
I was very lucky in my situation that my BF was extremely accepting of me as a package deal and has been beyond wonderful with my son. He knows that DS is my priority and respects that.
ETA: When they met for the first time, we didn't just hang out at my house. We went to a small-town festival that had a ton of kid-friendly activities. It was a great way to get them interacting without too much pressure...if that makes any sense. DS had a great time!
I've been with my BF for almost 3 months and we recently met each other's children. OUr DD"s are the same age. When he met my DD we went to a big festival where there was lots to do and brought some friends with us...I met his DD at a family dinner. They have not met each other yet.
For us, we knew we were both in this for the long haul so to speak so I felt comfortable introducing him. I think every person's situation is differnet so there is no specific time period you should do it.
This is what I seriously do not understand and probably never will understand....how can you possibly know you're in it for a long term relationship at 3 months? You literally just do not know enough a person, particularly their relationship style. You don't know how they fight, how they communicate, what makes them angry/anxious/depressed, what makes them stressed, etc other than pretty much what they've told you. Even if you see each other every day you haven't had a chance to personally observe how they react to a wide enough variety of life situations, which makes it impossible to truly known someone, which makes it impossible to have enough information to say "oh yeah, this is a long term relationship." You're still in the chemistry stage and not in the seeing clearly deeper emotional connection stage. To take that risk for yourself is fine, but to take that risk for your child is not fine. I cannot be the only person whose been in four months long relationships where I thought I was being careful and this was a good guy and I've wound up being wrong or the person wound up not being compatible.
Heck, I'm an adult and my Dad won't introduce me to someone he's been dating less than four months!
How did you do this - just one your own (internet) or an actual service?
I did and internet check, and more. Every arrest is public record, you can look people up on Pacer.gov and at the county records office.
My dad is friends with a local police chief... so he ran his name and license for me as well.
ETA: BF knew about the check. The only thing on his record was a minor violation from when he was 13 (tresspassing with his friends on some dudes farm)
That's illegal and they can have their authorization and government funding yanked for running now law enforcement related background checks.
I think it really depends on the situation -- I also think your ages have a lot to do with it, because I have found that people in their mid-30s and older are a lot more straight forward with what they want, whereas when I was younger than that people were a lot more wishy washy.
My bf and I are both in our mid-30s. I met my him online and at 4 months I knew we were in it for the long haul. We were both very clear from day one what we wanted in a relationship. We also (despite having met online) ended up knowing a lot of the same people -- which is rare in the LA online dating scene. One of his best friends is an friend of my bro's from school. His neighbor and her son are friends with me and my son from preschool. He and my brother work at the same company with the same people (although never together on the same project). If one of us were a crazy psycho, the other would have found out about it very quickly.
To answer the original question, DS met bf at about 4 months at a dinner with my parents to celebrate my brother's birthday. Then, at about 6 months, bf, ds and I went to a pro soccer game together. We started spending more time together from there. DS met bf's family at about the 10 month mark when we were starting to work out the logistics of living together. Sunday will be a year, and ds now sees bf at least once a week with me (usually we have dinner and play). DS knows we will be moving into bf's house with him after Christmas time, and he is excited about it. He has already started decorating his room there, and his buddy on the block had him over for a playdate to introduce him to other kids on the street.
I don't have children, but my two cents is not to introduce until you're serious about the relationship.
Or... if you have to ask, it's too soon. ETA: I think that came off bitchy. I didn't mean it that way.
You can know if someone is a crazy psycho within four months but you certainly don't have a full grasp of issues that can be dealbreakers in long term relationships or a marriage: such as cleanliness, finances, arguing style, ability to verbally express emotions, the person's relationships with their parents and siblings.
Being a psycho, drug user, alcoholic, criminal, abuser, or chronic cheater are not the only qualities that constitute dealbreakers or that end relationships. There are literally some things you cannot know until you've experienced certain things together and those certain things take time. If the person is in it for the long haul they'll be there at 6 months and a year just as much as they'll be there at 3 months and when you weigh your child's feelings v. waiting two months the two months seems like NBD.
ITA agree with this. I think that any less than 6 months doesn't give you enough time to get to know where the relationship is going. It is still in the newlywed stage.
ITA ith this. I think that any less than 6 months doesn't give you enough time to get to know where the relationship is going. It is still in the newlywed stage.
ITA. Anything less than 6 months with a person is the honeymoon stage and you really can't gauge where the relationship is going.
And a background check only shows what someone has been arrested for. It doesn't show the type of person they are. A person could still be a child molester/rapist or abuser/murderer and not have something show up on a background check. It means they haven't gotten caught.
I also think that it should go the same way for a woman or man to be want to be introduced.
Believe me I know this. I was just making sure everything he told me checked out. It is never 100%, but it can reveal if a person has lied about certain things and it is better to know that ASAP.
People were on MIL yesterday re. checking the sex offender registry before taking your kids trick or treating. Running a background check on a potential makes infinitely more sense than that. And I think given your background its an important step for you to trust someone around your kid. I know for me, criminal record would make anyone undateable.
like any type of criminal record? Like littering in college and getting arrested? Protesting and getting arrested for trespassing? shoplifiting a tube of chapstick when you were 18?