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so this gorgeous doctor walks into my life..
So 6 months ago, I was (happily) married to my husband of 4 years (together 10). Now we are going through a divorce (hidden illegal drugs/addiction, denial about the addiction, numerous lies came out, hidden money/debt, distrust all around, totally broken/severed relationship). I've been seeing a therapist, family & friends have been unbelievably supportive, & I can honestly say that I'm feeling good. While 6 months ago I say we were happy, I have no regrets regarding the decision I made to leave him - there was no future together without trust. I had a good 2-3 months to sit around, isolate myself, cry & grieve. But honestly, the lies were so absurd, that I feel like I moved into a good place quickly - which of course then makes me question if I'm just fooling myself.
So I work in a hospital, where Gorgeous Doctor (GD) asked me out 4 times. One of the occasions he asked me out, I bluntly responded, "um, I'm going through a divorce & I'm in therapy, probably not good timing." He was persistent. One rainy Friday afternoon he suggested we get coffee after work. I agreed. I was tired of sitting at home alone crying & felt like I was finally in the stage of acceptance of my broken marriage. GD & I easily hit it off. While I haven't been looking for a relationship, I feel like one involuntarily started. This was about a month ago.
He kind of came out of nowhere: kind, chivalrous, gorgeous, rich, mature, amazingly intellectual/stimulating/honest/open conversation, unbelievable sex (can I say better than it ever was with my STBXH?). Pretty much the opposite of my STBXH. I have been nothing but blunt with GD, telling him what I'm feeling, what I'm going through, my struggles/reservations with trust. I've talked to my therapist about all of this too who's favorite advice is: To Thine Own Self Be True - aka just keep being yourself, keep being honest, & if I happen to scare GD away, then it wasn't meant to be.
Well GD is still around & desiring commitment, meaning girlfriend/boyfriend status. I'm clearly new to this game of dating (I'm 28). It's kind of freaking me out, and I've told him this. He's being patient with me for now, but I can tell that he is the commitment-type. I normally am too, but I'm also freshly coming out of a traumatic relationship & have legit reservations. I'm totally enjoying our time together & content with how things are, he's been an amazing distraction & feel there is serious potential with GD. I'm not interested in pursuing other guys or sleeping around. I didn't even look for this relationship with GD in the first place.
So I guess I'm just looking for advice. Is it too soon for starting a new relationship? Are there really timelines to how long to wait before starting something new? Am I fooling myself into thinking that I'm over STBXH? Is this what a rebound is? Am I supposed to date around? Help a sister out!
Re: so this gorgeous doctor walks into my life..
I couldn't help read that entire thing quickly - sounds amazing if you ask me.
As for timelines and all that other stuff, a lot of people on here will tell you that it's not a good idea and you shouldn't do it. I'm not saying that but I'm not saying do it. You are going to be the only person who knows if you are ready for a relationship.
I got into an unexpexted relationship quickly after seperation - 2 months (max)? I was with XH for 6 years, married 1.5 when we seperated. Though, I had "checked out" of the marriage 8 months into it when he cheated, again, on me - on his birthday. Apprently the entire time we dated he was not faithful (I learned this at 8 months into the marriage.) Maybe it was a rebound, but if it was - well it was the best rebound because I've never been happier. We've been dating over a year now - my family all absolutely adores him (they couldn't stand my xh), I'm getting to visit him over christmas/ny and meet his family/friends.. it's wonderful. Add to the mix of starting to date while I was going through a divorce (from a marriage that had trust issues) - bf & I are long distance. Major long distance. He is in Australia and I am in the states. I haven't seen him since 12/2010. But ultimately, I have not one ounce of fear in me that he will cheat on me. I trust him, competely. I never thought I would be able to trust again - but there is this sense of calm with him. The thought I had to remember at first was "BF is not XH - he hasn't done anything to make me not trust him, he hasn't done wrong in any means" If those flags were to go up like they did before - then I would leave.. but it all keeps getting better and better - even long distance.
Good luck to you ... and GD if you move further! (But a doctor, yay!)
You know bits and pieces of what I choose to share on here - so since you don't know the 100% full story - don't judge.
That must be really hard! I can't imagine dating someone in the US right now.. it's so far away... Do you have plans to move to Australia?
Yes, I'm sorry I am - I have posted before on a similar subject and it was flamed because I started dating so fast in a serious relationship after seperation ... If it was not ment as a judging remark, then I am so very sorry that I took it that way.
He's working on moving here.. We talked a little of it early on because we both knew that distance wouldn't work forever, nor do we want it too. That being said, with everything I have going on here (job, family things, dog, etc) he didn't want to even have me consider moving out of the country.
In a way, it was nice early on because I could deal with my divorce and not have him see that part of my past.. now I just miss him terribly.
This doesn't make me think very highly of him.
A nice guy who was truly interested in starting something meaningful with you wouldn't push you into something you CLEARLY SAID you weren't ready for.
He either just wants you for you body, or is the abusive type who wants somebody under their thumb, and you seemed like a good "target" since you were self-proclaimed vulnerable. Or something like that.
I'm assuming a lot of things here, but that's my initial reaction, without reading any of the other replies.
Very good point, my friend. I just spoke with him about this & it's my gut feeling that I need to work through some more things before moving into this level of things. Sucks, but sounds like I just broke it off with a really great guy.
I actually think this is probably the smarter thing to do.
Sorry, though. I know these emotions are tough.
Always trust your gut. Don't worry, there will be more men who come along when you are in a healthy place.
All of this. You flat-out told him you didn't want to date him, and he decided that your feelings really didn't matter. That makes him, at the very least, kind of a jerk. Guys who won't take no for an answer are not "persistent", they are disrespectful and controlling.
I think sometimes women are given a bad time for letting a perceived "good one" go. Sounds to me like that's what is driving you here. Even though you feel in your heart like you aren't ready, you're trying to talk yourself into it because you think you'll miss out on a great catch if you don't. Do yourself a favor and LISTEN to yourself.
Also ditto PP's who are saying that his pushiness is a bad sign. It's a common misconception that persistence and pushiness is romantic and a sign that he really just cares and wants to rescue you. I would lean more towards that he wants to be in control of the situation as in, he isn't taking no for an answer because he wants to see if he can push you around a bit. Bad sign.
It's too soon. And if he won't quit pushing for more commitment than you're willing to give, he's not the guy for you. Quit namby pambying around and tell him he's pushing you and to quit pushing or go away. Gorgeous isn't everything.