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My husband's aunt the hero.
This is as much as a vent as anything, but here goes:
My husband's aunt married young to an abusive azz. Neither worked and they lived on welfare and she had 2 children. He then left her, and the second the divorce came through she was married to abusive unemployed azz #2, and had another child. He hung around slightly longer, but left her as well. She immediately had another (unemployed) man move in and get her pregnant. After a few years things with them ended and she remarried to a nice guy, and one with a job, and had her 5th child. Unfortunately he passed away when their child was 5 or 6, and soon after his best friend moved in and they have been a family ever since.
Now I agree that she has had a very difficult life. However, DH's family idolize her like some fabulous person, and go as far to refer to her as a hero. They are constantly saying that they hope all the little girls (dh's sister's and cousin's children) grow up just like her. They also rave about how she had so many children and how she has such a big heart to have that many kids. And the truth is that while she's been through a lot, and I feel sorry that she has, I just see a string of poor decisions. In this story I can't see where she acted in the best interest of her children. The way they idolize her drives me absolutely insane. We are planning on starting TTC in a few months, and I just cringe at the thought of them encouraging my children to be like this woman. Although I'm sure there is no way I could say anything without offending everyone deeply.
I have a friend who was also married young into an abusive relationship, and when her daughter was a baby she decided this was not the life she wanted for her and left, and has since gone back to school and is working hard so that they can both have a better life. That is something I really respect and admire, and the kind of strength I would hope my (future) children would have.
*end rant*
Re: My husband's aunt the hero.
I wouldn't want my child encouraged to be like that either.
My best friend married early and had 4 kids by 21. They ended up divorcing and she raised all of them pretty much on her own without a whole lot of help from XH. She put herself through college and has been a teacher for 5 years now. She got a 'Teacher of the Year" award her first year and has been the head of her department since her second year. She remarried, had her tubes untied, and now has 2 more kids. A total of 6 boys. She is an awesome mom and friend. She has helped me through so much over the years. The first 4 boys are all in college and are doing well. The other 2 boys are 5 yrs. & 1 yrs. old.
That, to me, is someone to look up to.
If you are worried about your ILS "influence" on your child's thinking - - I wouldn't worry too much. You will have a MUCH greater role in shaping your dc's thought process!
You can easily say things (after you come back from ILS home) like "Aunt Jane DOES have a big heart, but she has made a lot of poor choices." If Jane is happy now, you don't have to tell them (until later) that Aunt Jane's life was hard b/c she was/is uneducated and had 5 kids by 4 men, and really should have learned to use some births control after her first two, but if your children (or your ILS) ever comment on how Jane is poor, you can tell your kids "Aunt Jane got married very early, before she went to college, so she never got an education and get a good job." As your children are older, they can clue in on what is happening.
Also, you can point out that Jane is a sweet person without tearing her down for being uneducated and co-dependant. "Yes, Jane does have a big heart," isn't making a hero out of her.
i'm with you on all of that. in no way should consistantly BAD (not poor-flat out BAD) decisions which ended in more irresponsible choices be made out to be something good.
have you told your DH what you think? what's his opinion?
I would just ignore all of this, and if you're in a situation where everyone is gushing over the aunt's "heroism" then just find a way to politely excuse yourself and leave without making a scene. Once you have a kid, take the kid with you. Limit your exposure to the aunt if it really bothers you.
Also, when you're at home with your kids, make sure to teach them self-worth and that they don't need a man/woman at all times to make them happy. Sounds like the aunt suffers from self-confidence issues and fear of being alone, so just keep that in mind when you're raising your own children. When they're old enough to start talking/thinking about sex, make sure they know how to protect themselves and that they know the consequences of sex (STDs, pregnancy, etc.), and to reserve it for a partner who truly cares about them and treats them well. And teach them that if they wind up as single parents, their future children will be their most important priority, not the new flavor of the month; and that having a baby won't solve relationship problems or make someone love them.
uugh!
I doubt they'll have actually much influence...you can continuously say things like "we have a good marriage and I think that's a better influence for her" "I value education and think our degress are a good foundation for our child" "although at times it difficult, we've really worked hard at supporting ourselves and hope that our child realizes how important this is"
Or she is co-dependent.
Neither fear of being alone nor co-dependency is a virtue, IMO!
Thanks everyone. You have given some really good advice, and you are right that it probably won't have much influence on our children. And I do think that to some degree it is a sense of denial that she was going through this while the rest of them were leading happy lives that makes them do it. They blame the children's fathers for problems they have, so they realize that the upbringing affected them negatively for the long-term, but they just seem to think she is without blame.
As far as DH goes, he doesn't participate in the hero talk. I haven't called out his aunt's actions specifically, but he feels the same way as me about parents who do not make their children's well being a priority over getting laid, and also about people who choose not to work when they are able. We do plan on educating our children about birth control, teaching them to be independent, and try and instill a good work ethic in them.
Honestly this was mostly a rant, because to me saying they hope the girls are just like the aunt is almost like saying I hope your daughter chooses never to work or use birth control, and continues to bring children that she cannot afford into a situation where they are abused. blah.
I'm sure that it's easier for the family to gush about how strong she is to deal with life's struggles and how she's an open-hearted who chose to have a big family, than to admit that their family member constantly picks shiitty men and can't keep her legs closed.
Don't worry about it. I think their constant bragging about her so-called accomplishments is one of those, "The lady doth protest too much" things. They're probably trying to get everyone else to believe that she's a strong woman rather than truly believing it themselves.