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The 'it's over' talk
I was having a conversation with a girlfriend of mine who is unhappy in her marriage (for many reasons I won't get into) and is at the point where she is ready to separate. She was talking to me about how I started 'the talk' with my stbxh (I left him earlier this year for being emotionally/mentally and mildly physically abusive (once). It got me thinking, I've talked to others that are divorced or separated and everyone seems to have approached it a different way. So I'm curious, if you were the one to leave, how did you tell your SO and if you were left how did your SO tell you?
I'm curious about how it was brought up, what was said, how detailed the discussion was? I remember my friends telling me when I was getting ready to pull the plug, to just tell him I was done and that I didn't owe him an explanation right then if at all b/c it shouldn't have come as a surprise to him at all. I know in my own head I tried to rehearse this speech but what actually ended up coming out of my mouth was completely different than I had it in my head. It was like an out of body experience, I wasn't even thinking, I couldn't think, it just came out and then i couldn't stop it. Worst. Discussion. Of. My. Life. but I'm glad that's over whew.
Anyhow, TIA!
Re: The 'it's over' talk
I told him during our counseling session that when we got home he needed to pack his stuff and leave. He cried. My counselor said "I'm surprised you can even pretend to be shocked that this happened after everything she has said in the past year"
We had been in counseling for a year, both individual and marriage, and I had told him repeatedly exactly what I needed and he still wouldn't do it.
Yup.
It was a Saturday morning and I had planned to tell him, and I was EXTREMELY nervous. I was shaking. Then I started crying (at the kitchen table). He heard me in the living room and came over to ask if everything was okay. I said, "No. I don't want to be married anymore." I was crying and literally slobbering everywhere. Nobody said anything for a while, then I think I said a couple of other things, and he still didn't say anything.
He went into the bedroom and hid under the covers on the bed.
I went in there and said a few other things, like how I needed to do this for me, I had nothing against him, I didn't hate him, I was sorry. I apologized approx. seven hundred times. (He had truly done nothing wrong, the marriage just wasn't right for me.) Then he got angry. I apologized about two hundred more times. Then I left the house for the night.
We talked more over the coming days, but it never got TOO detailed. Just "I'm not happy in this marriage. I'm sorry. I need to do this for me. I'm sorry." Different renditions of basically that same theme.
It's always a fuukced up discussion no matter how it happens and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Worst day of my life. Then my grandmother died two weeks later, but whatever. Those two days tied as the worst days of my life, ha. Ugh.
Good luck to your friend.
I don't think there was ever one "it's over" talk. There were multiple discussions. Sure, I finally said, "Since you refuse to go to counseling...with or without me...I am done."
But most of the talks of seperation and divorce prior to that were born out of fights.
When I told him I was done, he asked me when he could sleep with other people...so I took that as a sign that he was also done.
You know, I'm interested to hear how it went for other people. I regret that I didnt do it directly -
First, he beat me up and went to jail.
2 weeks later he was out of jail and we tried to work on things.
It became obvious to both of us that his halfhearted efforts to "make it up to me" weren't cutting it. We made dates but he would cancel, he came over and I would pull away from his touch...
The first time I actually told him I wanted a divorce was in a courtroom in front of a judge, as a Domestic Violence victim. The previous day he'd asked me to try to recant and try to get the state to drop any charges against him. I stood up and asked for a restraining order and told the judge I needed to divorce him.
This is similar to how it went down for me, in terms of his reaction. Alot of silence, staring into space, I sobbed till I felt like I couldn't breathe, he was silent, sad, angry then he did what your XH did and went into the bedroom, laid face down on the bed and just sat there in silence for what felt like hours. Yuck. it sucked so bad.
I just had the talk last Thursday with my H - it was brought up several times in the past three weeks but nothing was set in stone until that day. I sought the help of my therapist for pointers. She basically had me write down what I wanted to say to him and read from it. But last Thrusday he caught me off guard and I was literally vomiting at the mouth telling what was happening - i didn't print out what I really wanted to tell him...ugh. He wasn't shocked and was happy to know that I wasn't going straight to the divorce, just yet - that I just wanted a separation.
