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Grandmother issues
My mother's mom is divorced and has lived on very little income for most of her life. She retired from her low paying job and hasn't worked as long as I can remember, she is 81 now and pretty healthy for the sedentary lifestyle she lives. About 15 years ago, when the neighborhood started becoming dangerous (now has the most shootings and drugs in the area) my parents helped her sell her house (let her keep all that money) purchased a 1 story nice home in a nice area for her to live in.
My parents charged her 250/month for rent which didn't cover the mortgage or taxes and they also paid for her cell phone and heating bill, lawn service. In addition my mother often grocery shops for her and purchases other random things she might need.
My grandma never appreciated the house and in the past year continually complained about how awful it is. She also spent all the money from her first house on random things (eating out, qvc, etc) She complains she doesnt have money even though she has very small expenses. She complains that the house is dangerous and she can't wash clothes because the stairs are so bad. My mom tries to do anything she can for her and even hired a cleaning lady that my grandma was so nasty to she wouldnt come back.
6 months ago my mom went to my grandma's house and was shocked to find how nasty it was. She hadn't flushed the toilet in forever, the microwave hadn't been cleaned in what looked like years, pots had mold and food left in them, mice nests where in her drawers and jacket pockets, trash in grocery bags that was months old, she hadn't washed clothes in months and they were all just thrown down the basement stairs and left, etc. My mom couldnt believe how bad it was. It was hard to understand because she can throw her trash out, but she doesnt.
So my mom started checking into other housing situations and found a brand new apartment complex for older people and my grandma willingly moved in 2 months ago. She was hesitant to move because she didn't want to pack, but my mom told her she would help her with everything. My mom purchased her new furniture and everything she needed. My grandma seemed somewhat happy. This moved happened somewhat quickly over about a 6 month period, but since its a small town, nice places like this don't come by often and she got the last apartment. She was also happy bc she had a friend that lived here, its a nice location and they have lots going on there like bingo and things that she likes to do.
My grandma took everything she needed and told my mom she was washing her hands of the other house and that my mom could deal with cleaning it all up. My mom wasn't thrilled with that, but knows she's in a much better situation now and it just wasn't the best situation for my parents to be my grandmas landlord.
My grandma would often not tell my parents if something was wrong with the home, like she had a clogged tub so she just dumped drano down it for months and wore away the pipes so they had to redo a good bit of the plumbing. She also jammed something in the dishwasher and didn't tell my parents it wasn't working, she just didn't wash dishes anymore. My mom saw my grandma at least once a week, but she never went much past her living room or looked in detail, my grandma mostly came to my parents house which is a 5 min drive away.
FF to the last 2 weeks. I called my grandma and all she did was talk how awful my mom is to her. Since my parents are now selling the house my grandma is convinced that was their plan all along and they just wanted to kick her out. Not because she complained to everyone in the world how much she hated it there and how awful my parents treated her. Also, she knows that this is the worst housing market in a long time and my parents are taking a loss on the home, but they just want to be done with it. My grandmother even went as far as saying my parents got X amount from her over the years so they should be happy for all they made off her when in reality the house cost them a good bit. If they really wanted to make a profit, they would have rented it to someone who actually paid even to cover the bills.
Well tonight my mom stopped over to drop off soup and my grandma was so nasty to her. She told her everything from above and told my mom that she kicked her out of her own home, never did a thing for her, told her she was a horrible person and daughter, and then told her she was going to call 911 if she didn't get out. She then told her to never come back.
Now my mom is just done. She never said much about the nasty comments my grandma would make at Christmas dinner in front of my dad family or to any other stranger. She also never said anything when my grandma would praise my mom's brother when he would take her to dinner once every 3 years when he would come into town. Nevermind that he doesnt call ever or that my parents take my grandma to eat once a week. I feel so badly for my mom, she tries so hard to help my grandma and make her happy, but nothing she ever did was good enough. My grandma also thinks my parents have a ton of money and should be helping more than they already do. She doesn't appreciate a single thing they have or continue to do for her.
