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Does this seem ethical to you? (re: lawyers)
I'm in the process of having my lawyer send a letter to XH's lawyer and in turn to him to say all items remaining in the house are now mine (he failed to get things and the deadline was 9/9) and he has no rights to them. He still thinks he's going to rip cabinets off the walls and do a "walk through" of the house to make sure he has everything...yeah, no.
I know my lawyer and his deal with each other in other cases, and upon inquring about the status of the letter today, my lawyer indicated she had mentioned the issue to his lawyer during another meeting they had together this week.
I asked whether his lawyer had said anything to XH in regards to these discussions, because if so, I needed to call the police in order to have an officer present tomorrow at our child exchange. He'll be unpredictable and potentially abusive due to his anger of not getting the remaining items. My lawyer said that his lawyer offered to text XH about the remaining items, but she told them to wait until I sent a formal letter.
I now have anxiety about this because I have no way to know whether XH knows about this and if he does, I'm scared of the backlash physically and verbally that may ensue this weekend.
Am I wrong for thinking this was very unprofessional of both lawyers?
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Re: Does this seem ethical to you? (re: lawyers)
yes, you're wrong. It seems like the order is clear that he forfeits any items he has not obtained by 9/9, and 9/9 has long since passed. It's not necessary to send a reminder letter that states that; and if I were to send such a letter asking the other counsel to tell their client something, I would be out of line and the lawyer would have no obligation to do so. Your lawyer brought it up to the other lawyer, that's enough.
If your ex is so foolish as to try to take things from your home, call the police. As you would if anyone tried to take something of yours. If he has any questions or wants to make any demands of you (and it sounds like he's being belligerent and purposely appearing to not understand the order, in order to bully and intimidate you) tell him to have his lawyer call yours, and shut the door.
If he gets physically abusive, call the police; have your cell phone in your hand and predialed to 911, and if possible, have someone else present at the time of the exchange.
agreed deadline has passed but what is still left? Can you box it up and give it to him just as a sign of goodwill? (not the cabinets, obviously). That may de-escalate any abuse/violence that he will exhibit during your child exchange.
Good luck!
Everything that he wants is in the garage. I don't want any of the stuff, but I can't fit it in my car to give it to him. Plus, last time I hauled a load to him when I picked up DS, he made me unload it myself. That ended that nice gesture. I simply don't want him snooping around my house and garage every time he comes for child exchanges because he thinks he's entitled to do so since he still has belongings here.
I fully understand that he has no rights to anything, but also recognize that one little thing will set him off and it will become dangerous for DS and myself to be alone with him if the timing is wrong. Due to his unmedicated bipolar disorder and some other mental issues, every move must be thought through and planned in order to avoid backlash.
When I asked my lawyer what I could do, she indicated we could send a letter to indicate his time has passed, and also that he needs to comply with the other items in the decree, for which he hasn't done, otherwise he'll be held in contempt.
Why is he allowed visits with your DS if he may become violent?
A letter from your or his lawyer is not going to make him become sane and normal and not hold unreasonable expectations. He is not interested in ending the drama and letters won't fix a thing.
You could place his things in a storage unit, pay one month's rent, and tell him (through counsel) that his things are there and this is how long the rent is paid for and he can collect his stuff till then at that location, if you want the crap out of your house. Or drive it to his lawyer's office and leave it there for him to pick up, since you are unwilling to just get rid of it. Or his parents'. Passively waiting for him to come make a scene at your house over the stuff seems the least effective way of managing this.
Because I have no tangible proof that he would put DS in any sort of physical danger. Most likely, the violence would be in verbal form, but I can't be sure.
The letter will say that all remaining items belong to me and that he needs to comply with the OTHER agreements in the decree for which he hasn't done.
Although it isn't legally necessary for him to be "reminded", it seems this is a step in the legal process. In speaking to the police regarding harrassment charges, one of the steps was that the officer had to call XH directly and speak to him, and essentially make it known that this was his warning and to knock it off, and then if it happened again he would be charged.
It seems the law like to coddle people like him, give him far too many chances (how else can a person get off from 4 OWI's, violating probation and not having to serve the original sentence, not be a felon, not do extensive jail time, not lose his teaching license, and get a work permit 4 years earlier than he's supposed to?). If I could go straight to the court and get this all done, I would have done it months ago, but don't have much faith in the system, so for now I'm following the guidance of my lawyer.
I don't think either of the attorneys did something unethical. They probably thought they were taking care of the problem for you, and in a way where they have to bill you a lot less.
It sounds like he's leaving the stuff at your house to retain some kind of control/right to snoop. So I'd want it gone too. At some point you will have to remind him to get the stuff and give him some kind of "last notice" just so you can get rid of it. Then I'd be posting all of it for free on craigslist. No matter when you do this there's a good chance he'll be mad, because you are taking control out of his hands and it sounds like he likes to have control over you. So it would basically be delaying the inevitable if he wasn't mad this weekend, you know?
Have you asked your attorney whether or not you are allowed to video or audio record custody exchanges? This depends on your state law but it may make you feel more protected if you can record and can tell him you're recording so he knows to toe the line. Otherwise, I'd bring someone or you could try and decide on a neutral location, like the police department or school, for exchanges.
Agreed, however, the difference would be whether he is irrate 12 days until I have to see him again for the next exchange and having that time to take legal action if needed vs. him being mad and then me having to see him the very next day when he's still raging mad, kwim?