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Intro and Some Blabbing
Hi All! I am currently separated from my DH. We have been apart for about 4 months. We have no children. All my friends are happily married or single so I have no one to really talk to who understands what I am going through. I am doing counseling and group therapy but thought I would post here too. This is a long blabby post, but there are some questions at the end too.
My DH and I have been married for four years. There was no cheating, drugs, alcohol or violence. We got along pretty well day by day and I think we make a good team. We are both nice, agreeable people for the most part. These things make me feel like we should stick it out but...
Yet, there are some big issues that have held our relationship back and ultimately our lives. First, he failed out of school several times and finally made the decision to just not get his BA even though we had agreed he would get his BA so then I could finally get my MA. This was a huge upset in our life plan you could say. Also, during these past few years when he would get stressed out, he acted pretty unpredictably - one time he beat our dog pretty badly and another time he stopped talking for weeks, literally no communication. He also at one point said he doesn't know how he feels about me or if he wants to be married. The last year we were together, he started to really harp on me for minor things and began to insult me and I finally had it when he said he wasn't attracted to me because of my stomach pouch (I am a size 6, always have been but have recently become not as toned I guess). Since he wasn't attracted to me, we hadn't been physically close for months and months. This was a big problem but he never got help for it.
Ultimately, I eventually made the decision to get out of the house. I just couldn't breathe and I just felt out of place and out of sorts. I feel a lot of guilt for leaving since at the point I left, things were actually going really well and he was making a huge effort to be better and to be nice and supportive.
His defense for all of the above actions is that he doesn't really mean most of the things he says or does, he just says stupid stuff and acts stupidly...so I should never take it seriously. He says I need to forgive and forget because he is really trying to be nice and make an effort. I do notice his efforts and appreciate him trying. Since I left, he seems to finally be taking responsibility for his actions and understands words have consequences, even if he doesn't mean them. He has finally also started seeing a counselor to help him plan his life and hopefully overcome his anxiety, stress issues. I had been trying to get him help during all four years.
I am not sure what to do now. I feel lost. I am constantly thinking about what to do. I feel like I owe it to us to try again and my moral code says to stick with this and re-commit, especially since he is trying. I should also note that most of the issues I described happen sporadically, so there are lots of good, perfect days too.
Another part of me thinks we just aren't compatible and that in so many ways we will never be our happiest together, even if we can be pretty darn happy. How much work is too much work? When does the bad begin to outweigh the good? During your time of separation, when and how did you just know what to do and what was best for everyone? If he is trying, should I try too? How do you deal with any guilt for leaving? I keep waiting for some clarifying moment to help me figure out what to do, but it seems in all of this mess, I have completely lost my voice and my ability to know what I want. I really thought my life was figured out and now I feel like maybe I just messed everything up.
Re: Intro and Some Blabbing
:::Look out RE, I'm throwing out the abuse card!!!::::
Your H is an abuser. He made himself a physical abuser when he beat your dog. (I would've taken my dog and left him that day). Who's to say he won't turn and do it to you one day? After all, you yourself said he'd unpredictable.
He's an emotional abuser by belittling you and harping on your physical appearance. Your marriage is going through the cycle -- of course he's going to say he "didn't mean it" or that he was being "stupid". He'll keep saying that until it happens again.
I agree, be thankful you got out before you were the target instead of the dog. Your going to feel 'guilty' like you failed at your marriage, thats normal and will go away. Some things dont work out and you werent to blame, ultimatly we cant make someone else happy if we ourselves are not....
I highly recommend talking to a counsellor, you dont have to commit to being in therapy for a logn time, but it will help you deal with these feelings. As for your STBX you have no children so I would limit contact to maybe only through your lawyers or something so he cant try to convince you that he has changed etc...
I agree with the PP's, too. You H is an abuser and he will continue to be an abuser. He will say whatever he needs to say right now to get you to come back, but he'll keep cycling. He'll be nice for a while and then do something that could be considered abuse. He'll tell you that he was having a bad day, or that you shouldn't have pushed him, or that the dog made him upset, or that he's feeling low about his lack of success in school. It sounds like your H needs to seek help for his own issues and it's not your job to fix him.
I think you made the right decision by leaving. No one should have to walk on egg shells around their spouse and you should always be treated like a princess.
Best of luck to you. Please know that everyone on this board is incredibly supportive and helpful. We're here for you.
I stopped reading when you said he BEAT your dog.
that alone is 100% reason to leave him and never look back. I don't care if he's the male version of Mother Theresa, HE BEAT YOUR DOG, your FAMILY MEMBER.
Stay away. Stay far, far away.
You should leave.
The guilt will go away eventually. And eventually you'll probably realize that you don't even have much to feel guilty about, actually.
You are stressing over this because it's a sucky situation, and no one wants to go through it. But from what you've said here, it looks like you'll be much happier out of this relationship.
Plus, he hurt your dog? a-hole. eff him. Leave!
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support!