My H is a catholic (as I am but non-practicing) and has some really strong belief in not getting a divorce. So I just told him straight out what has happening in our relationship, the alcohol and drug abuse has esclated into physical, mental and emotional abuse (apparently his catholic beliefs didn't pertain to him being an abuser) and that I'm not going to tolorate it anymore. I told him that he deserves to get well by going to rehab, AA and drug and alcohol counseling. I didn't sugar coat it but like I said, he knew it was coming so he was somewhat prepared.
He said to me last night that he doesn't think that I'll actually leave. I guess he'll get a shock of his life when the moving truck rolls up in the drive way on Dec. 3rd to start hauling an entire house full of furniture away.
I told him over and over and over again. The first time I just left because I didn't feel safe. I had found condoms in his truck and drugs and my girlfriend came over and got me out of there (he was sleeping).
Then he called, distraught and I told him I was filing for divorce.
Then I told him again in counseling.
I remember another conversation where he kept saying we would get back together and turned to him took off my sunglasses and said "look me in the eyes right now, XH. I will never, ever get back together with you. I need you to realize this and understand this and stop thinking that we will because I have never in my entire life been so completely and utterly sure about something". He didn't even hear me and persisted many, many times after that. Eventually I just began ignoring him when he brought it up.
I think in his sad little mind he still thinks there is some hope and it's just a phase I'm going through.
XFI is the one who brought it up. I could tell that something was "off" and asked him a few times if anything was wrong, and finally, he came out and told me that he didn't want to get married...he did give the major reason why (he really wants to be a dad, and I don't want kids). We were both crying. He felt like a real jerk, to the extent that he asked me to please hit him, because he said he deserved it. I wouldn't, because he didn't deserve it, and I'm not a violent person, so he punched himself.
Even though he was the one to bring it up, I think, deep down, I was secretly relieved--we had been drifting apart for a while (LDR), and I kept telling myself that it would get better once he could move to be in the same state as me, but there was really no guarantee of that. And the fact that, when I unexpectly left grad school and no longer had anything (except my friends and my life) tying me to my town, I didn't immediately move to be with him should have been very telling.
Aw, your X sounds like a nice guy, Scooby. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm sure you're grateful that he was man enough to be honest with you, and it sounds like you both handled it like adults.
this.
XH had been staying at my best friends apartment for a month. We had a lot of issues, he had been unemployed for almost a year and in his words was "going crazy from being stuck in the house" for some reason I was ok with this. I think because I just wanted him out of the house, I already wanted out but I wasn't ready to admit it yet.
After a month of him being gone, he calls me one night while I'm out at Denny's with a girlfriend, it was like 1am, he's yelling at me calling me names and telling me to drive over there and get him. I could tell he was drunk so I told him no, I'm not going to come out there so you can yell at me all night long. I go home, he was there, he drove home drunk.
We yelled and screamed at each other and fought for at least two hours. I knew for sure I wanted out, I couldn't put up with that crap anymore. Finally during our fight he literally screamed right up in my face "IVE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU!!!" He admitted to sleeping with my best friend and "any other girl" he could get to come home with him (not sure I believe that one) then he took it all back, admitted it, etc etc. Finally he just denied it and said he was trying to get to me.
I just wanted to go to sleep, if I left him in the guest room he would hit and kick the walls ( I owned the house without him) and it was pissing me off, and I was afraid he'd do some damage. Finally I was just so worn down I let him sleep in our bed just to get him to shut the eff up. He had the balls to tell me he wanted to have sex, I freaked out if he even tried to touch me. The next morning I got confirmation he truly did cheat on me with my best friend, so I told him to get his sh!t out and I was filing for divorce.
