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CP: how do I handle this (friend/family) issue
No matter how I explain this Im going to sound like an A-hole, but I need help. I have a friend who I've just kind of out grown. I like her, I know deep down she means well but some of her behaviors are very off putting. She has a tendency to ask uncomfortable questions, and over share.
I'm use to her, but some people find it offensive, and I do too at times. On halloween we had a party that I had wanted to be family only, I did not invite her but she showed up. Dh's family doesn't care much for her, and honestly she kind of embarrasses me in front of them. There were several awkward moments last night because of her, and I really don't want to repeat it. A's birthday is coming up and I don't want her there. I know thats horrible, but its the truth. The only thing I can think to do is have 2 seperate parties for friends and family, which is not what I want to do, but what option do I have? and even then she may still show up...
A week or so ago she said I was closer to her than her biological sisters and she was so happy to be friends with me. Don't get me wrong, I like her and we are friends, but I just don't know how to draw the line or where to start..
Re: CP: how do I handle this (friend/family) issue
I think you just have to be a little more firm with her that things are family only. Also don't tell her about events if she is not invited or would she find out from your family about them?
For the party do family only. Tell her it is family only and that you would appreciate it if she doesn't show up. Reassure her that you are still her friend, but that some events you want to be just family.
If she does show up re-iterate that it is family only and ask her if you guys could get together another time (don't let her in this time).
What do you think would happen if you took her out for coffee with the exact intent of saying - we need to talk about your behavior the other night? Would it be too far fetched to simply ask her to curb her behavior/mouth while around DH and his family?
I wonder if you could put it in a gentle light - "Even though I understand your sense of humor, a lot of other people do not. For instance, last night at the party you said "..." and it did not come across as you intended.I was wondering if you could try to curb your sense of humor around DH and his family (or other guests) who may not understand?"
I know it is easier said than done - especially from an outsider. Best of luck.
Facebook.
She added many of his family members, and although they don't care for her they accepted her request. I generally don't post much until an event is over, but they posted a lot of "What can I bring, or On our way to FMH's Halloween party" blah blah blah... You get it..
Ah, yes that makes it difficult. FB can be annoying sometimes but yet so convenient for other things. You can block a friend from reading wall posts and viewing pictures while still being their friend, but not sure if that would be to extreme. There is a place in the privacy settings where you can change everything thats shared to exclude specific names. I have done this with some of H's friends that we dont invite to everything.
The best option may be to limit some events to family only and just be firm with telling her that said event is only family this time.
I do not think she would be receptive, in the past asking her to NOT do something seems to equate in her doing it more. I Know I can't change her personality, but I think sometimes she really sells herself short with the way she acts and carries herself. Shes an intelligent and caring person but her sense of humor and general appearnce are off putting to people.
Thank you. I'm going to see if I can figure this out later tonight, and you absolutely right, fb goes both ways for sure.
You are going it have to hurt her feelings.
Not in an unkind way, but you need to tell her when she is not invited and not welcome. Like for Halloween. You have to. To not, is to be a fake friend. One with good intentions, but fake none the less.
I have 2 friends who are like this. One who's just still very immature and another who has some culture barriers and doesn't understand that some things aren't appropriate to talk about-especially in front of my in laws. My now BIL and SIL have a couple friends though too who I personally find as odd balls. They're very nice, but not people I would go out of my way to associate with. If this is a good friend of yours you can't worry about what everyone else thinks.
Speak to your friend. If you're hosting something that is all family, don't tell her about it so she doesn't assume she's included. Honestly if she just creates a few uncomfortable situations but is a friend who would have your back, I wouldn't push her out of your life. It doesn't sound like she's trying to be awkward.
Well, I think you should start handling incidents with her where she's outright embarassing. Say "you know friend, the difficulty in combining friends and families together for social events is I know I have to ask my friends to be on the best behavior and some things that we might do/say with just each other aren't appropriate around my family, especially my inlaws who I'm still trying to build a relationship with... Doing (blank) is a good example of that...I love you but I don't love you making life difficult for me"
Also, you should try building her up to family members...if they see really bad thing, try sharing some of the more positive things about her. I've had to do this with my friends...when they say so so acts so immature I will say "yes, but she's the most giving person I know"
If you'd be O.K. with ending the friendship completely, this may be the way to go. Tell her that her actions/conversations have hurt or embarrassed you, and kindly ask her if she'll watch what she says and does around your family. If she gets pissy or just does it more often to spite you, then you can say to her that it's probably best that you don't spend time together anymore because she can't respect your wishes. You gave her fair warning, after all.
