Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
::kellbell::
What is your story/background/profession? I'm just curious, because you seemed to have a strong opinion on the post about introducing LO's to a SO. I don't intend for this to be snarky at all, but I see you post occassionally and have always been curious.
Re: ::kellbell::
I agree, and that's why I mentioned I was asking about it in a non-snarky way. I'm just curious as to if she works in a profession with children, or if she was a single parent who was trying to date at one time, etc. I like to know where people come from as a basis of their opinion/advice.
I think I shared a few months back in the VA GTG post (which people kindly offered to include me in cuz I get excited about other people who live here!) I am not SO, I am an attorney specializing in domestic violence and child abuse, and my DH was raised by one of the world's best single mothers. She is amazing and I have so much love and respect for her. I don't lurk for entertainment, I lurk b.c. it helps me to see what experiences people have with SO and especially with the legal system in terms of doing my job well, having empathy for people, and doing my job in a way that hopefully benefits them in their lives. So I should thank everyone for that, I hope that I'm able to use some of what I learn/read here to benefit others.
I generally try and stay out of most things and don't post b.c. I don't know what it feels like to go through a lot of the things you guys have. There are a lot of strong, smart ladies on here who I do root for all the time, even if its just privately. I have voiced two strong opinions over maybe the six months I've been lurking and both of those opinions are things some regulars agree with: 1) deciding you're "in love" and "in it for the long haul" after three months. I have had bad experiences with misreading people and do have personal dating experience with that. I quoted back to River Pestie once because I thought she described how one falls in love over time so eloquently, and I won't butcher her words or meaning by trying to summarize it now. I think you can be intensely attracted to someone, drawn to them, have a lot in common very quickly but I don't think you can fully vet them so to speak unless you have some experiences and life events that test a relationship. Am I happy if you prove me wrong? Sure. But I think all people in general do themselves a disservice when they get that emotionally invested and develop those kinds of expectations immediately. If it goes wrong, it hurts A LOT. 2) My opinions re. introducing children are based on what I've seen through the court system and personal experiences of people close to me who grew up in separate households. I've also had to take a lot of classes on children and emotional development for work. I know I disagreed with Haines fervently on both so her opinion of me doesn't surprise me.
IRL I am a person who has strong opinions, it's basically a requirement of my job, but it also is who I am and I admit that. My friends will also tell you that I am simultaneously a huge cheerleader for anyone who goes through something difficult. I struggled with depression, an eating disorder, and my Mom's death all in teenage early twenties and place huge value on therapy and really respect anyone who goes through something cr*ppy and is determined to come out better for it.
I can't give out legal advice or opinions online but certain things rub me the wrong way b.c of my background. For example, to say someone who is a police chief ran a background check for you is hugely bad; it's something they can lose their job over and can lose their authorization over the computer system for. That poster I like, she's been through a rough time, her baby is cute, and she is clearly trying to make good steps. But that part of that post wigged me out because if she says that to people it could come back to bite her family friend in the butt. I took issue with Haines sleeping over at her BF's house so soon with the child present b.c. I have seen people lose custody for doing the exact same thing. But I'm also not going to come out and say "your BF could lose custody for that" b.c. I make d*mn sure not to offer anything that could ever be construed as legal advice on the Nest.
More often than not I agree with people here and have a lot of respect for everyone, but on occasion I do absolutely cringe and can't help but say something.
Hope that answers your questions.
Hi! I actually appreciated you saying something. I had made a couple assumptions about what my dad's friend did and I actullay called my dad to clarify what happened cause I did not want to get people in trouble.
He told me that he took the basic info that BF had given me (military service, name, date of birth etc) and looked through public records to confirm that he was telling the truth. No "formal" background check.
I don't think I did everything perfectly, if BF and I break up I would change things the next time around. I have been lucky that things are going really well, not that it has been perfect, but we have been working well together even when we disagree.
I didn't articulate myself well at all re. the background check. Sometimes I get cranky at the end of the day at work and that comes out a la Nest vs. a la life. Which people in my life appreciate, but not so much people on the Nest. I seriously do not have any issues with you at all, I have seen more people than I can count in your situation re. your ExH. So when you post you're definitely someone where it helps me to see and hear what other people are going through and hopefully be more empathetic and better at my job. You're also in a different situation with your daughter b.c. she's small; if you introduce her to someone you only date for 6 months she won't remember and won't have an attachment that hurts to end, kwim? That's different when your kids are a little older.
Most states have public access criminal records online and physical, which are free to check. And sometimes I get more from those than from the official!
Totally butting in...
KellBell-thanks for that response, honestly. I can appreciate your POV and hopefully others will as well.