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why does this bother StbX
So we are still living together (til summer) and Thurs evening StbX tells me he will be late Friday night as he going to a bar with his students after class (he works at a university). His frequent socializing with students was just one of inappropriate behavior/suspicions of cheating I had of him. But now he is free to do as he pleases
So this morning I confirm - "you wont be home for dinner?" He replies he might be. So I asked him to text me for sure because if he wasn't coming for dinner I would be taking the boys out for dinner, but if he was then we'd stay and have dinner at home.
and he's grunts that annoyed "figures" noise and seems irritated
I don't understand why he would care since he wouldn't be here anyway.
Do you think he is mad he isn't included? Seriously?! He HATES going out to dinner with the boys as he is easily irritated
by their behavior and I hardly like being in the same room with StbX so there is no way I'm going out to dinner with that man.
I don't get it. Does he expect his StbXwife to sit at home and wait for him?
Re: why does this bother StbX
Well I think I would be annoyed if I were him because you seem to bother him a lot still about his schedule here. I think you both need to work on living together, but separately. Maybe you trade off on days you make dinner for the kids/stay in with them or something. It should be dinner is at X time, if it isn't your day with the kids, then no need to check in with spouse if you will be there or not.
Also as I recall, this staying until summer thing is do to finances. He's probably annoyed that you are spending money out when there is clearly food at home. From what I remember you tend to go out a lot with the kids right? To get out and away from your STBX? I'm not judging just guessing his frustration. Of course he's out spending money on drinks.
Mainly financial: His mom will help him refinance the house so he can keep it (but her money is locked until summer) & our youngest will start kindergarden so it will free up daycare costs
The two of you still living together is a recipe for disaster....
You had no 'right' to say, "so you wont be home for dinner?" and he had no 'right' to react that way, however you were married and continuing to live in the same house is making it harder to differentiate the new way of life. Its hard not to ask those questions anymore and react to them. And as the other poster said, if you are doing this to save money neither of you should be going out.
If you wanted to take the boys out you just should have, you dont need to ask or tell him and wether he is home or not isnt a concern....sorry I just see this getting very ugly...
thanks for the insight pxd
I had planned to make dinner so that is why I asked him. We're pretty fair about who ever gets home first starts dinner.
Sadly no, I don't go out that much. Just about once a month each time that StbX was out of town - eating out is quite a change since as a couple we would go out to dinner together once a year on our anniversary. Since we eat as a family for our kids I don't want to go out if StbX home for dinner.
and an occasional dinner out wont break the bank so I don't think that' his concern.
Sounds like you both don't really have any parenting plan in place. It seems like he wants his space and independence apart from you and maybe expect the same from you. All of your roles have change but yet there is no clear identity right now and makes day to day living confusing and awkward.
If you practice parenting style now how you would vision it when summer comes and it is time to physically separate, it might help the transition a lot better. I.E. he is responsible for the kids on certain day/nights and you on the others. Might be considered special events if all of you have dinner together.
Just a thought.
I currently still live with my stbxh and he was mad the other night that I have not been cleaning the house lately. He is the one that chose to leave and is having a hard time making that transition. I don't owe him anything as he fired me as a wife by wanting a divorce. I am just waiting for him to move out so I can start living in comfort again.
Why do you care that he is annoyed?
You seem to have an odd relationship. You can hardly stand to be in the same room, but you extra-check to make sure he won't be home for dinner so you can make other plans? How about assuming that on nights he will be late, he WON'T have dinner with you, and make your plans from there? Either eat at home with the boys or go out, but either way you can assume that your stbx will make his own meal. Why should the whole family wait on him to come home? If my H comes home late from work, I don't wait to feed the kids, and we are still together!
I don't know how else to deliver this, but, frankly, I could feel myself getting annoyed with the "will you be here"s and "text me"s and whatnot. I think he's annoyed because he told you on Thursday what was going on. I could maybe see one confirmation, "So things are still on" on Friday morning (if even ... I don't really even think that was needed, since it was literally only hours since he had informed you of his plans.)
I get that living under the same roof is financially necessary, and I even get that eating together as a family is beneficial to the kids. But you need separate lives, and to stay out of each others' business!
I didn't read any other responses but my EH and I were still living together and emotionally and physically separated, we acted as if we were just that...separated. I didn't care where he was going and when he was coming home I didn't make him dinner anymore. I made food for me and Ella and if he ate it OK but I didn't care if he was there.
We also started both CS and EOW type care for DD. If we happened to both be home the same weekend then so be it but for the most part every other weekend I stayed at one of my friend's houses.
I also see this situation getting worse before it gets better. I think he gets annoyed and shuts down because he doesn't want to answer to anyone, especially his STBXW. He doesn't really care what you think and will do as he pleases, but it bothers you if he doesn't answer the way you'd like.
It seems this situation may make it much harder for YOU to move through the grieving process and move forward with your life if you're in the same household until next summer. It's as if you're stuck in purgatory by choice.
And you are staying with him in the house to help him. He completely has you where he wants you. Why do you care if he gets to keep the house or not? I moved out with my DD as soon as I possibly could.
Do you work?
I guess I have mixed emotions reading this. Largely because when I read that - That is how my xh and I were.. couldn't stand him but yet stll trying to work him.
As for the STBXH, to me, my thought was he was frustrated because if he came home then you would eat at home.. but if he didn't come home THEN you would go out... At least, that's how my xh worked.
Good luck... Living with him can't be easy but you will find a way to make it work if you have to.
Its not really like that... maybe I didn't explain it well...we still communicate over the children, bills, what groceries need to be bought, and what time each other is coming home so we know who needs to pick up the kids. So far we're respective and courteous to each other. It maybe a weird situation but it's what I have so I'm trying to make the best of it.
But we no longer share a bedroom, nor hopes/dreams of a future together as a couple.
Heavenly - I really like your idea of a parenting plan. I'm getting to work on creating one!