He was a total baby about it saying "I came home because I was going to tell you and we can work it out!! I was going to bring all of my stuff home today!" He wouldn't sign the paperwork because he had some weird idea that we could still stay together or something (likely he just didn't want to lose his comfy life and sugar mama) he didn't sign until I held his bicycle hostage. He was threatening to call the cops on me for changing the locks on the house (his name is not on the title) I even asked my lawyer about it and he was like "dude's an idiot".
I know my situation is different, but we still had a "talk"
I told him that I would never trust him again, he was sick and I would never hurt my daughter by staying married to him. I also said that he knew that cheating was a deal breaker from the beginning and this went far beyond that, so he shouldn't be surprised that I was done.
There was no epic fight or discussion for us. It came up a few times that we should not drag this out when we were clearly on totally different pages, and are both still plenty young to start our lives over.
I actually don't even remember the say I left (I noted the date in my phone for future refernce of separation) but I mean I don't actually remember packing / leaving, etc. I know the basics came with me to my moms for about a month then I packed 90% and moved into my apartment.
It was over very quickly and easily, as far as neither one of us fighting that this wasn't the right decision. In fact, just last night while signing more paperwork we talked old stories of all the red flags and the fact that we should have known it would come to this. No hard feelings, really - just sad that this whole thing happened.
Oh, he definitely is a nice guy! Every time I see someone post on one of these boards like "Are there ANY good men who are single out there anymore!?!?!?!" I want to reply, "I know one!"
ETA to fix the quotes
I said in counseling that I didn't want to try to work it out anymore. This was followed by several conversations at home.
One night I said, "Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?" He said no, to which I responded, "Wait, no, I didn't mean it...let's take a trip! We need to get away, it will fix everything!"
He (rationally) said no, it wouldn't fix anything, and he continued to take my question to heart. We went a few days back and forth (kind of) but I think we both knew it was over.
Wow, I hadn't thought about that in a while. I don't know why that just made me sad. Not because I regret it happening, but it was a very dark time in my life.
Problem with my X is that I honestly think he was perfectly content continuing to live a marriage of misery. I think his parents marriage may have been similar and he was raised in the school of thought that "you just make it work, even if you are miserable". We hadn't slept together in over a year by the time I left, and he was apparently not taking that as a sign that things were pretty much over. We could be in the car or in a room alone together for 5 hrs and not mutter a word to each other. But i guess he was fine with that. Ummm, no thanks.
It was my stbxh that told me he wanted out of the marriage. He did a clean shot with me. It was out of the blue and he said he does not love me, hope that love for me would happen it never did for him, could not be himself around my deafness and communication barriers and did not like my personality. Just like that.
Though I have to hand it to him for making the conversation simple and clean... there was not much I could say to his response. I can't become hearing, change my personality and I can't force him to love me. He refused to go into details so I don't try to build the relationship.
This squash my hopes immediately and may have been the reason why I went into survival mode so fast instead of having a dragged out conversation that could possibly last for weeks.
Same...word for word. We slept together twice in 3 years.
We hadn't been getting along for a while.
We were getting ready for a wedding and he came upstairs high (smoked too much pot for my liking) and I said something to the effect that we were going to a wedding and why did he have to get high to do that. He said because he had to deal with me for the night. It escalated. I said why are we even still married, we should get divorced. He agreed. The rest is history.
My H would do and say the exact same things to me. He was so high and drunk on our wedding day - his reasoning, to put up with me and being in the spotlight. Umm..DUDE, IT WAS OUR WEDDING DAY - WTF DO YOU EXPECT!! I should've knew then...
This is mind boggling to me. How my stbxh could live a life where there was zero physical, sexual or emotional intimacy with his wife and be ok with it? The demise of our sex life and pretty much any shred of 'love' left was all due to the fact that I started to become not only afraid of him, but started to hate him and really dislike him. He treated me horribly, why in the world he would ever think that he could do that and I'd still want to jump his bones, I will never understand.
I left for the weekend. I left him a note I said I was going to the bank and called back to tell him about the note and then said I would not answer my phone and I would talk with him on Sunday night when I returned.
