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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Brother-in-law's girlfriend wants to borrow wedding dress
The title says most of it. My husband's brother has been dating a woman for a few years - on again off again. She's nice. We're friends. But there's a whole lot of drama there. One second they're "just friends" then they are obviously something else. Anyway, we were just married two months ago and she was all about seeing my dress. (Not a first wedding for either of us, very small crowd, very elegant, short ivory dress that I found in San Francisco over a year earlier.) I never quite managed to have it around when she wanted to see it. I even told my husband I was sure that she would ask to borrow it "sometime in the future". He said, "Do girls do that?" I told him not really, but I sort of expected her to ask. Sure enough, just last week, she did. I told her that she could borrow anything else BUT the dress - veil, shoes, jewelry, hand bag, IDEAS. I'm expecting a backlash either from her or the brother-in-law. Am I being selfish? Should I have let her use it?
Re: Brother-in-law's girlfriend wants to borrow wedding dress
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No, you're not selfish for not wanting someone else to borrow your dress.
Has she seen it yet? You could always say that you've had it preserved or something and can't take it out of the box. Otherwise, just tell the truth ... she's more than welcome to borrow your accessories, but you would prefer to not loan out the dress to anyone because it has sentimental value, and you'd be more than happy to tell her the designer/shop where you got it. Maybe offer to go dress shopping with her, as a way to change the subject.
If she or BIL gets mad, tough ... she's not entitled to borrow it and it was nuts of her to ask. Shrug and say, "Sorry you feel that way. Please know that it's nothing personal, since I wouldn't loan it out to any of my family or friends" and then drop the subject. If she wants to act like a baby, let her. Not your problem.
Are they even engaged? If not, she sounds like a lunatic to ask you to borrow it now, never mind if she holds a grudge over it.
You handled it perfectly. It's your dress; it's not a loaner. "I'm sorry; it's very special to me and I'm not going to loan it out". Any backlash will be their problem.
I don't see anything wrong with borrowing it but if you are not down with lending the dress to her, nothing wrong with that, either.
Why not suggest to her that she take a photo of it to a dressmaker to have replicated? Would that idea be okay with you?
She could probably have it remade for a song.
Nope not at all. What if she stained or ruined it? It's not something replacable. It's special and I think it was out of line for her to ask to borrow it.
Did she want to use it as a wedding dress or just a regular dress?
You're not being selfish at all and you handled it perfectly.
My sister borrowed my wedding dress when she got married and her two dogs tore it to shreds.
I don't think it is wrong to say no. I personally wouldn't do it. My wedding dress was/is very sentimental to me and I wouldn't loan it out to anyone. I probably wouldn't even loan any of my wedding day accessories, but I'm sentimental that way and would be devistated if anything happened to them.
I don't even think you owe her an explanation; a simple, "No, I'd rather not loan it out to anyone" should suffice here. If she makes a stink about it she's going to look like the crazy person, not you.
The idea that you knew she was going to pounce this on you is really creepy. Who stalks a recent bride to get a loaner on her dress?
Of course you don't have to lend something that is yours. Backlash would be ridiculous on their part.
But I guess I've never understood the attachment to a used wedding dress. You won't use it again, so why does it matter? Even if she ruins it, who cares?
"No" is a complete sentence.
You don't owe this woman anything. If you want to help her out, tell her the store where you purchased the dress, but tell her you aren't loaning it out.
And if she creates drama about it, SHE is the jerk!
Think of it this way:
By saying no, you're saving yourself all the drama that would occur if she ruined it.
If you decide you want to sell it, then you might let her know you are selling it as well as the accessories for X amount, and she is welcome to purchase it from you.
It sounds like you want to keep it, so I think "No" is sufficient. If she starts pitching a fit, tell her to put on her big girl panties, and hit the shops for her own dress.
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."- Aristotle