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Need courage
I am having a hard time working up the courage to officially tell H that I want out of our marriage. I have been feeling this way for over 2 years, and just recently (in June) brought up the fact that I'm unhappy. We talked about it again in September and I brought up separation again, but only as an option, not as something I definately wanted.
I posted a few months back, but here is some background: H & I have been married for 7 1/2 years (he was 27, I was 26). We dated for about 1 year, split, got back together 1 year later, engaged 6 months later, and married 1 1/2 year after that. We have 2 daughters together. I have never had that giddy, so happy in love feeling. I'm bored in our relationship. We haven't kissed or said "I love you" in so long, and it's been over a year since we last had sex. We fight over money. We both have issues about the other's parents: his are meddling, my mom & stepfather are smokers (and not light either). Sometimes I wonder if I married him because my biological clock was ticking (I always wanted kids before I was 30) and that I "settled" with him because I was familiar. Horrible, I know, but I can't help but wonder if that's true. He is not an abuser, he hasn't cheated, he's a good father. I think I've just fallen out of love with him, if I ever was in love in the first place.
Anyway, I think part of what is holding me back is the girls. I'm not staying in the marriage because I think it'll be best for them, cuz I know it's not. I am hesitant because I am afraid of getting into a custody battle and I don't want to put the girls through that. I'm also afraid to lose them. We are both good parents and there is no reason that we couldn't split custody equally. I've thought of a custody arrangement that would be 50/50, for now. My older DD will be going to kindergarten next year and I want to be the custodial parent, but still share equal custody. I'd like to think H would be ok with that, but sometimes I'm not so sure. I'm just scared to cross that road.
I'm sorry I rambled. There's so much more I want to say, but I'm also not sure if I've said enough. I've lurked through some of the posts and I know that many of you on here have children and am looking for some advice or suggestions on how to handle this.
Our Angel baby, lost at 6w6d on 6/10/08
Re: Need courage
Have you considered counseling or at min having an adult night and go over this - away from the girls? It's never easy.. I didn't have kids to be worried of in my divorce - so I can't speak much to that. I suspect it makes it harder when there are no major issues (alcohol/drugs/cheating/lying, etc) - I had 3 of those so it made it easier, plus the fighting - it just came out in arguments. He finally said he had had enought ..
Good luck!! :: hugs :: it's never easy. But only you know what is best for you!
Seeking legal help by getting an attorney would be the way to go with getting custody agreement with your children. Because of how you described your dh to be a good father with no major character flaws, it is possible that he may fight for custody. Do you both own a home together? Are you planning on being the one to move out?
Have you tried individual counseling? This might help clarify what you are feeling and give you confident about your choices or why you are with your dh as it seems like you are not clear about that yourself?
I could have written your post a year ago! Except substitute your younger daughter for a son. We got married at 25 and 26, and our kids are now 4 and 5. I felt the same exact way, except we were starting to fight more, and he was becoming emotionally abusive to me. I think we were both so complacent it was making us miserable. He is 100% against divorce, so I knew I would have to initiate. 2 years ago we tried counseling, but they did not tell him what he wanted to hear, so he wouldn't go back. A year ago, I told him it wasn't for me anymore and we needed to go back to therapy. He wouldn't go. In Apr/May is when I told him I wanted a divorce.
He is a great father and an overall good person. He tried to tell me he'd go to therapy, but he wanted to "check a box". He was raised to not believe in that type of stuff. I knew at that point that I was completely checked out of the marriage, and had been for over a year. He was not at all ok with the fact that I wanted a divorce. He eventually came to grips with the fact that it was happening.
We agreed to 50/50 custody, which is good for us, but I think it is a lot of bouncing around for the kids, we are going to re-evaluate. It is not easy, but I know I have a whole new life out there!
Now that we are divorced, he has started going to therapy, which I am so thankful for, for our kids.
I really sympathize....especially if he never did anything super wrong....which was my XH's constant argument back to me. You just have to know, if you are wanting out, it is absolutely ok, and it does NOT make you a bad person or mother. This is your life, you get one shot!
I had a similar situation ... but a little more one sided in that I felt that StbX did the falling out of love. I had planned on just putting up with it for our children (age 4 & 6), which isn't a good marriage but it wasn't terrible (no abuse or drugs) just no love or time together.
I probably thought I'd stay because my mom did the same thing (she finally divorced when her youngest turned 18) but they had separate bedrooms most of our childhood.
so my view may be a little twisted
We divorcing because I think he started cheating (he denies it so I could be wrong as I have no smoking gun just a series of suspicious behavior and some lies to cover said behavior)
For custody we are doing 50/50 one week at a time (Monday after school to the next Monday morning) and the parent w/o the kids for the week will come over for dinner T & Th. We'll probably drop the dinners once the boys are older. But our main thing is to keep the peace for them (as much as I want to let my emotions take over and say something witty and rude!). We plan to live within 10 minutes of each other to make this easier
Thank you all for your responses. I knew I wasn't alone in this situation so it is good to hear that others have been there and gotten through it just fine.
I would be the one to move out initially, our house is about 40 minutes from where I was born and raised and I would want to go "home". But, we'd have to sell the house eventually. Neither one of us could afford it on our own. The house is in his name only, but the utilities are in my name. It was purchased after we were married so hopefully that won't be a problem.
One thing that could cause an issue with splitting custody 50/50 (besides the ones I mentioned in my original post) is that I would move back to where I am from. I could see it being difficult with switching the girls because we'd live so far apart. But we could have a meeting point somewhere central to both cities. It would be difficult, but it could work. And once DD1 starts school next year, I'd prefer she go to the schools out near me rather than H (better school district), which is why I'd want to be the custodial parent. I like to think H wouldn't argue with that.
I feel like I've got so many things planned and worked out. But only in my head. They don't mean anything until I actually speak my mind and tell him.
Oh, and as far as counseling... I'm not really sure what to expect. Does the counselor try to make us work things out and stay together? Or is the counselor unbiased and just listens and gives advice regardless of whether it's stay together/separate/divorce?
I'm actually surprised that H hasn't suggested marriage counseling. I honestly don't think it would work. I've got my mind made up and once I do, it's difficult to change. I feel like if I agreed to go that I would just say what I thought they (counselor & H) would want/expect me to say. As far as counseling on my own, I might consider that. Because my biggest concern is my daugthers and I want to make sure that whatever decisions are made, that they are made in their best interest. Can a counselor help with that?