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Teenagers...
I have two teenage girls, 17 and 19 and long story short, we barely talk. They are close with my ex right now and his girlfriend and I have just been pushed out of the picture. I realize this sounds like a jealousy issue on my part and in a sense I admit it is. But he has done everything possible to emotionally hurt them and yet they are drawn back to him. I have done everything I can for the girls and yet the push me away.
I live about an hour away (moved in with my fiance about 1 year ago) and it just seems like we are cross country.
How do I get my girls back? We used to talk and do things and now I am just pushed away. There have been no fights or issues and while I don't expect a "Brady" relationship, I would like to communicate with them and even spend time together again.
Any ideas would be appreciated.
Re: Teenagers...
I'm not a mother, but it seems like it's in teen girls' DNA to be assh0les to their mothers at this age.
Where do your daughters live? Do you have any arrangements with where the 17 year-old lives (I imagine that custody arrangements don't apply to the 19 year-old, right)? Do they get to choose which parent they'd like to live with? How long have you been divorced? How long has your ex had this girlfriend, and is there something about her that's appealing to your daughters (maybe she has a lot of money or buys them things, she lets them get away with things that you wouldn't, etc.).
It's a shame that their father treats them badly and that they still go running to him, but they're probably just desperate for that "typical daddy-daughter relationship" and are trying to make him happy in the hopes that he'll be nicer to them. Is he more lax with discipline and house rules than you? They're old enough where they'll notice how they're treated by their parents, and even if they won't admit it now they'll probably realize it down the road that he's not being a good person. I would make sure that you don't talk badly about your ex around the girls and always take the high road, and only step in if he's really doing something wrong to them.
If it were me, I would just try to give it some time. Don't forget the boundary between Parent and Friend ... be kind to them but don't let them get away with improper things just because you want a better relationship with them. Offer to do things with them (invite them out with you to go shopping, get your nails done, see a movie or a sports game) but don't beg them or push the issue if they say no - issue the invite and if they decline try again in a week or two. If they're with you and seem angry or quiet, try saying, "Is everything O.K.? Anything you want to talk about?" and see if they open up.
Try not to take it personally. Barring any serious issues, they're probably just at an age where it's "not cool" to be friends with your mother.
If there's no fights or outstanding issues, how are you being pushed away? Are they not returning your phone calls? Are they not making time for you? And what is the custody issue with the younger one? Does she live full time with her dad?
Part of this is definitely age. They're going to start exercising their independence and exploring the world. If there's nothing else going on, keep making offers. Call them once a week to check in, make offers to hang out a few times a month, etc. Be available to them.
You're pushed away because a push for independence and separateness is normal at this age, and healthy. They know you love them, and they feel safe enough with you to do that.
The fact that they're clinging to their dad means that they're not safe enough in his love to start being separate from him. They're still trying to get something from him that they have needed.
That's what I was going to say. They are trying to force a better relationship with him. They don't need to do that with you because they know you love them.
Still, I'd plan a girls night with them. Go out to eat, go shopping, watch a movie, or just spend some time together doing something you all enjoy. And whatever you do, don't bash their dad or his girlfriend! They're going to need you when they get tired of him disappointing them and realize that he won't be the dad they want or need.
This 100%.
Keep making yourself available to them, send them notes/e-mails, call as often as you can. They will come to you when they're ready or when they need help from someone they trust.
My oldest moved in with dad at 16 because I found out she was hanging out with a group in which one of the girl's mother was providing alcohol and marijuana to the kids and partying with them. I put my foot down and my ex didn't back me and she moved in with him and his girlfriend. She managed to graduate high school but quit college and is now living with her unemployed boyfriend who has asperations of becoming a tattoo artist and is using her body as his canvas. Please don't get me wrong, I have tattoos and piercings and am not a prude by any means but I believe that such work should be done by a professional artist and not someone who has problems drawing a stick figure...
My 17 year old just moved in with dad and the girlfriend using the excuse that it puts her closer to school and her friends but the main reason is because of her boyfriend (she was communting with me everyday).
I admit that I am the parent and expect homework to be done and rules to be followed but I encourage my kids to have fun and enjoy their lives, while my ex and his girlfriend are more like other teenagers, they don't think twice about partying with the kids.
