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XP- Ugh, need to vent. (sorry it's long)
My H and I are getting a divorce. We've been officially separated since the middle of September and I'm moving to my parents house this weekend.
This shiit sucks, badly! We have known each other for 13 years, dated in college, broke up, stayed friendly, I dated a guy for 4 years, broke it of and H and I started dating. We were married Oct 13, 2007 and things were great for a while. But we always had arguments and other things happened that made our relationship very strained.
We had a
lot of fun together, great sex life, and when it was good it was great
but we definitely butted heads a lot.We are very similar emotionally so
that wasn't a good thing.
I know this divorce is for the best
but it is so damn hard! I still love him a lot and wanted to work on
improving our communication through counseling but he wasn't interested.
I have been working on myself for years, been seeing a IC for 3 years
but he would just never put forth the effort to work on himself. Being
Catholic and married in the church I just feel like you should work it
out, for better or worse.
One of the best/worst parts is that we were TTC for years, did IVF and suffered 2 Ectopic pregnancies. I am a cancer survivor and had to have my tubes removed due to the EP's and scar tissue. We currently have 8 frozen embryos that are already fertilized. So the bad part is we are going to have to decide what to do with those but I guess the good thing is we don't have kids that would be involved in this divorce. It's bad enough we have to separate our dogs and work out some kind of visitation.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not really happy that we never had children, I'm actually pretty
devastated to be almost 31 with no children but I guess things happen
for a reason.
I am just really struggling right now. I'm already on anti depressants for anxiety since I had cancer but I'm all over the place with my feelings about this. He has already moved on and is dating some girl that he claims he's in love with. (I heard him say I love you to her a few times over the phone). That alone speaks volumes on the kind of man he is and that is not lost on me, at all.
For any of you that have gone through a divorce, how did you cope? I know for me, being back with my parents will help a lot. They are amazing and make me feel safe. I just don't know what to do with the anger, sadness, and roller coaster of emotions I'm dealing with right now. I know getting out of our house is the first step. We've been in separate room since September but having to see him and knowing he's moved on it so hard!
Thanks for reading all this if you got this far!
I posted this on ML first but think I belong over here now.
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Re: XP- Ugh, need to vent. (sorry it's long)
First of all, I am really sorry that you're going through this, everything including the IF, because that is difficult in itself. There is really no magic way of dealing with it all except to just do it. I recommend counseling and reading up on relationships that are ending. That can definitely be therapeutic. Try to do something nice for yourself everyday, even if it's small such as treating yourself to your favorite coffee or getting a pedicure.
Spend time with family and friends and do things that will help to relax you. I know a massage is about the most amazing thing in the world to me, maybe that will help relax you a bit.
Just know that it does take time and it is a process, I'm still learning new things about myself in relation to everything I went through.
I also like the idea of trying new things (when you're ready) and having goals in mind to look forward to. Last May I ran my first half marathon and I'm taking my CFP exam in three weeks.
Eventually it will all come together. As far as his GF, try not to worry about him being in a new relationship. Chances are it won't last because it's too much too soon but whether it does or it doesn't, you have to find a way to separate yourself from that.
Hugs to you and welcome.
I'm sorry your life is kind of upside down right now, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing and are trying to be okay with it. Good for you.
Getting out of the house is going to help you feel better sooner. It will feel pretty weird at first, and probably sad, but then you will start to figure out how to live this new life you're going to have, and it will start to get easier. I'm glad your parents can be there for you.
I'm sure it's extra hard since you were trying for a kid, but you're right that it would be much more complicated now if you had had one. I'm sure it's hard to be "happy" about that, but you're still young, and there is certainly time for that to happen for you in the future.
Welcome, even though it's not the kind of place anyone ever wanted to be!
Hi and welcome. It sounds like you have a lot going on but you're taking the right steps to get yourself in a better place. From the sound of it though you have your head on pretty straight.
You're right, you deserve a man who is better than your STBXH. I just got divorced and also moved back in with my parents. It has been amazing to have their support. You're doing the right thing to get out of the house you shared, it will be so much better to not have to deal with him, especially as you go through legal proceedings. Do you have an attorney yet? I suggest contacting one if you haven't.
I'm not going to lie, the embryo situation will likely be a headache but try not to worry about that for now--leave it up to the attorneys to work out down the line. The good news is that you're a cancer survivor with the rest of your life ahead of you that you now don't have to share with someone who isn't right for you or willing to love you the way you deserve to be loved. The emotional rollercoaster is normal, just stay in therapy and roll with it. We're always here for support.
ETA: XH and I were also TTC during our marriage--I went to a RE office for an IF workup 3 days before I left him so I understand a bit about the extreme from planning a family to filing for divorce (hugs)
Sorry that you are going through this! Yeah, divorce pretty much sucks all around. And I know that it must really hurt that he is already dating someone new.