I also have no idea how this is going to affect my relationship with my grandma. I'm hoping they can patch it up, but my grandma never will make the effort (she hasn't called me since I went to college 7 years ago, we only talk if I call) and my mom has had enough abuse.
Sorry this is so long, I feel like there is so much more, but doesnt anyone have any advice for me or my mom? I'm going to pray that things can work out and my grandma can be less nasty.
Re: Grandmother issues
YOur granmother's got possible emotional/mental issues.
Is she on medications or multiple meds? it could also very well be that they're interacting or she's having adverse effects to one of them and that's what's causing the change in her behavior....wow, a house that filthy is NOT normal. Something's up with your gma's emotional or mental health.
Somebody needs to possibly take power of attorney over her if she's not fit enough to attend to her own needs/life.
This is something that we thought and tried. We had her evaluated and 2 doctors said she was normal, but one my mom was there for and she was very normal. Told the doc she can't get down and scrub baseboards, but she can run a vacuum and does once a week (lie, she doesnt own a working one), she said she cooks for herself 3/4 times a week (lie, unless that means heating up fast food) Her normal doctor also said that she won't follow his advice with medications, she doesnt take them regularly or correctly.
The thing that is hard is that this isn't so far from her normal behavior. She has always been nasty to everyone. She is mean to her friends, ex husband, my mom, strangers. Before my mom caused all the problems in her life, it was my grandfather. She has always complained, but now it has gotten a lot worse and she won't listen to anyone. If my mom calls her doctor or does anything to try and help her, she hates her for it.
We tried to get her into one low income insurance program that was perfect, they cooked healthy meals, cleaned for her and did her laundry. Their purpose is to try and keep people out of nursing homes as long as possible. Now, she is physically able to take care of herself, but doesn't and she went through therapy to help her qualify for the program. They explained to her that she just had to act normal and tell them basic chores were to hard. Well she lied during the entire interview and therefore didn't qualify. They aren't going to help people who say they dont' need help.
This -- It's obvious that something is not right with your grandmother and her 'reality' is warped. It's more than just her hurt feelings or bad attitude, its much, much deeper and requires professional help. Talk to a counselor specializing in elder care, like a social worker, who can advise you on your options for your grandmother's care. It's obvious she's beyond the point of taking care of herself and after all your mom has done, I'm sure your mom is too emotionally (maybe even financially) drained to keep enduring your grandmother's behavior.
I think this is pretty fitting. I think she probably needs to just step back and let her fail on her own. It might get ugly before it gets better, and if your mother has a Power of Attorney, she may need to consult an Elder Law attorney. If she lets things go, it's possible that the state could step in and then file charges for neglect if a POA is in place.
Sounds like your mother (and yourself) probably need to look into counseling just for emotions and what not. I don't say this to be snarky at all, just meaning, that major life changes causes emotions that we don't know how to control.
My mother is going through a lot of this with her own mother, and right now we are at the steps of letting home health care take charge, but watching over to make sure things are clean, trash taken care of, etc.
It's tough, and sometimes with even dementia or mental illness attitudes can change over time... sounds like its been happening for awhile now. Just know that it's not your mothers or your fault. I hope things will get better.
If she is at the point where she cannot take care of herself, is an assisted living apartment an option?
Nobody knows how well your mom can handle a relationship with her own mother better than....your mom. She has decided to step back. That's ok! I agree your mom needs to check out what needs to be done for either her to be "divorced" financially from your grandma's responsiblities (if she has POA), or put something into place so that she is not accused of elder abuse.
I would support your mom right now in her decision - right or wrong (in your eyes), it's what she needs to do. Truly, your grandma sounds like a nasty old lady and you can't fix nasty.
DH does this with his father's wife (who was never nice to him or us). She is independent financially. If she needs to go to the hospital, he will make sure she gets there (not necessarily by him driving her - he just secures a ride), but other than that, she is on her own.