Yes, the only thing I feel I can never forgive him for is when he beat the dog. It's been years and it still hurts to think about. She had bitten him I guess and he just lost it (it was in the middle of the night so the details are fuzzy). It bothers me to this day and I definitely came close to leaving then but I did not feel in control of the situation and was completely caught of guard by his actions - it left me paralyzed. I wish sometimes there was a guidebook on what to do in these situations. A person who hurts a dog is a deal breaker for me, on paper, yet when it happens in real life I can't seem to just say, "enough!" and leave. I am the biggest dog lover and his actions literally broke my heart and made me ill and yet I still look for ways to explain his actions and move on and work with him on his issues.
I guess another issue I have is every guy I have ever been with has shown angry outbursts (throwing things, road rage, etc). How do I stop the pattern because I feel like I choose nice, level headed guys and then just make them mad enough to act this way. Like every guy ultimately behaves this way. I know I should talk to my counselor about this but just writing it out for my own self I guess for some thought.
This makes me sad for you. I think you would benefit from counseling.
But whatever else you do or don't do, definitely leave.
I hope you leave the jerk and that you take the poor dog with you.
I, too, had to stop reading when you said he beat your dog.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
He BEAT your dog?!?!
::rubs eyes::
Out. Now.
And, he shouldn't have to try to be a nice person. If he's trying, then he's going against his natural inclination. He meant every nasty thing he said. If he didn't, those thoughts wouldn't have even been in his head.
I appreciate the honesty. I know my thinking is not completely logical but I am just being honest about these thoughts in the hope someone who has been there can help me understand. I can read what I post and know it is bad and yet I feel this guilt or whatever in that I haven't done enough or tried enough or been enough. I feel like everyone has issues and maybe marriage is just buckling down and dealing with them one by one. It's a commitment for better or for worse and sometimes people act their worse but people can and do change and get better once they learn and mature. I have seen him make this progress.
I say all of this but I don't know if I even believe it, it's just what goes through my head and makes me second guess myself. When we first got married I was so in love and so ready to make this work and so happy...I didn't know about the type of person he would become once life got harder and responsibilities mounted. I guess in some was I feel hopeless. I think that if I do leave this marriage for good, I have to be okay with being alone for the rest of my life and currently, this thought is still new and scary. But I just don't think I will find someone again.
1. This is a terrible reason to stay with a person you don't like, who is kind of an a-hole.
2. The odds are that you WILL find someone new. Give yourself a chance to be happy.
3. ...and even if you don't, living alone will be better than living the rest of your life with someone who makes you feel like sh!t, and hurts the things/people/animals you care about. Trust.
It's so hard guys, because I shared the worst of the worst. But there are also good times too. When I got really sick and needed surgery, he took care of me so well...all the nurses were impressed. He was so worried but such a good caretaker and never left my side. He would surprise me with thoughtful dates and gifts. He is always thinking about me. One time he surprised me with an awesome dress and took me out so I could feel like a princess. He was awesome with my nieces and nephews, grandparents and relatives - they all love him so much and think he is such a good guy. We have a blast with our friends and on dates, even just staying home and watching a movie. He took care of the house for the most part and was responsible with that kind of stuff. He is honest (sometimes to a fault) and completely loyal. His family is great. He is a complete geek but we had silly times and he could always make me laugh. When I got completely stressed, he would always ask what he could do.
I am not saying all of this to defend him but....how do you take all the good and all the bad and make a decision? There were some truly awful days but there were lots of really good, sweet days. I guess I have trouble understanding who he really is and if the good days just aren't enough to make his actions forgivable or at least fixable for the future.
I am being overly candid I am sure but these are my thoughts and what keeps me just going back and forth 24/7. I hope others can identify!
When the X and I divorced, I told myself that I would never meet anyone ever again. I even told my therapist I felt that way. He told me it wasn't fair to a potential suitor to feel that way, even though it was okay to feel that way then since it was so new.
After that, I decided that I needed to make myself happy and I am not going to depend on someone else to make me happy. So, I picked myself up, started working on my mental/emotional/physical health and I became so incredibly content with myself and the way my life was going that I wasn't even interested in a relationship.
Well, 4 years later, I found someone and even though our relationship is still pretty new (4 months or so) things are going well and I KNOW that now I can be in another relationship again.
It takes time to heal, but you will find someone someday, sometimes it takes longer for some than others.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Absolutely 100% this!! It's sickening to hear anyone can beat a defenseless animal and is proof that he has something very wrong with him. Run!!
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
I needed to hear this. I guess I needed someone to just say that when a DH hits a dog or makes insults...the relationship is just.not.working regardless of how many perfect days there are otherwise or regardless of the best of intentions.
I also wanted to clarify that I see a counselor every week and do group therapy every week. So I am def getting that kind of help but it's nice to just bounce my crazy thoughts off of people who have been there and can just reinforce my strength when I feel weak.
Thanks for putting up with my randomness. I know eventually I will get to a better place and the self doubt will subside. It just helps tremendously to get people to call me out on my irrational thinking.
