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Can you relate to this?
I have been on my own for a year now. My divorce was just finalized earlier this month. After XH and I separated, I spent about 8 months nursing my wounds and mourning and then started to feel better and actually very hopeful about the future. I've been in therapy, which helped a lot.
I started dating again about 3 months ago. In that time, I've had two short relationships. With both men, the chemistry and sex was incredible- so much better than with my XH. Unfortunately, other things did not work, so I'm on my own again. But for some reason- I still can't understand why- XH and I never felt 100% comfortable together sexually.
I joked with the most recent guy that he unleashed my inner sex goddess. I've never been the type of person to have casual sex, but now I find myself thinking about it all the time even though I'm not in a relationship. I know it sounds crazy, but I've just never felt this way before. I'm wondering why it's possible for me to feel so uninhibited and free with one person and not with another, even though I felt so close to XH in all other ways.
Can anyone relate to this? If so, it would be interesting to hear your perspective.
Re: Can you relate to this?
With xh sex was .. what's the word I'm looking for ... not special? It was just something we did for, more his enjoyment, it was planned or asked of and unenjoyable. He was so open of what we did in the bedroom and I didn't like that. With bf? It's beyond amazing, special and between us .. and I never once have told him no or pretended to have a headache/be tired. (Yes, i did with xh.) It just happens... and often (when we are together).
I think a lot of it has to do with how the other makes you feel during (and visa versa).
BF and I agree that it doesn't make the relationship but should be a part of ... xh it was the relationship and without it there was something wrong. I once asked him if I was paralized from hips or shoulders down and couldn't have sex anymore - could he be faithful / be okay with it.. He said he wasn't sure and no he wouldn't be - he needed it. ?! I should have ran at that point- ha!
Actually I can relate to what you are saying... I left my ex last april so it's been over 1.5 years. I haven't been in any serious/exclusive relationships in that time but I have dated a couple of men casually and the sex has been amazing. I finally am able to let go and enjoy mysef like I never was with my ex. Now I think about it all the time and already have a FWB in Australia after only being here a month or so. I think with my ex I was so focused on trying to make/keep him happy that I didn't focus on myself. He also would get mean and angry if we didn't have sex every other day and I felt a lot of pressure to keep up with this when I wasn't even enjoying it. Now I am like a totally different person.
With one of the men I dated he really helped me work through this and I felt comfotorable enough to really enjoy it and it's been different ever since. It's like I finally feel like everyone else because I wondered what I was missing out on.. now I know how good it can be. Honestly though it's a little scary because it's pretty easy for sex to cloud relationships and can lead to bad decisions. However right now I am just enjoying being single
For me, it was because my XH and I were, at the root of it, just friends. We liked to hang out together, we liked the same movies and shows, we thought the same things were funny -- we connected on a friendship level.
But that was it. We never should have moved our friendship into romantic relationship territory. We should have stayed friends.
We didn't work romantically. And it showed in our (lack of a) sex life.
YES!!! Completely understand 100%. I was one of those that waited until I was married to have sex. STBXH & I never found the chemistry.
My recent 1 month whatever with gorgeous doctor (who I sadly just ended it with) = I O'd every.single.time. I had no idea I had the ability to O during sex. I never O'd once w/ STBXH.
Now I want more. lol
This was me exactly.
Yes, I think that about my XH too...that we should have never been romantically involved. He always felt more like a brother to me. I went so far as to seriously consider that there was something wrong with me! Why didn't I feel the way I wanted to feel towards him? Why did the sex almost always fall flat? I mean, he's a very handsome man. I was definitely attracted to him, but not turned on by him. And there's a huge difference, as I'm now learning.
The change in me is so profound. I went from being one of those wives who never wants to have sex (I was always too tired, not feeling well, etc, etc) to being a GF who has an insatiable sex drive.
I think it also has to do with the fact that both of the men I've slept with since my divorce have been much more assertive, and I don't mean sexually, just in general. More "manly" in a way. And I know that turns me on more. Of course, it's a delicate balance. I don't want to be with someone who acts like a caveman, but someone who takes a little more initiative, who acts more like he wants to protect me and take care of me. All of those things are huge turn-ons. I know it's not very PC to say that in this day and age. I mean, I support myself financially and take care of everything myself! I just believe that men and women are different and we should celebrate those differences. I could go on and on about this...
Thanks for all your feedback- it's very enlightening!