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how to handle the guilt
my husband and i are separated. i was the one who instigated it because i feel like i become lost in the marriage, like my personal hopes, dreams, and aspirations just fade away. there was also physical abuse early in the marriage (but not before--where the hell were all the red flags during six years of dating?!?), and i have to wonder if that's how abuse works (i.e., if victims of abuse lose part of their identity because of how dehumanizing it is). does any of this make sense?
so, while we have have not officially proceeded with divorce, i do have an attorney and know it is in my best interest to sever ties. i just need to know what to do with the guilt. guilt over breaking vows, ending a marriage, allowing myself to end up in this situation, and guilt over hurting him. the whole marriage wasn't bad. there were a lot of very happy times, a lot of laughter, a lot of love, but in the end, it wasn't enough. support or advice greatly appreciated. thanks in advance.
Re: how to handle the guilt
I am in a very similar situation, I asked my husband to leave after our DD had a very serious accident in our home. It took her accident for me to realize just how unhappy I was and just how abusive he really was. I always told people that he never hit me but I was always afraid that he would, as he forced me to have sex with him on several occasions and would frequently hit walls or break things when he was angery. I am seeing a lawyer for the first time tomorrow. The thing that helps me with the guilt of breaking up my family is that I see a counselor regularly and I have a very supportive family that did not push for me to make the decision to leave but let me know that they stood behind me every step of the way no matter what I decided to do. Just keep faith and keep telling yourself that you are saving your life as violence always escalates and he will not change.,
I was in a very similar situation when I decided to leave my husband. The relationship wasn't horrible, but it was emotionally abusive, he was an addict, and made me feel guilty for doing anything I wanted to do. I felt guilty for leaving, but then again he always made me feel guilty for everything, so I finally just grew a set and said "This is what I want because I'm not happy and I'm going to be, so there."
You will get over the guilt. You shouldn't even feel guilty at all, but I understand where you do. You have to take on the mindset that you are the ruler of YOUR life and you need to make YOU happy. If you're not happy in a crappy marriage, then move on and do it. Find happiness. You deserve that. You do for you. No one else can feel what you're feeling, because they're not you. No one else can look out for your best interest, only you can. Do what you need to do to make YOU happy. At some point, it's okay to be selfish, because you need to take care of your self.
It's kind of corny, but man is it the truth. You will be okay, good luck to you.
I agree with this. I was going to respond with some things my therapist told me when I was feeling my guilt for leaving, but my XH never abused me. So I would like to say, You shouldn't feel guilty, but as julie324 said, it's easier for me to say that than for you to do it.
But in all reality, you do need to take care of YOURSELF, like pbear said, and making sure you're safe and healthy (physically and emotionally) is the right thing to do, and you don't need to apologize for it. You know?