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Counseling, Divorce...whole slew of questions! (kinda long)
STBXH and I have been together for 14 years and married for 6. We...well I...have decided to separate and divorce. The last couple years have been bad, and the last 6 months have been really rough. Feelings of being alone and not having that partnership led me to fall out of love and become emotionally empty towards him. I will always care for him, but I'm not in love with him and haven't been for a while. Since coming open with our separation, friends and coworkers have made comments about how content and happier I am--I don't offer much, but simply say that I feel I have a ton of weight off my shoulders...I can breathe and not fake a marriage that I felt wasn't there. I smile more, too, now. I'm just different.
We do have a 4yo DS who is our life, and it hurts me at what I'm doing to him--losing this family for him. I love him with all my heart and want to do the best for him. I've admitted that I could easily slap on a smiling face and go back to the marriage for him. Put his happiness and well-being before mine. STBXH doesn't want to do that. My dearest girlfriends try to help by saying that if I'm a happy I will be a better mom..a better person...and that is the benefit for him. When is it okay to put your feelings ahead of your DC's?
I'm planning on moving out soon--as soon as I can find a place. We've discussed divorce, and he wants to do it quick. We agree on everything...so far. The topic of counseling has come up, though. He hasn't been too keen on it knowing my feelings, but I feel I should give it a try for DS's sake--at least say I tried. My problem (and he knows) that I'm not going into it for the right reasons. My mind and heart is so settled, that I would be going to say I went. Do I go ahead and push forward to try counseling even though I have these feelings? If counseling is the choice, do I still move forward with my plans of moving out??
Last question/topic deals with family--my family is so dissapointed and upset with me. It's enough that my decision is going to drastically affect our relationship. Definitely put the distance. They don't understand how/why I don't want to try--I do my best to explain my honest feelings of feeling empty and no love, but isn't enough for them. How do you cope when family doesn't agree? I've got a crew of wonderful and supportive girlfriends to lean on, but I wish I had my family.
Thanks....
Re: Counseling, Divorce...whole slew of questions! (kinda long)
I don't have any kids, but I would like to answer your last question here anyway.
Your friends are right. Not only that, but you may THINK you can "slap on a smiling face" and go back to the marriage for your son, but it reality, if nothing changes, you'll probably only be able to keep this up for a couple of years at best. And then where will you be? Same place, only more emotionally exhausted, and having wasted even more years of your life.
In this case, my recommendation is that ending it sooner is better than later.
Also, re: counseling -- if your husband wants to do the divorce "quick," then he's done, too. If you do go to counseling, let it be focused on how to parent your child as you go through this process, and after the divorce is final. And I think you can do this type of counseling AS you more forward with your plans to move out. Things don't have to happen one at a time.
As for your family -- that sucks, and I know how you feel. Perhaps they will start to see what your friends and coworkers see -- a happier, healthier you. For now, I guess just take comfort in that fact that you are doing the right thing, and you're going to be a happier person at the end of all this.
Good luck.
I can only answer your last question, how do you cope when family doesn't agree?
At the end of the day you are the only one that has to live your life. Tell them you both made the decision that you felt was right for your relationship and that you're both much happier now. My family had no idea of 99% of the stuff that happened in my marriage, that's how it should be. Tell them you have your reasons and to please respect your decision even if they don't understand it.
You do need to make choices for what is right for you and your child. Only you can be responsible for you. I agree with pbear but at the same time, try not to burn bridges with family when there are children involved.
Autum baby - we have such similar stories I too was with StbX for 12 yrx and married for 7, we have two boys (6 and 4 years), and yes I tried to reconcile for my children, but it came down to me not trusting my StbX (for a host of reasons).
It breaks my heart to pieces to think of my babies not having both mom and dad in one home and I asked if we could just live as room mates, but, my StbX said that it is better for the children to see positive role model of a relationship (rather parents who prefer not to be together). and I thought about my boys when they are older and I know they would not have wanted me to just put on a smile and bear a bad marriage for them. My mom did exactly that and as a child I knew she wasn't happen. As long as your son knows he is loved by both of you- he will adjust to your new life.
What are your plans for custody? We are doing 50/50 with a week with mom and a week with dad (then invite the other over for dinner twice a week on the week s/he doesn't have the kids)
There are lots of things kids think they want or want to do that don't benefit them. And as Mom, your job is to make the hard decisions, even when they think they want something else. This isn't the same as staying up until 2 am and eating twizzlers, but it falls under Mom knows best. Your friends are right that you will be better if you are happy, healthy, confident as a Mom. Two parent households are not inherently better, especially when the parents are unhappy together. Not only does your child deserve to grow up seeing the best version of each of his parents, he deserves to grow up in a household without constant tension and avoidance.
I wonder if maybe your family is saying things to you that are making you feel guilty, or like your feelings aren't valid? You really don't have to justify yourself to them, I have a feeling the more you explain the more they'll try to poke holes in it and the worse you will feel.