My mother does not have POA and my grandmother would never allow it at this point. I'm not sure my mother could even get it since my grandma has been deemed sane and healthy by several doctors. She refuses counseling. We did try to get her assisted living help and she didn't qualify because she is perfectly able and sane to clean up after herself, cook for herself and do her own laundry. She just chooses not to. Since she did not qualify for the program assistance my mom would have to pay 4500 a month and she cannot financially do that, especially for someone who does not appreciate it.
One major thing that came out of all this is that my grandmother is now living in a much better place than the house my parents bought for her. They don't have to worry about her falling downstairs or any major thing like that.
My grandma has always been very lazy and never kept a clean house. It always smelled funny and was much messier than we lived. My mom has tried to hire a cleaning person, but my grandma is so unreasonable about it. If the person isn't perfect its all my moms fault. My mom has also cooked meals daily for her and my grandma has told her to stop because she wasn't cooking what my grandma wanted.
I do agree my mom needs to step back and honestly right now she is ok with that. I just feel awful that my grandma treats her so poorly. I know that her behavior isn't that far off from how she has always been and there are big changes that just happen for her, but that isnt an excuse.
Your grandma is nasty and demanding because it works. Your mother continues to do things for her, and Grandma can be as lazy, messy and nasty as she wishes and your mother will still continue to do things for her. And your mother keeps going back for more abuse, probably because she just wants to be the "good daughter" and maybe your grandma will eventually come around and show her some appreciation and love. Sorry, but that isn't going to happen, and the sooner your mother comes to terms with that, the better.
Ditto PPs ... if your mother is unable to forcibly get your grandmother into an assisted living home or have a caretaker come and do things for her, then your mother needs to get herself out of this situation. Grandma is never going to do anything for herself as long as your mother is there to do it for her ... so your mom needs to step back and let Grandma do it herself.
Grandma is (apparently) a mentally capable adult, and she's free to make her own choices in life. She can choose to be nice to your mother and then your mother will help her live a clean, normal, happy life ... or she can choose to treat your mother like shiit and then as a result she can live by herself in filth and she can wallow in her own anger. It's her choice. Your mom needs to come to terms with the fact that Grandma has CHOSEN this way of life, and your mom cannot snap her out of that by doing more favors for her in the hopes that she'll see the light and become an appreciative person.
But your mother cannot put herself through this abuse any longer, or else she's going to have a mental breakdown.
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What a shame. Your grandmother could have a warm and lovely relationship with her daughter, instead she chooses to be mean and spiteful.
What a waste. I feel bad for both you and your mom.
I would give your mother the bok "Toxic Relationships" and encouage her to spend less time with your grandmother and shift the burden of visits to other family members. This is not healthy for her.
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Relationships-Regain-Power-Relationship/dp/0972731407
I would also recommend that you limit your time and exposure to her and end all conversations that disparage your mother. A simple "that is between the two of you, I won't discuss it." Followed by a "Since you continue to talk badly about my mother, I need to hang up. Click." if she keeps going on.
Neither of you deserve to be her punching bad for the disappointment and sadness her life has brought her.
This. It's tough to tell just by your post if senilitiy might be amplifying her normal behavior, or if there's something more going on. The not flushing toilets thing is really a bit over the top, as are the very sudden mood swings. I'd be looking more towards the dementia route.
It is very hard to tell because before my mother was her issue, she treated my grandfather like this 30 years ago. Its not that far off to believe she would act this way, because my mom is making her do something (move into a nicer place) that she doesn't want to do. On the other hand, she cannot seemed to be reasoned with. She truly believes my mother threw away all her things and that they were in good condition, when in reality they were in bad condition. She also knows that my parents bought the house to help her and weren't making a profit, but she insists they are/were ripping her off. She has said that for years, but is worse now since she moved.
How can we help her if she is unwilling to get help and go to the doctor?
That's what a social worker is for. If you can't get POA, and your grandmother refuses help from your mom and/or is unwilling to take her meds or go to the doctor, at least you can document this with a social worker who can attempt to do whatever they can to provide your mom with assistance on an as-needed basis.
Check out:
http://www.eldercare.gov/ELDERCARE.NET/Public/About/Aging_Network/Services.aspx
Your mom doesn't need to bear this burden, she can allow your grandmother to be as independent as she wants to be provided that there is a network of services in place to assist your grandmother when she requests help.
