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Worn down.....
My DH and I have been together for 10 years and during this time my MIL and done ridiculously mean things to me and caused drama at every turn, after being told for years to knock it off and never doing it, we decided to sever contact with her. My MIL is very childish, if she doesn't like you she wants to get as many people as she can to not like you either and she will go about this any way possible, her main tool being lying. My MIL told my FIL a lie about me, she told him my husband tried to leave me and I held him at gun point, WHICH NEVER HAPPENED, and so he then proceeded to tell his side of the family this BS lie and now they think this actually happened. She knew that more than likely they would not believe her ( my FILs family doesn't really care much for my MIL) so she told him and for some STUPID reason he takes every thing she says as truth, we have even offered to show him proof that she was lying and he refused to look at it, anyway he went and told his side of the family and now they all think I am some crazy psycho who is forcing my husband to be with me. I don't want to be around any of his family, I have some of them on my FB, some of them act decent towards me but I can't help but wonder what they are all really thinking.
I am getting worn down, I am so tired of having to deal with this crap, my husband has done all that he can, he has asked them to stop talking about his wife, we don't see his parents, he talks to his dad every now and then, he doesn't talk to his mom at all but STILL they keep going and running me down to anyone in his family that will listen. A part of me wants to send a mass e-mail saying she and therefor he is full of it and they shouldn't believe a word his dad says either because he is just a puppet for her but realistically I would never do that.
Bottom line is l am tired, I am tired of caring who in his family hates me, they don't even know me they just know what my IL's have concocted and told everyone. I don't even know what my husband could do about all of this, some of the family is relatives he hasn't even talked to for years but we know that they were told these things just by other family. How do I stop caring? Should we attempt to set the record straight with his family or just let it go? How should we address rumors that have been spread about us or me? Anyone?
Re: Worn down.....
If the rest of the family is willing to believe a ridiculous lie about you, then why on earth do you are about being friends with them? You are better off without people like that in your life. Be glad that your husband supports you and does not expect you to come into contact with such toxic people.
It will please MIL to no end if she sees you trying desperately to convince the family to like you. MIL wants nothing more than to torture you, so don't give her that satisfaction. Keep your mouth shut, and do not address this via e-mail or Facebook or texts - if someone wants to discuss it, then discuss it in person if they contact you to talk about it. Calmly and simply say, "No, none of that is true and we have no idea why MIL would make it up" - don't provide explanations or proof, don't badmouth MIL, don't fall all over yourself to explain. "It's not true" is explanation enough.
Sorry that she's spreading these lies about you, but the absolute best thing to do is just lay low and stay out of it. If people are gullible enough to believe this crazy gunpoint story of hers, then there's nothing you can do to convince them otherwise. People as stupid as that will only believe juicy gossip, not reasonable facts. Just because you're all related by marriage or blood doesn't mean that you have to be friends, or even like/respect each other. It's a shame that they've chosen to be such low people to you, but remember that they CHOSE this - and therefore it's not your responsibility to try and fix this. THEY caused this mess, so THEY can either fix or lose contact with you, your H and any children you may have.
actually i just had another thought.
are you in contact wtih any other of his family members? do you see/talk to them frequently? i ask this wondering if they actually believe MIL or not. If they know you and how you are and DH then I dont' know if her telling people lies would even be an issue as they know you and know DH. Did that make sense?
If you don't want a relationship with dh's extended family, then you don't need to care what they think.
If you DO want a relationship with FILs family, then your H needs to be proactive in contacting them, having some kind of rapport with them (facebook, texting cousins, holiday cards).
If he has a relationship with them, it's going to be hard for MIL/FIL to convince them of MILs lies, because your H can tell them the truth and they can see that you and H are not psycho (like MIL is). The stronger your relationship with FILs extended family is, they more they will see the real you and not judge you based on gossip.
Remember, you can't control what MIL says or does. You can only control your actions and H can control his own. I would say....if your FIL spreads lies and gossip about you, even if he didn't originate the story, he should be cut off as well. After all, your H denied these events happened - is your FIL calling his son a liar? Would you have a relationship with someone you think is a liar?
