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I need some help/support/advice...
I've posted on here a few times. My DH and I have been separated for about 8 months. I have been bouncing back and forth on the decision to follow through with a divorce. My entire family has voiced a very strong opinion on the fact that they want me to leave him. At times, I feel as though I couldn't get divorced quick enough. Sometimes, I feel like, "God I'm so glad I never filed those papers..." I just don't understand my feelings.
Is it a dependency thing?
DH and I have been married 6 years. We have two amazing children. In the first five months of our marriage, DH and I were in counseling. DH had cheated on me via the internet (he was trying to meet up with various girls, and I'm still not sure if he succeeded). At the same time, DH was also looking up girls on match.com. DH has continued talking to girls via the internet. I found out he was talking to a girl from work on Facebook the week I got my tubes tied (earlier this year). His family was verbally abusive towards me at the beginning of our marriage - leaving vulgar messages on our phones because they never liked me and wanted us to break up. DH didn't support me. He just told me to "let it go." So....into counseling we went. Things never changed. DH's family continues their abusive behavior, and DH always tells me "let it go" or "why do you let it bother you." He never supports me.
However, and this is the part that really makes me mad, DH has shown abuse towards our son. DH has been in counseling for his anger, but he definitely has an issue with our son. Every time me, my Mom, or my Aunt has tried to step in and defend my child by saying, "you can't talk to a child like that" or "don't treat him that way," DH flies off the handle at my family. He has thrown my Aunt out of our house, cussed my Mom out, etc.
He can show anger towards my family when he feels threatened, but when his family is abusive towards me, he says, "let it go."
My feelings right now are back and forth because since DH has been in counseling he has shown improvement with his anger. I think a part of me reads posts on "Trouble in Paradise" and some on this board, too, and I wonder if I should stick around to give my support as a wife. Should I wait and see if the counseling is working? Isn't that my job as a spouse - to be supportive and work through every avenue before seeking out a divorce?
Or is it already too late?
I'm in counseling, too. I know many of you will probably suggest that. I have a lot of issues that I'm sorting out. In addition to all of this, my own father has refused to have a relationship with me (or my brother) since he and my Mom divorced over 10 years ago. I've never dealt with that. I think all of the emotional turmoil from that is affecting my decision here, as well. He doesn't even know I have children. It's very hard on me.
Re: I need some help/support/advice...
omfvckingg, it is too late.
Seriously?
You must have MAJOR self-esteem issues?
I don't understand you.
Leave this assswad.
Honestly, it's time to leave. Verbal abuse toward you sucks and should never happen. Now it's starting to show toward your son? He needs to get out.
My ex had several inappropriate relationships via the internet and email and Facebook with old "friends." When I'd ask him about them, he'd say they weren't meant for me to see and then he'd start telling me how I was crazy and paranoid and on and on until I started to feel like maybe he was right and it was ok for him to be communicating in this way with other women. Guess what? 8 years into our marriage, I found out he was having an actual affair. He denied it all and started in the the "you are crazy" tirade. For some reason that time I didn't let it go. He said he wanted a divorce because he couldn't be married to someone who didn't trust him. That hurt me more than anything, but I knew I wasn't crazy and that his relationship this this girl was not right. Glad I listened to my gut ... they live together now. He wanted to keep the comforts of my financial support, but didn't want to deal with any "hard" relationship issues ... like, say, communicating in a productive way with his wife.
My son was 3 when this all happened. It was hard, but he is doing great! Your children will get through it with your support. Focus your energy there and get out of your abusive marriage.
Your "job" as a spouse comes second to your job as a mother. Your job as a mother is to protect your son and keep him away from ANYONE who has been abusive to him. Your son deserves better, even if you don't believe you do (which you do).
Leave. At this point this man should be working on his anger in order to EARN the right to see his child, not to keep his wife, because you should already be gone.
I suggest finding a therapist and a lawyer.
I underlined and highlighted what stood out to me.
First of all, I'm sure he HAS and IS cheating on you. No questions there. Get tested for STD's ASAP.
He is being abusive towards your son and yet you are staying. This makes me incredibly angry at him AND at you. What kind of a mother does not protect their child? You need to leave, him sooner rather than later. I honestly wish your family members would call CPS you YOU for being so spineless as to consider staying with someone who treats your child that way.
I'm glad you are in counseling because it sounds like you have tons of issues. honestly, this may sound harsh but if you can't get your shiit together enough to realize that you're staying in a situation that is detrimental to your children, maybe you don't deserve to have them.
Get out now. Stop wondering if it can be saved, because it cannot. And you're teetering on the verge of insanity if you think his behavior is going to change.
Actually, I am protecting my children as best I can right now. I got a PFA on DH back in March after a situation at my son's birthday party (long story). My children are never alone with DH anymore. DH use to watch them during the day (he works nights), but they now go to full time daycare, which is a huge expense, but I found a way to afford it. Both of my children want to be with DH all the time and they constantly ask for him, which utterly confuses me. DH says his "counseling is working." If he treats them so badly, why do they always want to be with him? I don't care, he will not be alone with them.
My guess would be because they also are buying into the cycle and patterns of abuse. I'm not a counselor (I would run this question by yours) but I would venture to guess that they're looking for any love/validation from him that they can get. Like you, they will cling to the best moments when he gives them love and affection. People who are abused are like starving people looking for a crumb of food. Once in awhile the abuser throws them a crumb and it tastes like decadent chocolate cake.
