Sex & Romance
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Plese help! I'm desperate.
My fiance have been engaged for a little over two years, but have been dating for five and a half years. We have a six month old son and is the apple of our eyes. But lately it's been all about our son and parenting and nothing as just as a couple. I pretty much throw myself at him and he doesn't do anything? I don't know what to do, I want him to want me. And everynight I cry myself to sleep wondering when is he going to want me.
I need advice, anything...please.
"I am my beloved's and my beloved's is mine"
Song of Soloman 6:3
Re: Plese help! I'm desperate.
My Blog
It could be an adjustment thing or a "new dad" thing.
What you DO need to do -- and I have stressed this to ladies and gents seeking advice over and over again:
Communicate.
Set aside a good chunk of time for you and he to talk and talk at length; get somebody to watch the kiddo for the evening.
Do not address this topic in the bedroom; talk it over with him in the kitchen or living room or a family room -- anywhere but the bedroom.
He's not a mind reader. He's not going to know what you want if you do not sit down with him and say something like "honey, I love you and I think you're so hot but lately you and I haven't been having much sex at all. Why do you think that is" and let him take the floor.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Good luck; let us know what happens -- and he owes it to you to work on this issue with you as a couple.
One more thing: I would NOT set a date until this issue is resolved and resolved to YOUR satisfaction; marrying him won't cure him of lack of sex and turn him into a ladykiller sex machine.
Address this issue right now. And make sure there's a solution to it that satisfies YOU.
BTW, what's up with the 2 year engagement period? Is there a reason why you're engaged 2 years? Is there a date set? What's happening with that?
I know he's no mind reader which is why we do communicate, but he isn't one to open up but we're working on that. He usually says there isn't anything wrong, and it's just because of work he has been tired and not in the mood. But it's not like him to be this way.
And the two year engagement was because he asked me to be his girlfriend in April of 2006 on Easter sunday and proposed April of 2009 on Easter sunday and he set the date April 2012 for Easter sunday. He was so romantic and cute
I miss those days. And we ended up changing our date because if we were to have kept April 7, 2012 it would have been our sons first birthday so we pushed our wedding to June 2, 2012.
So he tell you he's tired and not in the mood.
When WILL he be in the mood?
Meanwhile, you're sexually shipwrecked.
Another talk is merited. You're not in a relationship with him to be a celibate roommate and chief cook and bottle washer.
He has to work on this with YOU; this is part of being a dedicated couple.
Other factors I can think of:
Was he in the delivery room with you? If so, he may have something called the "madonna/wh0re syndrome" -- guys that are like this no longer see their wives/SOs as a sexual object and sexual partner; they only see the "mother" part of her and hence, they're not keen on having sex with her.
This is psychological; only a sex therapist can make this "diagnosis"; it would not be a bad idea for you both to see a sex therapist. This is also fixable.
I don't know your ages but I am guessing the 2 of you are rather rather young and that you and he are probably each other's firsts. I hate to be the bearer of possible bad news but it very well could also be that this relationship is over.
You need to ask him if he still wants to get married; he should be marrying you because he is thrilled to spend the rest of his life with you, not because "uh we have a kid and we're engaged so marriage comes next and we've been together over 5 years anyway."
You need to sit down with him and talk to him, AGAIN. At length.
You and he need to have an at-length and no holds barred talk...."I'm tired" has been his mantra; you've heard this over and over again and it's not acceptable.
YOu need to get answers and you need a solution that is beneficial and satisfactory to YOU.
If he will not ante up in the bedroom after talking again and he has agreed to work on this with you, you'd be better off calling off the relationship and wedding and going your separate way.
Marriage will NOT, like I said, fix this problem. What you are seeing right now is a preview of your lives together.
It's better to swallow your pride and call off an engagement than go through a painful and possible costly (emotionally and financially) divorce. GL.
Adding more:
A 3 year engagement, really?
You were better off both saving your money and carrying on as a committed couple minus any engagement -- and seeing how things went in the next few years.
I am still willing to bet you and he are probably very young 20s. Bad news -- very few guys are ready and mature enough for a lifelong commitment at that age --- and as you can see, youth is an age of great big change in a person.
You say you communicate with him and you and he talk. But if that is the case, why are you still at square one with sexual dissatisfaction and why are you crying yourself to sleep over what's going on?
Another talk, like I said -- and make sure it is one that is frank and honest and not candy coated. He needs to get with the program on this -- and if he does not, end this relationship, take the kiddo and make sure you see an attorney for child support and child visitation rights. Don't waste the best years of your life on a guy who won't ante up sexually; if sex is important to you, find a guy who feels the same way YOU do.
BFP 2/10/2012!
Due Date: 10/15/2012!
Baby Boy Born 10/11/12! (Not on purpose)
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like you've been telling him how he makes you feel. Guys are not a mind reader at all. You have to spell everything out to him.
It sounds like you only asked him, "what's wrong? why are you not in the mood?" You need to go further and ask him something like, "Why are you with me? Do you love me? I feel like you're not attracted to me anymore, are we just roomates?" And TELL him how he makes you feel. "You make me feel like you're not attracted to me. It hurts me so much that I don't feel the love from you anymore."
I'm not saying that you should end the relationship. But you need to TELL him exactly how he makes you feel. If he cares about you, he'd put in the effort to make you feel loved.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like you've been telling him how he makes you feel. Guys are not a mind reader at all. You have to spell everything out to him.
It sounds like you only asked him, "what's wrong? why are you not in the mood?" You need to go further and ask him something like, "Why are you with me? Do you love me? I feel like you're not attracted to me anymore, are we just roomates?" And TELL him how he makes you feel. "You make me feel like you're not attracted to me. It hurts me so much that I don't feel the love from you anymore."
I'm not saying that you should end the relationship. But you need to TELL him exactly how he makes you feel. If he cares about you, he'd put in the effort to make you feel loved.
My relationship isn't over. Just because we dont agree on sex doesn't mean its time to call it quits! I didn't fall in love with him because of his penis, so yeah I can handle dealing without sex. Thats not my concern, I would just like for a simple "dang you look cute" or a tight hug or a stare as i;m walking away.
We will work this out, I have faith in my relationship and in him. We love one another, and if I truly open up and honestly say how i feel without sugar coating it...then I'm sure he;ll understand.
And just because we are in our early twenties doesn't mean it wont last.
-And sorry for being slightly rude in this last post, but certain things that were said were a little harsh.
This is why people typically get married before having kids... relationships get strained and the marriage typically protects them. Try date nights, "inspirational videos", and do your best to make it through this.
I would suggest changing your user name unless you want people knowing who you are.