More than likely they would not believe my MIL on some things, that is why she puts my FIL up to calling them because they will believe him. My MIL tried to turn us cutting her out of our lives as us cutting that side of the family out of our lives, my DH even had to tell her no its not everyone, its JUST YOU, and she does that because it makes her feel like its less about her specifically. My FIL has to sneak around to talk to my DH because she does not want FIL talking to DH because he doesn't want anything to do with her. We have two children and my FIL wanted to see them, so my DH went and met him, I voluntarily stayed home, my FIL was not going to tell my MIL that he met him but she called while they were out and he got his a$$ handed to him for that.
The extended family accepts our children and DH, and they are not mean to me, but because of all the lies she's told them I don't think they like me. We don't really have a relationship with any of them outside of special occasions and holidays and as you can imagine I don't want to go to those, who would knowing what has been said. None of the extended family knows me very well, I have talked to some in passing but none of them know me outside of an acquaintanceship. I don't know why I care, but I do. I feel like she stole from me, the family I was supposed to gain when I married she took it away because she don't like me.
You need to realize that your FIL has a choice. And that choices have consequences. You also need to realize that you can only control your OWN actions, not the actions of your in-laws.
FIL knows that your MIL, but FIL chooses to support her anyway. If MIL chews out FIL for talking to you and your H, then that is not your problem. If FIL chooses to stay with MIL instead of divorcing her, then that is not your problem. If it really bothers you that FIL has to sneak around to see you guys and that he spreads rumors about you at MIL's request, then you need to have a frank talk with your husband and tell him this. Then your H needs to decide if his father can stay in your lives. Right now, all FIL is learning is that he just needs to stay in the middle and everyone will be "happy." Him constantly taking MIL's side, but saying behind her back that he supports you, doesn't work ... him being kind to you but turning around to trash you to the family is not "support," it's cowardice. He needs to pick a side and stay on it.
I don't get why you think that they don't like you. Have they said unkind things to you? It sounds like they invite you to thinks and don't do anything mean to you, so I don't get why you think they don't like you. I get along great with my extended in-laws and I like them a lot, but I don't see them outside of family gatherings and I don't consider them to be my close friends, and I'm sure they feel the same about me. It doesn't mean that we don't like each other.
You don't have to be someone's buddy just because you're a family member. If they treat you nicely then that's all you can really ask for. This doesn't sound like a case of them being your best friends if not for MIL. If someone is nice to you but doesn't take it beyond that, it doesn't mean that they hate you. Stop taking it so personally.
It is hard to explain, but I can feel it. We haven't been invited to anyone's anything in quite some time, holidays are usually held at MILs house, last year we didn't go and probably won't go this year either. I invited his family to our daughters birthday party, a few of DHs cousins and Aunts came, no they were not rude to me however just the way they act around me I can tell something is off, I can't explain it, but I feel it.
How does your H feel about all this? Is he also getting a bad feeling from them?
I'm inclined to say that, since they are inviting you to events and they're attending your events and they're being kind to you, that this may just be a case of you being self-conscious about the whole situation.
Of course, I'm not there with you so I can't say that you're definitely being unreasonable, but I just don't get why they wouldn't simply avoid you all together if they truly didn't like you. Or why they would be nice to you if they didn't like you.
Bottom line, though ... you don't have to spend time around people that make you uncomfortable. Even if they're family. Yes, we'd all like that ideal Happy Family, but that's not always the case. And that's O.K. Most people don't have a completely loving, drama-free family. Many people consider friends to be their "real family." Surround yourself with people who love and respect you, and forget about those who don't. It's their loss if they decide to be toxic. But you're going to make yourself sick if you keep pining away for something that just isn't going to happen.
And how does your H feel about all this? It's his family, after all. If he's O.K. with cutting certain people out of his life, then try to follow his lead. How about your own family, are they good to you?
