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No kids yet...
DH and I have been married 5 months and I only have babies on the brain for one reason... other people want me to. That and I kind of feel left out. DH and I are stuck in the middle. We don't fit with our single friends so much and our married friends are swamped with kid stuff.
I never really wanted kids. But DH is certain he wants two. I'm terrified that because I'll be 'the mom' that 99% of the kid stuff will fall on me, and I already take care of the house and work a FT job.
I'm getting to the point that I am ready to be ready in May... when we actually start TTC. Does that make sense?
It seems most of you ladies have children, so I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone had similar first baby fears?
PS: I'm terrified of being pregnant. The whole thing creeps me out.
Re: No kids yet...
May I ask: Why the rush? Why do you feel you have to TTC five months from now? Why not wait until you feel (more) ready?
I'm 6 months shy of 33, DH is a little past 34 and we've been married for almost six years - - and TTC isn't even on the radar for us. We simply aren't ready. We know we will never be 100% ready, but there are certain things we want to do/see/accomplish before adding another life to the mix. Of course, we are aware that waiting to TTC could make it harder, if not impossible . . . but that is a risk we are willing to take for the sake of our sanity, happiness and health of our relationship.
Do we feel pressure from family? Sure - sometimes, but most of them know how we feel and understand how personal a decision it is and they respect that.
Do we feel slightly disconnected from friends? Eh, not really. Our closest friends are also childless and those that have children aren't obsessive about them so we are still quite able to relate and enjoy time with them. And those that are sometimes slightly obsessive . . . we love them anyhow - and adore their children. Heck, kids are pretty great, so I can't really fault a parent for being gah-gah for their own!
If you are feeling overwhelmed by simply the THOUGHT of children, then good god, WAIT. Unless there is some medical necessity (and perhaps even if there is!) wait wait wait until you feel more prepared. Enjoy married life, enjoy having time with your husband, having time to sleep, to travel, to spend, to drink . . . Enjoy your life as it is and stop worrying about what other people expect/want/do.
I think you should definitely wait until you are absolutely certain that you are ready. It sounds like there are some things you need to work out... feeling left out is definitely not a reason to have a baby. And your husband and the housework...what's up with that? Do you really like doing all the cleaning or he just won't help? Are you okay with this arrangement?
There are just red flags all over this post, and I think you need to definitely rethink bring ready to be ready in May! Having a child is awesome and rewarding, but it is hard work.
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Ditto razamataz.
Andy and I are both about to turn 35, have been married for 3.5 years, and are prepared financially for kids. We're not trying yet because it's not the right time for several reasons.
There's no need to rush. Family/friends putting pressure on you is not a good reason to become a parent. Having kids just to feel like you fit in with your friends who are parents is not a great idea. YOU TWO will be raising any children you have, so YOU TWO get to decide when you're ready to take on raising kids. To me, it sounds like you're not ready.
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Ditto razmatazz, word for word (except we've been married 5 years, not 6).
We don't want to have kids until we know we're ready. We're just not there yet. Frankly, we're not sure we even want them, period. The fact that everybody and their brother wants us to pop out a kid doesn't make us any more ready or make us magically want them.
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Ditto what all pp have said. DH and were ready to have kids when I got pregnant, but despite being 'ready' we still felt unprepared and overwhelmed at times. We are also the first of our friends to have a baby, so we are also needing to find our place among our single/married/child-free friends. However we choose to have a baby because we were ready so we are okay being left out at times due to having our son.
I would definitely not TTC if you aren't ready because kids are not easy and require a change in your lifestyle to some extent. And about pregnancy being scary and creepy, parts of it are. I think it's kind of normal to feel that way, and I would suggest reading some books prior to getting pregnant so you know what you are getting into!
We've been married over 5 years and kids aren't even on our radar. People constantly ask us and have since the day we got married. It's nobody's business but your's and I think you should decide to have children on your own timeline. If you're not comfortable with the idea right now, your husband should know that and you guys need to come to an agreement of when is right for both of you.
I have NO desire to be pregnant, probably ever. My husband's doing the whole med school route, and I like to focus on my career and have other hobbies and interests. I'm also well into my 30s. I think bringing a child into this world is something that you should really want to do and be ready for. I always say that I want to be able to give 1000% of myself to my child as that's what they deserve. I'm not ready to do taht and neither is my hubby, so we know that having a child right now isn't something we should be trying for.
So you're definitely not alone. Not at all.
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Ditto what everyone else said. I would maybe take more time to focus on being newlyweds before adding kids to the mix because it certainly does make things more hectic.
