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My friend won't start over.. help (looong)
Sorry, I think this will get long, but I'm hoping you lovely ladies might have some insight on whether there is anything I can do in this situation..
One of my BFF's broke up with her boyfriend back in May and moved across country to essentially take a year off from her real life but get some good work experience in the meantime. Some background: she is 31, he is 25 or 26 and completing his PhD. They met in our home city but then she moved with him when he started his research (I don't think he asked her to move either). She was his first girlfriend. She was always pretty insecure in the relationship and decided at the end of the day that if he couldn't tell her that they were working towards some sort of commitment/marriage/family one day in the future then she couldn't stay with him. She wasn't looking for a proposal, just wanting to know that they were on the same page - he couldn't give her an answer. Hence the break up and move.
So the bottom line is that she is still in love with him and has now been called as a witness in a trial back where he lives and is going there for the week next week. She has been chatting with him online and decided she needs to see him "for her". She asked if he has been seeing anyone and he told her he has been sleeping with some girls but he doesn't have an emotional connection with any of them and he hasn't tried to replace her.
I have no idea why she would even ask that, or chat to him, let alone meet up with him. I have told her this and even though I am usually a voice of reason in her life, I can't seem to get through to her. I told her I think she actually wants to see if there is still something there and she said yes, she needs to know if it is really over. I said, dude, you moved across the country - it's over. She said she asked if he was seeing anyone because she wanted to be prepared..
I am at the point where I want to slap some sense into her but she lives too far away! I think it's highly likely that they will see each other, have sex, she will get her hopes up and then be heart broken all over again when he isn't pleading with her to move back etc. It's like her self respect comes second because "she loves him".
Is there anything I can say/do at this point that might cut through? Any good advice that anyone has given/received that would be useful here.
I know it is her life and she will make her own choices and live with the consequences, but I don't want to go back to the beginning again, having her calling in tears and even further from moving on than she is now. At this point I have told her that I think she has already made up her mind, but she wants to talk about it again tomorrow.. I don't want to help her justify this any way.
thanks in advance.. I might have to DD in a day or two because I did show her this board once and I don't know if she ever checks it. You get a 
if you got this far. 
Re: My friend won't start over.. help (looong)
Ditto what achase said, she needs to realize it herself. Just be there for her when she does.
Thanks ladies, that's pretty much what I was expecting to hear.. I just sometimes feel like she is dragging this out and if it was me should would give the same advice I'm trying to give her, so it's definitely frustrating.
I guess that's what friends are for though!
I agree with pp's...
Nope, nothing you can do.
You CAN cut off one of her payoffs for this situation, however. She's in this neverending drama with this fellow, and every drama needs an audience. You don't have to be the audience. Just say, when she brings him up, "Oh, you'll get it all figured out, you're smart" or "I don't know what to tell you; but I do have faith you'll figure out the right thing for you". Keep saying this. Don't spend hours going over the meaning of every little stupid thing he said, or the nuances of their conversations. Don't ask any questions for further explanations or long discussions with her about it. Just say, over and over and over, 'you are so smart and I know you'll figure out what to do. I don't have a clue what to tell you." then go on to another subject.
She will be less and less interested in going through the drama alone.
Ditto everyone else, and especially Sue_sue about how you don't have to be her audience.
But honestly - I'm not surprised by this at all. It's only been 5 months. While she broke up w/ him, it doesn't seem like she really wanted to. She felt she had to. I'm sure she's wondering "maybe time/distance has changed his perspective. Did I make the right or wrong decision?".
I'm just not surprised that this is happening.
And you never know- this MIGHT give her the closure that she needs.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10