Family Matters
bmk112302
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How should fight between SIL's be handled
I had a pretty heated argument with SIL (DH's Brother's wife) today. This has been a long time coming and I pretty much threw down all the issues on the table. Words were exchanged and we hung up on each other. Now DH's brother is trying to call him. Should they talk about it or stay out of it?
Re: How should fight between SIL's be handled
I agree. You don't want to turn this into a whole family fight.
They were not a part of the argument and have nothing to do with it. It was a pretty nasty argument and I told her exactly how I feel about her. Its been a long time coming and I finally have had enough. It could possibly be relationship ending.
While the fight may not technically involve them, in reality it does - their wives don't like one another. This is going to impact them. There is no way it can't.
Should they talk to try and fix this for you?
No.
But should they talk to try and determine how they, the two of them, can make THEIR relationship work while being married to women who don't like one another?
Yes, I think they should.
Quite honestly, I think it's unrealistic to expect them to NOT talk about this!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
A little part of me thinks the BIL *might* be calling to bad-mouth the poster to his brother. I hope it is an high-minded and civilized as you portray ... but a call within a few minutes/hours of the argument doesn't boad well.
To the point, that would be wrong. And make things so much worse between the SILs.
Personal experience-
SIL and I LOATHE eachother and one day I get a phone call from BIL (which is my husbands brother) about how I need to stop bad mouthing his wife and horassing her (which is impossible because I avoid her like the black plague) or else they are going to call the cops on me yada yada. I held my tongue as they (SIL and BIL) took turns screaming at me on the phone and eventually blew up. Here I am living at my Future Inlaws house at the time while my then fiance was at work getting bashed by these 2 clowns. I hung up called up my fiance and told him what had happened and he called his brother up and told him to never ambush me like that again especially when he wasn't around. Fast foward 8 months and BIL basically disowned my husband. Family dinners BIL wouldn't look,speak or even acknowledge that my husband was there, pretty much looked the other direction like a dog or a 5 year old would pretend you weren't there. Refused to be his best man at the wedding or even show up but wouldn't own up to the fact he didnt want to go because he didnt support it but made an excuse that he was out of town when we know he wasn't.
Basically what im getting at is its going to be a big mess regaurdless of what you do because your husband is going to want to protect and your BIL is going to protect his wife.
Good Luck
Everyone was responding "They should keep out of it" and really my only point is that they can't. Realistically, they can't. They are brothers whose wives don't like one another. People really think they can stay totally uninvolved?
It's just not going to happen. It's going to have some kind of impact on the brothers and on the family.
I think the poster and her DH need to think long and hard on how to deal with this and I think her DH needs to try REALLY hard to "stay above it", so to speak, when dealing w/ his brother.
Now, they can't control his brother or SIL and how they now act. But I've actually lived this, and we're all presently living w/ "SIL" not talking to us or my IL's (for 4 years now!). It doesn't affect our relationship w/ BIL in that we all still talk, he comes down to visit, etc. BUT - he doesn't come as often as he used to, we don't see him on any major holidays, and big familiy events - either he comes alone or he doesn't come.
There is just no way the family will be totally unaffected.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I called her a few choice names and I shouldn't have. That was the only reason I apologized. I meant the other things I said and I stand behind them. I just shouldn't have stooped to that level.
I called her a few choice names and I shouldn't have. That was the only reason I apologized. I meant the other things I said and I stand behind them. I just shouldn't have stooped to that level.
Just playing devils advocate here, but was it necessary to tell your SIL how you *really* felt about her as a person?
IMHO, to keep the peace in the family maybe keep thoughts and opinions to yourself and/or keep it between you and your DH. Unless she is stealing, or hurting your immediate family it only stirs the pot of drama to tell an IL how you really feel about them. What did she do to deserve the choice words? Maybe I need a little more information.
In the future you should just do this and just smile and play nice at family functions. In reality you will be spending a lifetime with this person.
I totally get that. There is a lot to this story and I really don't want to post all the details online. Some of what was going on was going to effect our children and for that I couldn't remain quiet. There were some things that just needed to be said. I know I should have stuck to facts and the things that needed to be addressed and I went a bit too far. Her deserving those choice words has been a situation brewing for 9 years now. Again, whether or not she deserved them I know I shouldn't have said it. Its not like she was being pleasant in the conversation either and some very unpleasant emails had been exchanged prior to the phone call. The unpleasantness starting on her end. Many things have happened and a lot of frustration was building due to that. Somethings should have been addressed long ago. It is very hard to play nice in DH's family when no one else does. I have tried to do so for 9 years and it was only breeding resentment and frustration.
DH's response to brother needs to be 'they had a fight, they'll work it out, i'm staying out of it and you should too'. end of story.
yuo're both adults I assume (you and SIL). it's normal for people to have arguments. it's not ok for the entire family to get involved.