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Were any of you BOTH addicts?
I have a really tough situation and I would love some advice if any of you have any. My husband and I have been married a year and together for six. Drinking has always been an issue for us and it is wrecking our relationship.
I am a binge drinker. I don't drink often, never drink at home, but once and a while I go out and once I have 3 drinks I want 13. It is a problem and has caused a lot of fights betwen my husband and I. I have seen a counselor for this and have been really trying to put my marriage first and rein in both how often and how much I drink. (I am down to being drunk only once every few months) I keep trying to give it up completely but due to our lifestyle I eventually give in and the cycle starts over.
My husband hates it when I drink and gets completely mad at me now even before I get close to drunk. His mother is an alcoholic and he hates it when I get drunk. HOWEVER, my husband is an alcoholic and in complete denial of it. He too does not drink at home but he goes out 1-2 times per week and 1-2 times per weekend and is drunk WAY more often than I am. He holds together it better than me but he too has done plently of stupid crap while drinking but he blows up if I do it and blows it off if he does it. We can both be out drunk and stupid and he will get mad at me for it and won;t talk to me for days and threaten divorce, etc., but has no idea of his own behavior.
Now the question - is there any way we can survive this? Is there any way I can get him to recognize that he too has a problem? He is so fixated on me that he does not see that we both are at fault here. I want to quit altogether but I don't think I can with the person closest to me drunk all of the time! I am sick of the drama it brings and I brought up counseling and he does not want to go. I am almost to the point of separating in hopes to making his choose between me and the bottle! I am terrified and just do not know how to go about this. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated, this is just tormenting me.
Re: Were any of you BOTH addicts?
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a good thing to be in counseling. Did you and your H always drink together? Often things that are the basis of a relationship are difficult to change.
From my experience with addiction, I've learned that you can't force someone to give up substance abuse for you. They have to want to get help themselves. Even if they chose you over the bottle, and get help, there might be feelings of resentment that follow. Addictions are difficult to recover from and it will take a lot of work--if he's not going to put in the effort, he will not recover. If he's unwilling to see he has a problem, go to counseling with you, talk about rehab, etc then it is probably a lost cause. Threatening divorce over alcohol isn't a good sign.
Congratulations to you that you've made the decision to live a healthier lifestyle. It sounds like you might have to do this on your own though... Please stick around, a lot of us have left relationships with addicts and know how hard it can be.
ETA: My XH made me do some things with him earlier in our relationship and I felt as though I had "consented" to the substance abuse on account of my actions. You have every right to opt out whenever you want to. Don't feel guilty for not wanting to drink anymore.
I would think unless you both got help it would be hard to keep the marriage together. Have you looked into treatment for yourself and maybe al-anon? You have to realize that you can only control yourself and your actions.
Co-Dependent No More is a really good book too.
Thank you guys for the honest replies. I have made an appointment with a drug/alcohol counselor for myself and I am considering al-anon as well.
I was reading about codependecy in alcoholism and it said that sometimes the codependent partner develops alcohol problems too because they drink to give them something in common with the addicted spouse. I kind of think this is my problem. I had an alcoholic ex before him and I was never a big drinker until I surrounded myself with people that drink more than me. I always think I am fine because everyone around me is drinking too and the whole cycle is just so damaged.
I think I could give up alcohol easily if I did not surround myself with it. I am going to talk to the counselor about how to withdraw from this lifestyle and pray that my doing so will be a wake up call to my husband. I doubt it will but as least I can learn to focus on my needs. Thanks again and I think I will stick around if that is ok.
I am recovering alcoholic and married my drinking buddy. I got sober and he didn't like it. I had to make a decision to take care of myself and my sobriety. I changed, he didn't. I wasn't what he signed up for anymore.
At first I worried about how it would affect our relationship. Then I worried about how the relationship would affect my sobriety. We separated when I hit 1 year sober and were divorced before I hit 2 years sober. He didn't want a sober wife, I didn't want a drunk husband.
Take care of you and the rest will work out. Feel free to PM me.