I left so he would have time to understand that I meant it and I was a little scared. He could be violent at times. When I came home I stood my ground and said our marriage was over. I never cried or felt anything but relief.
Wow, I could have written this of my marriage! Except he didn't start being this way until after we got married and moved into our own place. (Had been with parents before we got married.)
-----------------------
For my "talk" it had been a years worth of fights like above (1-2 times a week), not to mention verbal abuse / alcohol abuse ... I had a gut feeling he was cheating on me and in his mind - if I questioned him on cheating, that meant that I was cheating on him. So when he continually pulled money from our checking account (for the same reason ever other day) I questioned him.. well, actually I was just to my breaking point and lost it - asked who the eff he was cheating on me with again. He got defensive (looking back, and after calm talks, I don't believe he was - but he couldn't tell me what was going on - just kept telling me only half truths.) Then later in the day he sent me a text (yes, you read that right - a text!) saying he didn't think he could do this any more. He refused to go in the house that night until I was there with him - he took his clothes and left. Later he came back for the rest of it.
Things had been bad for awhile leading up to this. The "talk" started via email one day while we were both at work. He emailed me about buying a bedframe for his daughter, when she had one at our house (she had bunk beds with my daughter). I asked if he was talking about moving out and he replied "yes".
We both went home for lunch that day and he announced that he was "unable to be in a blended family" and was planning to move out. He told me that he was "sick" and couldn't possibly be healthy in a relationship with me. He told me that he is "no good at being married" and needed to be alone.
He moved out 2 weeks later.
The basics:
One night, STBX went on one of his manipulation-mind game-depression benders, to the point that I was terrified of him and shoved an 80 pound bedside table (gotta love hardwood antiques) against the door to protect myself from him. The next day, I came home to discover he'd gone to the police because I'd bopped his arm to try to get away from him (which I did manage to do...thus the barricading).
My best friend came and got me out of my house after I didn't arrive for dinner as planned. She found me shaking on our bed, in tears. I packed the basics, and to her apartment we went. She called my mother, who drove the hour and a half to be with me. All three of us went back so that I could get some basics (in case STBX showed). I had a face-to-face talk with him there, and told him I couldn't live with someone I was physically afraid of, that I was tired of his abuse, and I was leaving. The next day, the police called and asked if I wanted STBX arrested. Part of me thinks I should have told them yes.
We did counseling (both individual and marriage) for a while. Things got a bit better, so I went on a short trip with him for a few days to see if his 'improvement' was just short bursts or an actual change. Whaddayaknow, the same old schit happened. When we got back, I waited for him to leave, then went and filed for divorce. I told him this in that day's marriage counseling session. He started his manipulative bullschit, and the counselor threw him out. He then had a few sessions with me to work through the fallout from the abuse.
My XBF and I lived together for a year. (were together for 5 years, with talks of marriage) During the whole year we lived together I felt like he had changed. Up until this point he was a great BF and I thought I really loved him. My family didn't like him much but hey I didn't care.
I would not let him touch me at all in the last 10 months. He would talk down to me to friends and family. He spent $30,000 on a new truck without my knowledge, then told me with his new truck payments I had to cover his share of rent. (which I stupidly agreed with, I wasn't even on the lease.)
I was then offered a choice of the night or the day shift at work (after I finished the training program) at about the 6 months mark of us living together, and I chose the night shift. (He worked days, I told him they hired me for nights only and we needed the money so I couldn't quit) I didn't even realize at that point how unhappy I was, and I at the time I had no idea why I lied about the shift. It wasn't until a male co-worker asked if I wanted to go out with some people from work on a friday night after our shift (there would be female co-workers there as well0 I said yes and I got to see first hand a "happy couple". I did not go home that night I stayed at a friends house, with XBF calling every 5 mins telling me to come home even after I told him I could not drive as I had been drinking. I went home the next day and told him I was moving back into my parents place until I found a place of my own. He was not happy and became physicaly abusive, and the cops were called and I got a restraining order.