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I like to think I'm a smart person
but how did I not notice this?
I came across a few old receipts recently that were from a couple of years ago and just by chance I figured out that XH would buy something large, generally at a home improvement store like Lowe's, charge it on our joint credit card, and then a few week's later, return said item, and get cash back instead of crediting the card. Then he'd use the money for beer, cigarettes, probably gifts for OW and the like. He knew I would notice ATM withdrawals but various charges at Lowe's or Home Depot wouldn't raise a question, so he could end up with large amounts of cash to spend without me knowing what he was spending it on.
Meanwhile, I was paying $30 EVERY DAY for his rehab treatment, the hospital bill for his psychiatric stay, $2K for a new transmission in his car that he wasn't legal to drive, all his legal expenses, and supporting him financially in every way possible. No wonder he always had the means to buy things while I always felt like we were dead broke....I feel like an idiot.
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Re: I like to think I'm a smart person
How would you have known though, really? You can't fault yourself for being a good person and assuming others (especially the person you're married to) is also of the same quality.
The worst thing you could do in a situation like yours (and I say this because we've been through similar things with similar exes) is to assume that everyone is that awful. I once read a book right after we split called "He's Just No Good for You: Your Guide for Getting Out of a Destructive Relationship" and it talked about people like our exes. Their entire existence is due to the fact that most people cannot fathom that another human being is capable of such things. It's their meal ticket and how they get away with so much.
Still, I am sorry you discovered this. Must be like salt in the wounds.
I think I'm just bitter because he's the reason my money situation is so tight. I always paid double the amount due each month on his student loans in order to get them paid off faster. I think about how I could have purchased a bedroom set for my guest bedroom, maybe could have bought something (anything) for myself, but instead I was the responsible adult and agressively paid off bills that only helped him in the end. Dammn innate maturity anyway!
I feel for you
I've wondered the same thing about things - how could I have been so stupid as to let him take advantage of me like that?!
And the only answer I can come up with is that you, being a good person, never would have thought to do that to someone. It didnt cross your mind.
further...what a jerk your ex is!
Thanks ladies. You're right, I could sit here and think for days and never come up with ways to deceive people like that. Yet they come so easily to people like him, I don't think he even realized he did it most of the time; it came so easily to him.
Even now when I pay all my expenses, including the mortgage for the amazing house we shared, and support DS all by myself, I have more money than I ever did with him. Plus, I know my salary isn't going to disappear unless I give the OK.