Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Reconciliation w/ toxic family after therapy? Any hopeful experiences?
I'm working toward reconciliation with toxic family that I 'cut out' of my life for the last 3 months for crossing established boundaries and harrassing/threatening behavior. My realistic expectation is to assume they are incapable of change and unable to respect me and my boundaries, and that I will always have to distance myself from them just to protect myself from their toxic behavior. I'm wondering if anyone out there has any experience where they were truly able to reconcile with a toxic family member after joint therapy?
Re: Reconciliation w/ toxic family after therapy? Any hopeful experiences?
DH's situation is a little different from yours, b/c his dad has dementia, so dh knows he'll never get an apology, but he was willing to let things go b/c his dad is in declining health and he wanted to spend time with his dad....
What do you mean by "reconcile?" DH now has contact with his half-sister, his dad, and his stepmother, all who he previously cut out of his life. He came back into their lives b/c his stepmom was in the hospital, his dad needed care, and in order to care for his stepmom, he needed the consent of his half-sister (who, surprise, didn't want to be bothered with seeing her mom at the hospital).
Anyway, dh now has limited contact, and is still aware there are problems with the relationships and doesn't have high hopes. He spent 1-2 days a week with his dad while his (toxic) stepmom was hospitalized. They never spoke about the past b/c, quite frankly, FIL would not have remembered much - certainly any details. DH had to just forgive him.
On dh's side, he avoids ugly behavior b/c he avoids his stepmother. He realizes she is just a nasty person, and she is nasty to everyone. Now that she is back, he stays away from the house (and his dad). However, if he wanted to visit, he would. It's his father's home too, he can come anytime he wants.
His half-sister wants to be bff's now "one big happy family." He limits contact with her to necessary contact about his dad. It's difficult for me to watch, b/c she is always trying to rope him into a relationship, especially asking about our kids, giving us updates on her kids. Dh used to go to his other nephews' ball games, etc., and she reminds him of how he was always at other nephews events (that she never attended....but now expects dh to see her kids), and she offers to see our kids...blah blah blah.
However, I am firm with dh in telling him that I don't want our kids in contact with her - ever. So he can go see her, on his own. He does realize she is toxic, too, so he only replies to her texts when he needs to. So far, everything works, but mainly b/c he realizes that nobody is going to change. I think his half-sister is in denial that she has damaged the relationship so much. As far as I am concerned, DH can see his dad anytime he wants, but while his stepmom is there, he is not interested. The kids and I will not go while stepmom is there, but that is not the reason he stays away - he just wants to avoid the drama.
It is possible to have a relationship with toxic people. But it's not going to be like what it is you think. It's a great idea to go to therapy for you; but nothing about your therapy is going to make those people be less toxic or unpleasant than they always have been. Therapy should be designed to give YOU skills to keep you safe, make it possible for YOU to continue to enforce boundaries with them. If you attempt to explain them to themselves, or share any insights you gain from your therapy, it's not going to help, it's going to exacerbate things.
That's where I had to struggle a bit. I felt better after all this therapy (it hurt a lot at times while in it) but it was my therapy, not theirs. Don't start back up with the relationship till you're done with therapy (or with the knowledge and support of your therapist). The toxic people will sense your attempts to change, and they will be exercising a strong effort to make you change back. Their behavior may even worsen, in trying to get you back into the same old patterns where they get to be abusive and you have to sit there and take it, which is why you really need to wait to do this till you have both some skills and therapeutic support.
Good luck; I know it's hard.
Exactly.
I wish I could tell you a miraculous story but I can't. I went to therapy with my toxic sister for the beginning four months of this year. The last session we had, she screamed at me the entire time, then screamed in my therapist's face, insisting the entire session that "she was the nice one". This coming from someone who called CPS on her best friend of 15 years because she thought her house was dirty. Needless to say, they aren't friends anymore. At the end of the session, she screamed that she did not want a relationship with me.
I wish that that last statement were true. Of course, four months later, she wants back in my life. She says she did not mean what she said but of course does not want to go back to therapy and her behavior has not changed in any way. In fact, I would say that she is even more passive aggressive towards me than ever before. If my mother hadn't requested that I play nice for my wedding, we would not be speaking at all.
Expect that whomever you are dealing with will not change and just accept them for who they are and hold them at arms length. That is all you can do.
Ditto. It took me much longer than 3 months to have a "relationship" with toxic family. And by relationship, I mean something where they are in my life, but not like how I had hoped they would be. They no longer have control over how I feel or my actions, they are just kind of there. We talk, but we are not close. I think it probably took me 2-3 years of therapy to get to the point where I felt like I was still true to myself and could be around them without letting them hurt me. I still feel disappointment, but I think that will always be the case.
Thanks for the replies. In terms of 'reconciliation', my expectations are just to be able to have a 'normal' interaction with them, similar to what you might have with an acquaintance you're familiar with, but not very close to or emotionally attached to. Basically, I would be really pleased with a reduction in the amount of drama being initiated by these family members, and just the same amount of respect from them that you might expect from a stranger that accidentally bumps into with your cart at the supermarket - where the stranger is apologetic for running into you with their cart, but not emotionally attached to the incident and courteous enough where the stranger is willing to just walk away instead of dwelling on the incident and making your life a living hell.
I guess I have realistic expectations because for over 35 years, things have never been very close or emotionally supportive or loving between us, so I don't expect that aspect to change.
It's good to know I'm not setting myself or them up to fail by expecting too much or too little in this reconciliation. I realize all I can do is honor my own self respect, set and maintain my boundaries, and remove myself from the situation if their behavior continues to be disrespectful.In all seriousness, what's the point in having a relationship? I understand therapy to help you cope with the past, but what is the value in a relationship? Isn't there a point where it's just not worth it?
"In all seriousness, what's the point in having a relationship? I understand therapy to help you cope with the past, but what is the value in a relationship? Isn't there a point where it's just not worth it?"
I agree with you that at some point its not worth pursuing a relationship, and after years of therapy I'm just about there. This is my absolute final attempt at a civil relationship with my parents, and the only reason I'm even entertaining the idea is that I have a son coming in 1 month (their first and maybe only grandchild) and I am an only child myself and they have no other children. Also, I have a huge extended family that all live within 5 miles of me and it would be difficult to cut all contact with my parents without having to go into a long discussion with the rest of my family about why (no one else in the family truly knows the extent of my immediate family's dysfunction, as far as they know, we have a "perfect" family, at least that's what my parents keep telling everyone). The final push for me to try one last time was that my husband requested that I try for the sake of our child having access to his grandparents -- but I already made it clear to DH that my child will never be allowed unsupervised around my parents, and he respects that. DH has never truly experienced the destructive nature of my parents behavior firsthand, but has had to deal with the drama that always follows me home whenever I return from a solo visit with my parents.
In my situation, I feel it's worth giving it one final chance to maintain some sort of interaction with them, even if it's only occasionally and only during family gatherings, where their behavior toward me has been historically tame and reserved for the sake of appearances. During these gatherings, my parents hardly talk to me anyway, just superficial banter, and they never get into their dysfunctional behavior toward me when the rest of the family is around. It's only in private where their demons come out, and in that case I already know that their behavior toward me will never change, and I refuse to put myself alone in a room with them ever again.
I already know what to expect from them, and its likely they will treat my child (their grandchild) with the same venomous behavior that I grew up with and endured my entire life. My vow is no never allow them to treat my child the way I was treated, and if that ultimately means no contact whatsoever than I am totally prepared for that.