Stop sharing things on Facebook if you don't want her to know about them, check your settings to see if you can block her from seeing certain things, and ask your family members and other friends not to reference your parties on FB anymore. They can send you a private message if they have a question.
wow i totally could've written this same post-aside of showing up at family events.
i have a friend who is to a T the same as yours. can be (and always finds some way) to be inapporpriate, make things uncomfortable etc.. the problem is that she's a great friend! i know how she is and it's easy for me to handle but over the years i've stopped inviting her out with dh and iand groups etc.. because i just got tired of it.
the facebook thing is different. is there any way that you can ask the people you invite NOT to discuss it on FB as you don't want any of friends not invited to be hurt?
Starting off by with - as PPs have said - talking about how you feel, not what she does (as much - you have to say something as it relates in context) might be a good place to go.
Also, the idea that you have to ask your family to limit what they talk about on FB annoys me - why should innocent people have to curtail their communications because one person doesn't respect limits? Maybe blocking her is the answer here...?
I hate this kind of weirdness.
You're just going to have to be blunt about invitations from now on. "Sally, it's so sweet you want to come, but it's just family tonight; thanks for thinking of me" or "I couldn't tell you this if we weren't such good friends; this is just a family night tonight. I'll let you know when we're inviting friends next time". If you can do this, and she can accept it, your friendship actually WILL be better.
She's sensing your withdrawal, which is why she's pulling the dramatic 'you're a better friend to me than my own sister' crap.
I think you are absolutely right about this. DH and I were married 3 years ago, and I did not include her in the wedding party. She kept telling me how she didn't really care that she wasn't in the party but that I really hurt her then 6 year old daughter by not including her.
I never ONCE mentioned, even in passing that I would put either one in the wedding party. The only way her daughter would have thought she'd be in the wedding would have been that friend told her. She brought it up for years, and even in front of people, mostly to blank stares. It was after that she really started doing the "I love you more than family" stuff. I think because it was yet another occassion where only family was involved.
She started off as a coworker of my moms, which morphed into me babysitting her now 20 year old daughter, and eventually a friendship. I've known her for years, and I do like her, I just wish she didn't put me in these odd positions. I know that no matter how gently I bring things up shes going to be offended, but what other choice do I have?
From reading your post, I don't think your friend is THAT nice a person. I think she is extremely manipulative. You seem like a sweet person who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I think she is taking advantage of that.
I would never assume that DD was going to be a flower girl for anyone - - including my own sister (who is dd's godmother)! The fact that she kept bringing it up over and over again is only to make you feel guilty ("you've let me down....how can you make this up to me?").
The fact is, you are entitled to have "family only" parties, and the fact that she feels YOU are closer to her than her own family doesn't mean that you have to feel the same, or to treat her like family when she is not, ESPECIALLY when she doesn't behave appropriately around your family/ILS.
YOUR needs/wants are important, too! It seems to me you want a stress-free party for A (your daughter?). You deserve that. You deserve to have only the people you invite show up for the party. If that means only biological family, that's perfectly fine! If I knew someone was having a family only party for their child, I wouldn't go - - I might give a gift to the baby, but not to make anyone feel guilty about not inviting me, only b/c I like to give baby gifts.
And tell your family that your party isn't a public event, so if they want to ask you questions via FB, please do so on the private message board.
I also think, even if your friend wasn't manipulative, that your family doesn't get a vote on who you invite to your parties, either. I think that YOU should draw the line where you feel it is appropriate, but if I wanted to invite a friend to a party, it wouldn't matter to me if my ILS or even my bio-family liked them. It's my party, my guest list.
I completely agree with this. I had a friend who was the same exact way. When I had finally had enough I put my foot down. I had tried all the nice ways I could to tell her to stop with it all and when she didn't get it I was quite blunt and probably rude, but it was necessary for her to get. Long story short first she gave guilt trips and then she got really angry. The friendship ended and it was for the best. I am thankful not to have this friendship in my life. It may be for the best to just cut ties with her.