I never really wanted kids either. My dh wanted them but was ok if we didn't have kids if I didn't feel like I wanted them. And we loved our dogs like our kids:) I can tell you honestly that when I was pregnant I wasn't even 100% certain how this parenting thing would go and if it would be for me. I think I had a lot of the first baby fears that you had. When I got pregnant, I was definitely more open to having kids though than I was in the past but the idea of it was still really scary, if that makes any sense. Pre-kids, I was super career-focused and loved our freedom. Fast forward to now and I can't imagine not being a mom. I love it so much! I stay home with our dd and love every minute of it. I work a job occasionally on the weekends and do some work from home to make up for part of the lost income with me staying home. I would do whatever I needed to, including working a night shift, so I could stay home with my daughter during the day. It is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. It's hard to even put into words. I really wish we would have started our family sooner. I don't think you mentioned how old you were? I know people are starting families later in life and you shouldn't rush having kids just because of your age but on the other hand I think people also have a false sense of being able to wait until later into your 30s to start a family. Being pregnant with my 2nd child and being 35yo aka "advanced maternal age" it's kind of scary all the statistics they throw at you vs. the first time around when I was pregnant with my daughter at 33. I wish we had started earlier because I'd love to have 3 or 4 kids now but not sure it's in the cards for us because of my age. Like you, I was also really terrified of being pregnant. I hate throwing up and was so scared of being sick the whole pregnancy. So far, both of my pregnancies have been awesome. I haven't been sick at all, mostly just tired during the 1st trimester. After having my daughter though, I would be sick every day of the pregnancy to have her at the end. It would be totally worth it. Good luck with your decision.
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You all have made excellent points. Dh and I talked about it last night as well and he wants to put it off just a little further too. So we would TTC late next year and then the baby wouldn't arrive until 2013 anyway. I think that's plenty of time.
I would definitely not TTC because my family is pushing me. The left out feeling happens mostly when I am home.
DH has never had to do housework. But he has gotten tons better since we purchased our house this year. I am a slight control freak on certain things like the kitchen/bathroom cleaning, so I just do them.
DH is 30 and I am 27, so I know we have plenty of time, but I am fearful of the horror stories about TTC in your later 30's.
I'm pregnant right now.
I'm going to be completely honest: we were not ready for children yet. Like at all. We weren't planning on starting to TTC until next year. Lo and behold I've had a few freak outs and the holy-crap-I'm-not-ready-for-kids-yet crying fests a few times. I've come to realize that for us, TTCing in 6 months versus when I got the BFP is a short time in the grand scheme of things.
Being pregnant for me is not fun. I've had morning sickness since 5 weeks - I'm still puking, I'm still on anti-nausea drugs, it's just not that great. Last night I puked just before we had the first trick or treaters. There's women that love being pregnant and there's women that are pregnant for the end result. It's like an alien has taken over my body.
Now, with all that being said above with complete honesty - we are so excited for this baby and we can't wait until March to meet our LO. We are extremely grateful for this pregnancy because we have friends that have been trying for years and are undergoing fertility treatments. The closer that my due date approaches, the more excited we get and the happier we are.
I hope this helps. I'd rather be honest than say pregnancy and impending parenthood is all puppies and rainbows for us.
To throw another side out there...
We started "talking" about kids about the moment we got married, and it started with "we don't want any" progressed to "one would be fine", and now that we have one we're pretty much one and done (I say pretty much because some days i have pangs for another). We talked about it for 2 years before we tried, and it was going on our 3 year wedding anniversary when we had our son.
I'm not a pregnant person, its not pretty, I didn't touch my belly, I didn't let others touch my belly, it was a means to an end, and if I could do it over again I would have probably paid a surrogate to do it, I didn't enjoy being pregnant.at.all!!! That's what's probably more than anything holding us back from #2, that and we're "thinkers" and we know that there'd be a huge financial increase just in daycare and we're not sure we want to throw more money to that, but not in a place for me to be full time in my dream job.
With all that said having a kid was a natural progression for us. There was not MEGA change for us, it was just like "he's here, lets go", he was always a well behaved, and mild baby so there really wasn't much work, and he's just fit in so well to our very active lives that it was perfect for us.
We did start talking about it because I knew I didn't want to be an old mom. I wanted to grow up with my kids not grow old with them. I'd probably have done it younger than when I did (29) but that's the way the cards fell and I don't regret it
I think the other thing holding us back from #2 is because I had a hard set rule "no kids after 30".
That's where I am sitting too, the whole thought with extra oomf on the bold.
I have zero desire to be pregnant and would have no qualms about a surrogate if we could afford it. but I'm sure DH would be dead against it. Oh well... I guess it's part of the experience.
And also, little kids terrify me. I might break them. But I am completely ok with the idea of kids 3 and up. So I think my lack of experience and knowledge also put a damper on wanting kids.