In terms of how to get through divorce, just take it one day at a time. I will be honest, it was one of the lowest points in my life: I was depressed, I could barely work, I cried, I screamed, I threw things. It was ugly. One minute I would be fine and the next I would be sobbing hysterically. THIS IS VERY NORMAL! Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster and just know that it does get easier. I promise. Distract yourself with new hobbies, learn a new skill, lean on friends and family. The people over here are great for the most part so feel free to post away!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Welcome. The thing that helped me was staying busy--helped take my mind off it. Find new hobbies, make new friends, join a new club/sports team/group/whatever. Volunteer. Do something so that you're not wallowing at home (especially if you're moving!).
Take it one day at a time, or one minute at a time, if you have to. Whatever you need to do. When you get upset, let yourself feel it, but then do whatever you need to bring yourself out of it--exercise, listen to music, read, whatever does it for you. You can't avoid the emotions, and you do need to deal with them, but no use dwelling too long on them.
A lot of people find counseling helpful, too!
You have been through a lot, but it is obvious that you are a survivor and you will survive this. My refuge is weekly therapy, sticking with realy close friends and family that cares. I am not yet divorce but my stbxh filed a few weeks ago. In California, we have to wait 6-8 months before the divorce is finalized. My stbxh not once had expressed remorse or change in behavior after doing what he did to me. So I know that is really tough.
I am sorry for your broken dreams and dealing with a hard past with IVF and cancer. But on the bright side, 31 is still fairly young. As much as hard it is to imagine right now, someday you can dream again. The dreams may not happen in the way you had hoped but it definetly can be bettter or different than original plan.
Thank you so much ladies. I have been lurking on this board a lot lately since this has been going on and I love how supportive you all are.
I don't have a lawyer, we are trying to do this without them if we can. But if he starts acting like an ass, i have the support of parents to get a lawyer. We're civil right now, luckily. The house is his. He bought it when we were engaged and ever added me to the deed or mortgage. Huge mistake but oh well! The house is worth less than what he paid for so maybe it's actually a good thing I'm not involved.
I agree that this is such a roller coaster. I'll go 2 or 3 days thinking that I'm moving on, I'm doing better, I'm not as sad, and than bam! I'm crying all day on day 4. Ugh!
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The PP's have offered wonderful advice, so I just wanted to jump in and say I'm sorry you're here but welcome!
Getting out of the house will be a huge step in the right direction for you. You've had the last 1.5 months to adjust to the idea of getting a divorce; once you're out of the house and don't have to see your STBXH every day you can begin to truly start to heal.
You're clearly a fighter already with everything you've been though -- you'll get through this too. Don't fight the emotions; allowing yourself to feel everything is part of the grieving and healing process.
I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. It's all very tough. What worked for me, like many of the PP said, is just staying busy. I re-dedicated myself to some hobbies that I'd let fall by the wayside, and I joined a volunteer organization which has helped put a lot of things into perspective for me.
I understand that feeling of being happy that you don't have children as far as dealing with the divorce, but being sad that you don't have children at the age you are. Out of everything, that is the one thing that I still struggle with on a regular basis.
The last think that I'll add is that I moved back in with my parents too for about 6 weeks when I first moved out. I relied on them heavily for comfort and company, but at some point I realized that I had to learn to be okay with being alone. So, I started taking myself out on dates at least once a week. I get dressed up, research fun things to do, and make myself go even when I don't feel like it. I have really learned to love it now and I think it really helped me move out of the funk I was in.
At this stage, crying is actually a good thing. It means you're processing what's going on instead of just throwing on your Everything's Fine! face. You have every right to feel sad and grieve the end of your marriage. Don't beat yourself up over it.
I'll reiterate that the healing process is a one-day-at-a-time proposition. You might have a few good days and then a bad one, but the net result is positive. I think you'll feel a huge difference after you physically move away from your STBXH. I know I did. I lived in a constant state of heightened awareness - was that his car in the driveway, his key in the lock? Was he going to be alone? In a bad mood? Once I moved into my own place, I finally started to get some peace. I also was able to move into the different stages at that point. Anger was fleeting, but I got a lot accomplished, LOL.
Keep going with the counseling. My therapist was a God-send. I'm a natural overanalyzer and I needed that dedicated time to process and discuss everything. That's where I derived an additional sense of peace for my Type A personality. I could nitpick the tiniest detail and look at it from every angle to try and determine a cause or a motivation. But when I was done, when I felt like I had finally arrived at an answer, it was over for me. I just stopped. Man that was freeing. Now I don't think about XH at all - he has been relegated to the trashheap of solved problems.
{{{HUGS}}} to you. I understand the sadness over the fertility. I thought my XH was my one and only shot at children. Grieving "what could have been" and accepting the unknown of "what will be" was the hardest part for me. Hearing other peoples' stories helped me a lot with that. My BFF's older sister sat down and talked with me one afternoon. She got divorced at around the same age I was (30) and, at 38, was happily remarried and pregnant with her third child.
Life is full of second chances (as you already know) - the challenge is getting yourself emotionally healthy so you can recognize them. You can do this.
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