Of course there are good days, I am sure even the worst of criminals have a nice side to them. That being said, you are justifying his behavior. You are also living with someone who has manipulated and abused you, so you don't have a clear thought process in all of this. I would recommend counseling and some reading up on manipulative/abusive men (you're welcome RE).
Once you are out of a situation like that for awhile you finally see things are they really are and wonder why in the world you ever put up with that behavior, but at the time when you're in the thick of it, you think it's totally normal.
He BEAT your dog!! Absolutely no excuse whatsoever in behaving like that. My H has good days and bad days. I feel guilty every day so far that I've chosen to leave him (side note, we are still living together and will be for the next month and this all happened 3 weeks ago). But I know in my heart of heart that the alcoholc abuse and physical, emotional and mental abuse will just continue to esclate. Per my therapist advice...BAIL, get the out of there!! Feeling like a failure will subside. In all honestly and even though this is going on in my life for the past 3 weeks, I had a moment of clarity and started to feel better about making the decision to leave. So Jade, BAIL!!!
And I left out the part where he screamed his head off at me for calling him crying and scared.
But I intentionally left out all of the bad in hopes of making everyone (including myself) believe that everything was fine.
Your mind also gets so twisted that you don't know black from white. My friend and I always refer to it as "apples and oranges". You will eventually start to believe that an apple is really an orange and vice versa. I was so messed up by the end that XH talked me into believing that his communication with another woman was my fault because I wasn't giving him what he needed. The scenario ended with him actually being upset with me, pouting, and then leaving in a huff and not answering his phone.
OP, please pay attention to what we're telling you and get out now and get the help you need and deserve. You will thank yourself one day.
Soooo did anyone else notice the uncensored f-bomb up there? We can say "fucked!"
Well now that I have read through all the the responses, here is mine.
OP, I know exactly how you feel because I'm in your situation. My H has never been physically violent as yours was towards your dog, but he has put his hands on me in ways that have caused me pain, and when I would tell him to stop (on multiple occasions I would have to tell him multiple times to stop), he would tell me that what he was doing wasn't actually hurting me- even if he was restraining me and I was struggling against him. Physical abuse, much? But he was always "just playing." Right?
He also belittled me. Called me names, made fun of my body. Even when I would communicate to him that these things hurt my feelings, he was always "just joking," and I "just took it the wrong way." Unfortunately, that never made it hurt any less.
I am now in the transitional stage where I'm leaving and he is being super sweet and doing nice things for me- complementing me more (like he never did before), sending me sweet texts throughout the day, buying me expensive gifts and flowers. And I feel incredibly guilty. I'm second guessing myself and wondering if my decision to leave is right.
But you know what? Now that I'm gone (though I'm not completely moved out yet), I feel like myself. I can think. I don't feel overwhelmed and smothered by his too-late attempts to be a good husband and a decent human being; especially when I know that it is only a matter of time before the cycle repeats.
Please do what you know will make you happy. You know that if you stay, it's only a matter of time until you're scared and miserable again. Life is too short, and there is absolutely no reason to live that way.
EVERYTHING ACHASE SAID!!! I've been exactly where you're at. I convinced myself everything was OK at home. It wasn't. Everything he did somehow got twisted into being my fault and I'd be the one apologizing. Example: I found text conversations on his phone between him and the OW, confronted him, and I was SCREAMED at for not minding my own business and for looking at his phone.
I never thought he'd lay his hands on me-NEVER. 2 months ago, I learned otherwise. There's a domestic assault record on file and am on the verge of filing harrassment charges because of the verbal abuse that continues to escalate.
You're a victim and can't see reality for what it truly is until you get out of the situation - currently, he's distorting it. Things will become clear to you once you leave.
I'm a lurker, but I have to reiterate this. He beat your dog. A DOG. Some might not agree with me, but that's pretty much on par with beating a child in my mind. A dog is a domesticated creature who you've trained to depend on you and trust you, whose whole life revolves around your approval (and your feeding it and giving it basic care).
I'm sure your H has some good qualities, but people who abuse animals are basically the scum of the earth to me. Seriously, beating a dog is probably one of the worst things a person can do.
On that note, I would file for divorce and not look back. There are plenty of other men in the world who are actually nice and not abusive (even when they "get angry" and "just can't help it"). Also, continue therapy to learn about yourself and your patterns, learn that you really do deserve better, and learn to move on.
I haven't read every bodies responses yet, but - is the dog okay?
That alone would be cause for me to go. My dog is my child sense I don't have any. He was my xh's child too - but since I paid for him before we were even engaged, he is mine. How anybody could touch or even hurt a defenless animal that is so loving and devoted is not a good person in my books. My xh actually told me during an argument that, when I tried to leave with the dog, that I couldn't go because I was crying and it wasn't safe to drive with tears in my eyes and he didn't want me to get in an accident with the dog in the car.
The transition period is confusing .. it's challenging because of all the emotions you face. I still have those thoughts periodically - and I'm already divorced! But they come when i think about the good times we did have - those moments will always make me smile - and there isn't anything wrong with that. We had great times .. but the bad times weren't few and they were really bad.