Family Matters
snickerdoodle27
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brother is an addict
My brother is addicted to percocet. He was in rehab this time last year, but then started using again several months ago. He told his wife (my SIL) and she kicked him out. He's been living with my parents and just saw their son yesterday for the first time in 3 weeks (my mom was with him, SIL wouldn't let him be there unsupervised-I get it, she doesn't trust him). He's been going to NA meetings twice a day, and has been seeing a therapist (something he didn't do last year). My SIL is not going to make it easy for him to come home, if at all. Her and I are close, and she's emailed me several times that she's happier with him gone, she doesn't have 2 kids to take care of anymore, etc. She called my mom one day and left a message for her that when she was cleaning she came across an empty medicine bottle and that my mom should check her cabinets. She emailed me that she thought he was using yesterday when he came with my mom to the house to see their son because his eyes were bloodshot, but he hasn't been sleeping much at all. She did go to a family support meeting last night and said she'd like to go back. She said she'd go to a marriage counselor with him but said he's got to be the one to make the appointment. I feel like I am in a really awkward position - i'm close with her, but he's my brother. I feel like I'm going to need to make a choice who to support. I get that she's angry and she has every right to be. She said my brother wants to see her in person to talk, but she thinks he's just got more lies to tell her. I'm not saying anything because I'm going to put myself right in the middle of it. This whole situation just sucks. Anyone dealt with this before? How did you handle it? Can I support both of them, or that's just not possible?
Re: brother is an addict
First of all, AlAnon for you, immediately. Also for your SIL; she needs to go.
You can find a meeting near you; look on line for meeting places and dates.
Your SIL did the right thing by booting him --- and your parents did the WRONG thing by taking him in.
Your place here:
Cut your brother off.
Tell him "I love you but not your addiction. Call me when you are clean and sober for a good long while with the help of a 12 step program and a sponsor. Until then, we will not be in contact."
He needs to be clean and sober for a good long while before you can resume contact with him; he also needs AA and/or NarcAnon and, as i said, a sponsor. Good luck.
Cut him off. Do not take him in and above all do NOT give him any money. An addict will bankrupt you.
DH's brother is an addict (no children though) He has been to treatment multiple times over the last 10 years, has done NAA. M/FIL always allow him to live with them when he gets out and he is using again within 1 month every time. DH and I have cut him out of our lives for the most part. We are nice to him when we are at M/FIL's place but when we start havin children we will not bring them there as long as BIL still lives there!
You'd be an enabler also if you accepted him as is minus a recovery status.
He needs the "rock bottom" experience -- only then will he realize he's got a problem and he needs the help of a 12 step program to get the help.
tough situation.
i agree iwht PP. you need to stay out of their business. if SIL calls you to discuss brother you can absolutely tell her 'sil it's your and my brother's marriage and I want to stay out of it as I care abotu you both, please dont discuss your marital problems with me'.
also-i find the 'he needs to be the one to make an appointment' to be such a cop out. what's the difference?!
First of all, when someone is using narcotics (percocet) it does not cause bloodshot eyes. It will cause major dilation of the pupils and possibley "sleepy" eyes, as I like to call it. If your brothers wife knows much about his addiction she should know that by now. Anyways, my brother is also an addict. He is in recovery and has been for two years now but slipped up and relasped a few weeks ago. I feel having an addict in the family is one of the hardest and sadest diseases a family will ever have to deal with. Im sorry yours has to also. The only thing I know for sure is that an addict has to hit rock bottom before they will change. Rock bottom is different for everyone so you never know when he will be telling the truth that he is ready to try to give it up. The disease will make your brother a liar, a thief, an abuser or even a stranger. If you think its hard on you imagine how hard it is on him (if he is a caring person and really does want help). All you can do is support him. Its sad you feel you have to choose sides though. Why do you feel that way? Is his wife pressuring you to? You should'nt have to choose sides. Let them both know you love them and your here for both of them. Let them know your not going to be the monkey in the middle but you'll be there to help either one if they need it. Its sad for your brothers wife but even sader for your brother. Make sure you mean it before you say you'll be there. It may be very hard for you to do. This disease can be very disgusting and painful. I'll never give up on my brother even though the rest of the world has done just that. I dont baby him though or enable him. I get alot of crap from others. I feel that im doing the right thing though. You'll know if you are or not. You can feel it in your gut. I know the one thing that helped my brother was seeing a physician and starting on suboxine treatment. It is expensive but if he is buying pills on the street he is most likely spending alot more. People dispute about this treatment. You can research it on the net with your brother. It could be what saves his life. my brother struggled for most of his life then he started the treatment and for the first time in fifthteen years he stayed clean for over two years. In those two years he did not go to jail, he gained joint custody of his children and he was able to keep a job. That is enough for me to support the program. I know if he didnt start it he may be dead. It may be the answer for your brother. With counseling and weening of the medication (when he is ready), he will not have to take it forever and may beable to get his head straight and live a normal life. Good luck. I hope I have helped and if you have any other questions feel free to private message me.
I actually agree with the "I'll go to marriage counseling, but he has to make the appointment." BIL is the one with the addiction that has destroyed the marriage. He needs to start taking responsibility, including setting up appointments. If he's committed to change, that shouldn't be too hard!
Nonetheless, if SIL emails that to you, you should write back "have your told brother this?" That goes for her suspicions of him using or the marriage counseling. You should not be a person who passes on information from SIL to your brother. That's not a healthy position for you to be in.
Also, I sense some passive-aggression in your SIL. She did the right thing by kicking him out, but now she is playing games. If she thinks he is using, she can call the police or confront him herself - but running to his sister (who is expected to pass the info to her mom or brother) is out of line and immature. '
What a difficult situation. I've been extremely close to an addict, and I know just how painful and hard it is.
I don't think it's about taking "sides." Your SIL can't expect you to officially "side" against your brother. It's more about handling the situation as it occurs, because with addiction, there are so many ups and downs. You can support your SIL, who is going through helll dealing with this. But you can also support your brother, whose addiction is keeping him from acting rationally.
By support, I don't mean giving him money, or even maintaining contact, if you choose not to. I just mean that you don't have to get in the middle of the situation.
It's been said before, but it's true: the impetus for recovery has to come from the addict himself, and usually does not come until he has hit rock bottom. Which is what makes the whole process so painful.
Good luck. I'm sorry I don't have clear-cut advice, but that's how this can be. I'm thinking about your family, especially because this hits very close to home.