I'm sorry but if your FIL is willingly going along with her games and spreading lies about you why on Earth is your husband still in contact with FIL? He is telling lies about you, he is perpetrating your MIL's insanity and campaign against you so why shouldn't he be cut out of your lives with her?
If someone in H's family or mine were acting like your MIL and FIL, they would not be seeing me, him or our daughter until they apologized, set the record straight and proved to us it would not happen again.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
His family acts around me how I would act around someone I am not comfortable with. I am not rude, but that doesn't mean I like them. He knows his mom has ran me down to anyone that will listen, and he feels like we don't see them enough to care about what they think.
He has a few family members that he is really close with, one of which has told us that my MIL and FIL has been saying these things. These family members are just trying to stay out of it which I can't blame them for. We did ask them that should they hear any of these BS rumors to please let them know its not true.
DH doesn't care for the most part, so why do I? I don't want to care, how can I stop? What makes someone not care?
My family is very good to us, we spend most of the holidays with them.
His family acts around me how I would act around someone I am not comfortable with.
O.K., but that's how YOU would act. Just because you act a certain way around people you're not comfortable with doesn't mean that everyone else automatically does the same thing. You can't compare everyone else to your own personal standards or personality traits.
And even if they ARE uncomfortable, so what? That doesn't mean that they don't like you. I can sit and have a pleasant chat with some of MH's relatives (and some of my own relatives, and hell, some of our friends), but sometimes it's a bit "forced" because we're not best buddies. It doesn't mean that we dislike each other or that our lack of closeness is because of a bunch of rumors.
Again, I can't say that you're wrong because I'm not there with you, but I'm getting the feeling that you're looking for a reason to keep feeling bad about this whole situation. I totally get why MIL has hurt you, but the other relatives seem to support you so I don't get why you think they dislike you or buy into MIL's rumors or that MIL has somehow cheated you out of a relationship with them. You see them for family gatherings and they're nice to you ... what more do you want? If they believed your MIL then they would refuse to be around you, or they'd invite you to places to see your H and kid but they'd be nasty to you. And they're not, right?
Not everyone is going to be your friend, and most of the time it's nothing personal. Sometimes people's personalities just don't click. It's a fact of life. It's not your MIL's fault if people are nice to you but don't really want to be close friends.
Your h needs to cut his father off as well. If he is listening to HER and repeating the things she says then he is just as bad and guilty as she is.
If he stops talking to both of them you wont have to hear what she is saying about you!!!
How nice the man who spread the ugly lie does not pay a price! He gets to see his son and grandchildren. He could have had some decency and told his wife he would not be spreading the gossip/airing dirty laundry, but instead he caused this lie to have wings. He is a POS. What is it going to take for him to stop it and he is the only one who can pick up the phone and tell his family his wife is a lying witch. Does he need a polygraph?
I'm sorry your DH does not cut him from his life until he fixes this and gives you the peace you deserve. There is no magic pill or answer to make you feel better, but if you think ALL his family is jacked up then their opinion/thoughts should carry no weight.
This.
I was wondering the exact same thing. You know the man is spreading the lies (bewitched by his wife or not) and you still want to stay in contact with him? Make a stand to him too. If he doesn't stop - then you won't be seeing him either. He is just as guilty here, and not by simple association - he's INVOLVED! Cut this toxic family out of your life. If the guy is spreading the crap to make his own life easier at home with her than he clearly is more concerned with himself than his own son. Why do you feel sorry for him? He made his choice.
So sorry to hear about your troubles. I cannot imagine how your H feels about all of this. Good luck. Remind each other that the two of you are a family and each others' happiness is all that matters. GL
i wonder if they feel awkward because of how she treats you and talks about you NOT that they don't like you.
It could be that they are uncomfortable and just feel like being around you is getting involved in the drama. NOT that they don't like you or feel it is your fault, but that they know if it gets back to MIL that you were with them she will explode. It's like seeing you is a reminder of bsc MIL, even when she is not there!