I still stand by my original position: get the fvck out like yesterday.
You really need to educate yourself about domestic violence. If you really want to do what is best for your children, do NOT get back with your H (the D stands for dear and this man is NOT dear). He SAYS the counseling is working? Do you have any proof? Also, most men CAN change, but NOT with the person they were originally with. The pattern of abuse has already been set and they KNOW they can get away with it. They are more likely to slip up because they know they can.
If counseling DOES work, good, maybe one day he can repair his relationship with his children, but it is way too late for this marriage.
Also, ask yourself why it took so long for him to GO to counseling? Was it because you left? Is this just to win you back? Because it won't stick unless he is doing it for him, not you. You can't change for other people, you have to want to change. You really need to bring up with you why you feel the need to stay with someone who treated not only you, but also your children so poorly.
Hai.
Sooo... you probably shouldn't be married to a guy you can't leave your kids alone with, right?
Do you see the insanity in this situation? You're wondering if you should "work it out" with a guy you CANNOT TRUST YOUR CHILDREN WITH?
Do you hear what you're saying?
I am so sad for you right now because it's obvious that you are completely delusional and do not know which way is up, much less which way is out.
PLEASE LEAVE HIM. File divorce papers. Move out. Move away. Stay in counseling.
Um, don't you have a boyfriend?
Ditto achase and onlyafool. I'm guessing your kids want to spend time with their dad not because he's a wonderful father and they enjoy it, but because they are desperate for his affection.
Are you in individual counseling? Because you really need it, and so do your kids.
Regardless if there will be a reconciliation between you and your dh, you need to protect yourself and children from abuse and violence (It is never okay to give or get abuse). Maybe try living separately like ASAP and see if your dh will "wake-up" or not while living apart before heading towards divorce if that is what you are trying to avoid. He may or may not change but just he returning to you is not enough. He will need to make some serious life changes and will require a lot of therapy and time. He will need a long time to change; this can take a good few years if you are willing to wait that long because no one can change genuinely overnight.
I am glad you are going to counseling. It is almost seems like you are tying your past to your present life and trying to make the connection. I lived a lifetime of violence and it was all I knew. I finally woke up after many failed relationships and finding out that I was enabling violence. I go to weekly therapy now just to learn how to love and respect myself again. It was like I was in a bubble that finally popped.
I think you need to take a step back and objectively ask yourself what it would take for you to leave. What more do you need to be convinced it can't be fixed and to feel ok walking away. So far you've said he tried to cheat on you and maybe cheated on you, was verbally abusive to your family, is abusive to your child, and allows his family to verbally abuse you. Even if those problems could be fixed (which I doubt) it would take forever for him to become the husband you deserve. And as someone who works with domestic violence victims, I can tell you that ALL of the research shows that people who commit acts of abuse towards family member are 99% likely to do it again regardless of whether or not they get counseling. Those are the statistics for physical abuse, but I personally have serious doubts from working with a whole lot of people that anyone who is verbally abusive to the point you are describing can be fixed. If you need more time to come to that conclusion yourself and feel comfortable with it, that's fine, just be sure and take precautions to keep yourself and your son safe in the meantime.
I guess my question for you is, do you think your doubts come from some kind of self confidence issue.....you don't feel that you deserve better? Do you feel that if you had tried harder you could fix him? Or do they come from a fear of having to admit he was not the person you had thought and hoped he was? Because in the end those are all good things for you to work on in therapy. And if the doubts fall under those categories they are really symptomatic of his failings and your good qualities. He is the one who put you through these things, he is the one who was such a horrible partner, and you're the one who still wanted to see the best in him and support him. I hope therapy helps you find some clarity and confidence in your decision.
Well, why do you? It's probably the same answer.
I'd love to know which posts on SO and TIP you're reading - because whenever someone posts about being in a marriage where there's infidelity and/or abuse, the prevailing response is DTMFA, not "you owe it to your marriage to keep trying".
Get out and go to a safe place. File for divorce. You don't owe it to your H to keep trying--6 years is long enough. Read up on the cycle of abuse to find out the answer as to why you and your children are vying for his love and affection.
It's your job as a mother to protect your children. Why would you stay married to someone who you can't leave alone with them?
I'd start looking for another counselor...this one isn't doing anything for you.
I agree with all PP's - you need to divorce his sorry azz now! & you need to gain some self esteem and value yourself a lot more! & the SECOND he turns on your kid .. all bets should've been off.... I respect the fact that you took your vows seriously and don't want to just walk away, but marraige vows don't say anything about staying in the marraige when the spouse becomes abusive to your kid. Leave him!!!!!
Your obligation to your son is bigger than your obligation to your H. Your job is to PROTECT your son, not hang around someone who is angry and abusive towards him. If you stay, you are just as much of a low-life as your H is, and there will be a time when your son realizes that his dad mistreated him and you JUST STOOD THERE AND ALLOWED it to continue, and he will hate you, too.
Is that what you want, 20+ years down the road? If you want to be stuck with your H and no relationship with your son, then continue on your present course, because what I am describing WILL happen.
If you go through with the divorce of your H, and he turns his life around, you can always re-marry him.
I think YOU are the person who needs therapy. Are you so desperaste to be with a man that you take such terrible treatment? And allow the same for your son?
Base every decision on "what is best for my child?"
there is your answer.
divorce and start fresh with the man you love (your little boy)