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How to support a friend with a d-bag boyfriend
I'm at a loss for what to say to one of my friends when she starts talking about her on-again/off-again boyfriend. We've been good friends since high school. She started dating him around the time she graduated and got pregnant that fall. They stayed together until the baby was born but ended up "breaking up" a few months later. He had another girlfriend (who he got pregnent) but he got back together with my friend who got pregnent again.
Since then, its been a steady stream of them getting back together and him acting like they'll work things out and then freaking about about something and leaving her. The older daugher is 6 now so it's been going on a long time. The trend seems to be whenever she finds someone else to start dating, he asks for another chance and she gives it to him so they can try to be a family.
She finally moved away from the area to start school so I thought he'd be gone for good but she just told me they're "talking" again. I don't even know what to tell her anymore. I know she wants to work it out for the good of the kids but this guy is just a dead beat. He's gotten evicted from a few apartments for not paying rent and has a different job every other month it seems like. I just don't even know what to tell her anymore. Would you try to be supportive of the relationship? I don't even know what to tell her anymore.
Re: How to support a friend with a d-bag boyfriend
Why would you be supportive of this relationship again?
eta: stupid nest
I also tried to say this--
You are concerned about your friend and her well-being. I see nothing wrong with sitting her down and telling her once and only once that you love her and want the best for her and you are concerned due to X,Y, and Z. Basically, that she is selling herself short and she can do better. Do not say another word about it unless she specifically asks your opinion. If she does, be honest (but try to do it in a nice way).
You have every right to redirect the conversation if she wants to vent or discuss something that you don't want to hear/talk about. Just say that you feel uncomfortable discussing it or that you'd rather talk about something else.
I'm leaning toward...
"You don't need to force a relationship with on/off BF. Yes, you have children together, but that doesn't mean that you have to be romantically attached to him. You started dating him when you were just 17/18 years old and you're a 24/25 year old woman now. The two of you have obviously grown apart. Leave the teenage romance in the past and move on with your life."
It gets the point across that she's better off without him, but doesn't bash either of them. It's a simple... this relationship has run it's course and it's dead. It's time to be parents without being a couple.
ETA: Being supportive can mean laying down the truth, whether the friend wants to hear it or not. You're not supporting your friend if you keep lying to her. "Love" can make people blind and sometimes all it takes is one good friend to rip off the rose colored glasses.
I've been in those relationships. I wish people around me hadn't been been so afraid to show me what I wasn't seeing. I eventually figured it out on my own but it took longer and caused a lot more problems than it should have.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
That response if from experience. In my experience, if I talk bad about the bf, it strains our relationship and drives her more into disfunction. In my friendship, the bf is mentally/verbally abusive, and one of his tactics is to get her to think that he's the only one who is there for her.
I've told her over and over again that it is her life, I'm not a fan of him, but whatever happens, I will be there for her and support her 100%.
Lurker with some experience here. They have kids together. He will never be gone for good. Just be supportive, regardless of the bad choices. Pulling your friendship away because you don't agree with her is just as controlling as his continually calling when she meets someone else.