I would continue seeing the family members you/H enjoy and only see the rest at big events.
This is a terrible situation. :-(
I would try not to read too much into what they might or might now be thinking. You are not a mind reader so please stop trying to be. Yes, they might be uncomfortable but like PPs mentioned, that doesn't necessarily mean that don't like you. My husband's grandparents are wonderful people but they aren't the best conversationalists. When I talk to them I feel awkard but I absolutely do like and love them. Besides they might just be uncomfortable about the whole family situation and your MIL's past behavior. Again, that doesn't mean they don't like you. Do you think it is possible that you too are putting out a wierd awkward vibe because of what your MIL has said and they they are picking up on that too. Do you think that it is possible that everyone in the situation doesn't have a problem with anyone else, but is too worried about what the other is thinking ?
I would keep inviting them to family events and be polite and hospitiable. If they ever do bring up what your MIL has said I would just laugh it off. I imagine that they don't take what she says seriously even though it is coming from your FIL's mouth. They have to know she is a crazy old bat.
So after reading some of the replies I started thinking they are right, my FIL is doing the same thing she is with no consequences, so I talked to DH and told him his dad has no business repeating lies about me he heard from my MIL to other family, my DH said he would handle it. I didn't think he would do it right then but he did, he called FIL and told him basically your repeating lies you heard from my wife, stop it, to which basically his reply was I have helped a lot of my family and they are all jerks and if I say things to my family I don't want to hear anything about it, also he was pissed it made its way back to me, so he thinks that just because he has helped people out it entitles him to do what he wants.....that was not ok with me or DH, my DH told him look, this is a problem, you are upsetting my wife, none of that stuff ever happened, stop repeating lies, you want us to start coming around again then spreading lies about my wife doesn't make her want to come around, and to my disbelief, my FIL apologized....ill say it again because I still don't even really believe it....he apologized. I do not think I have EVER heard him apologize for anything...ever....he feels like he is 63 and he can do anything he damn well wants and really doesn't care who he offends, but he did apologize to me which is just between DH, myself and him because if MIL ever found out he apologized to me, she might leave him over that, he is not allowed to talk to me much less apologize.
I know he wants to see his son, and his grandkids and that is why he wants me to just deal with MILs abuse because he is not allowed to unless we make amends with her, he don't understand why he can tolerate it but we can't. He made the effort and did apologize, and I know he would not of done that if he didn't care about at least DH and our kids, I know he misses seeing them, he and DH have always had a close relationship and out of all his family I know he is the closest to his son, but I just don't think I have it in me to throw myself back into the snake pit so that he can come around again. I told my MIL once that she does not have to have a relationship with me to see our kids and DH ( the back story on this is I over heard her saying to FIL that she has to tolerate me ), he can take the kids and go over there and visit and I can stay home, her reply was its all or nothing....well.... we choose nothing. She isn't going to force me to tolerate her. I don't know what to do at this point, I do want DH and our children to have a relationship with his dad, but I don't think I have it in me to tolerate her abuse again.
Thank you ladies for your replies and advice, ya'll are like the mirrors of truth, sometimes its hard to hear, but a lot of times the truth is. Thank you again:)
So, your MIL has completely succeded in making you completely unhinged simply by spreading one whopper lie about you.
She's good. She's very, very good.
And you fell for it.
This is not the first lie by far, she has told a lot of lies about me, but this lie has me playing the part of a homicidal psycho, and my husband being the victim. It upset me because my MIL told my FIL this and he was spreading this lie, the family probably wouldn't have believed her ( most of them don't like her much) but they will believe him and she knows that. To me this lie was more hurtful than the others.
Just make sure that your FIL actually follows through with his promise to stop spreading the lies, before you allow your kids to see him again.
I am glad he apologized but part of asking for forgiveness is repairing the damage that you caused. You should tell him that he needs to go to those family members and tell them that he lied. If he doesn't than he probably isn't truly sorry for what he did and only apologized to appease you two.