Paranoia and thinking that people are stealing is a huge red flag and classic sign of dementia. The person with dementia genuinely thinks they are right.
dup
Your grandmother is a mean and nasty person and has been for 30-plus years. You know it, your mom knows it, I'm sure the whole world knows it. Your mom has gotten her into assisted living, and you know that she is well taken care of. From now on, there are two things that you and your mom can do.
The first is nothing. Continue to do everything that you are doing, take her abuse, make no changes. Deal with her lying and spitefulness and toxicity.
The second is to tell her "Grandma (Mom), I've done everything that I can do for you. I've bought you a house, I've tried to get you help, I've helped you over and over and over again. I am done. D-O-N-E. I will take no more of your abuse. If you would like to hear from me, here is my phone number. I will take no more complaining or belittling. I am an adult and I know what I have done for you. I love you very much and this is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but its time for me to take care of myself for a change." You can write it and send it, you can sit down and tell her, you can write it down and burn it. But, you need to decide that you won't put up with her anymore.
At this point, you can't change her. You can only change your reaction to her.
Granny needs some tough love like a teenager. Send her a$$ on a mission trip to a 3rd world country and she'll come home appreciating the life that is handed to her.
Your mom should definitely step back and let her wallow in her own misery. That woman needs to learn a life lesson even this late into her life. Your mom is a saint for helping her and dealing with her crap.
It's more than her just being unhappy. My mom tried to go every other day, cook, clean for her and help her in anyway she could and it didn't help. I also live in FL and she lives in PA so I can't visit her every other day.
I actually have a great relationship with my grandmother. She has always been very good to me. She has always complained about everything and been very negative, but has never been nasty to me. Since I have gotten married though, she has more frequently complained about my parents. I always stop her, but she continues to do it anyways.
Are you sure we don't have the same grandmother?!?! This sounds EXACTLY like mine. I know what you are going through. I have a very hard time maintaining a relationship with my grandmother. I love her because she is my only living grandparent but that doesn't mean being around her has ever been easy. A bout with life-threatening pneumonia a couple of years ago calmed her down significantly but it is still rough. I wish we had had the relationship that I had with my other grandmother who was never anything but loving and supportive throughout my life.
My grandmother used to whine about the Christmas cards she did or did not receive from her family and grandkids. Once she sent a blank note card to my cousin out of spite because she did not feel that the "Marry Christmas Grandma" message in their Christmas card to her was enough of a greeting. She is constantly in some kind of argument with one of her children and has rewritten her will several times to disinherit various family members for the most petty of arguments. She used to not call or write unless someone else made the first move. She never came to any of my recitals when I was a kid and didn't even come to my high school or college graduations even though she was within easy driving distance of both. I never forgot either of those.
Her pneumonia incident showed her the light I think. It showed her how much she could lose by not fostering a relationship that was healthy with her children and grandchildren. Our relationship is better but not perfect by any means. Thankfully, she did come to our wedding in September though getting her to smile in the photos was quite the undertaking. We did manage to get some incognito candids of her smiling though so I know she had a good time. I make more of an effort to call and write to her and she meets me in the middle. She has even written of her own volition a time or two.
The only thing I can say to you is that I hope your grandmother realizes how much she is missing out on before it is too late. Luckily my grandma still has some life to live and is using some of that time to work out her behaviors and issues with the family. For the time being, I would be as cordial and polite as possible. Does she like receiving letters? I wrote to my grandma even when I knew she wouldn't write me back but later found out from her that the letters she received from grandchildren are one of her most prized possessions. She kept every single one even though she acted so surly to everyone. Take anything she says with a grain of salt. We used to just ignore a lot of the nasty things my grandmother said because fighting with her would make it so much worse for everyone. We just went about our lives and if she wanted to choose to be a part of it then we welcomed her. I know exactly how you feel but at the end of the day her behavior only reflects badly on her and there's no need to let it bring you down too. I know that's easier said than done, trust me.