For my girls, I call them and text them and but the responses I get are what they think I want to hear. I do my very best to be encouraging and supportive. It just hurts because I feel left out of everything.
I realize that this is no consolation now, but when they're a little bit older they'll realize who was the better parent and doing the most to help them.
I have two stepsons who were all kinds of trouble as teens and my DH swore I would drive them away forever by being strict and enforcing rules and consequences. Last year the oldest (at 25) thanked us for being so hard on him, and just the other day the younger, 23, told us that every day he appreciates what we did more and more.
well there seems to be your answer. if you want to be as close as dad you need to drop all of your rules and apparently let them do whatever they want to do.
which is crappy.
it took me a long time to realize my awesome rule enforcing mom wasn't trying to ruin my life as I suspected-she was, in fact, looking out for me and trying to keep me safe and happy. i hope your girls realize it some day.
They will figure it out, as all kids do.
Thanks for the input. I hope so.
I know when I was a kid I thought my stepmom was the greatest and now as an adult I realize that my mom is. I guess I just had these grand illusions of being there for the senior year of my 17 year old, prom and all the graduation stuff. I feel left out and forgotten once again.
Hope they figure it out soon...
i know this is kind of obvious but was there a huge falling out when daughter #1 moved out? and how do you talk about daughter #2's boyfriend?
what i'm saying is if you're already on thin ice with them if you talk to them like you talked about them here frankly i dont see why they'd want to be around yuo. you're right-we all know you are and they probably do to deep down-but until they admit it you're the bad guy if you tell the one her BF isn't an artist or the other one that she's unemployed etc or no college etc.. does that make sense?
One thing I learned a long time ago is to never diss the boyfriend. I have to go with their choices and I am not one to talk because their dad was gonna be a rock star! He ended up a truck driver... bit of a change but whatever.
I see my girls making the same mistakes that I did, finding the wrong guy, not finishing school, and yes it bothers me but I know they have to learn. I did. They are choosing the hard road without realizing it. I don't say anything to that effect nor will I. Just like I am nice to the boyfriends and treat them completely normal and like family when they are around.
But when it comes to my 17 year old, I do have a problem with her boyfriend staying the night, being out past midnight on a school night etc. Call me crazy if you like. Unfortunately, her father thinks nothing of it which is why it is better in her eyes for her to live there.
It devastates me to no end because I want better for them. I don't want them to struggle in life. Both have dreams of being in the medical field and I don't want to discourage it.
WTF? He lets her boyfriend spend the night with her at his house? Hell no!!
There isn't a teenager in the world who embraces restrictions on their freedom, that's why they have parents to enforce them.
Of course they chose their father, he has no expectation or demands on their behavior.
"Call me crazy if you like". I wouldn't say that you're crazy but I do think your handling of your daughters was poor parenting.
Keeping them safe is entirely more important than having them like you right now.
And it's not that they hate you. It's that their dad is trying to be their buddy so he's letting them get away with all this bullshiit. He's doing them a gigantic disservice by not imposing any rules, even if he thinks that he's just letting them have some fun.
I'm wondering if it's best that you have a frank talk with your ex. It'd be one thing if his idea of relaxed rules was not making them do chores or something like that. But if he's partying with them (are drinking or drugs involved?), letting their boyfriends sleep over, not caring if they drop out of school ... that's where I would draw the line. They could wind up pregnant or arrested or just ruin their futures with no education.
Is it going to sink in if you tell him, "Look, I'm not doing this to critique your parenting or as a personal jab against you, but I'm really fearful of the direction our daughters are headed. I think we both need to step it up and enforce some stronger rules before they get themselves in trouble"? Do you think he'd take that to heart and maybe change his approach a bit, or would he just completely ignore you?
I completely agree with this statement especially since I went through a similar experience with my parents as a teenager. I moved in with my biological dad in high school because my mom and my dad were hard on me and expected me to do a lot of things I didn't want to at the time. My biological dad pretty much let me do whatever I wanted because he was at work all day, every day. After I left and went to college I realized how awesome my mom and my dad are and how much they prepared me for the real world. I realized that even though they were hard on me it was all for a good reason and that even though my biological dad let me do whatever he was never around the way I needed him to be.
The best thing you can do it just keep letting your kids know that you are there for them whenever they need you. Also I would have loved for my parents to offer to spend time doing whatever with me because that was the thing I felt they never did.