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Not even sure where to go or what to do from here... (long, sorry)
Sorry ahead of time -- this is a bit rambling and long. I am a regular on TN, but AE'ing it for the purposes of this post (and please if you figure out who I am by what I post here, just don't say anything...I am actually really ashamed about my circumstances). I am so lost right now and feel like I am just going to lose it. I have been married for almost eight years. I have two kids, married to a military guy.
He is super great in so many ways, but has struggled with chronic depression since I have known him. He does everything right in terms of his depression: he's on anti-depressants, he gets regular counseling, he does light therapy, he works out at least five times a week. He works hard, provides well (though I also work and contribute a lot to the household, he is the primary breadwinner). He is so much that so many women would want. But invariably, my world is constantly crashing down around my feet because of his depression. I feel like a constant crutch and feel like I am losing myself in all of this. Over the years, he has twice threatened suicide, one time for which he ended up in the hospital and nearly losing his career.
He is often on a roller coaster, too. One day he's happy (though happy for him is a more flat affect), the next, he is depressed. He has moments of joy and complete happiness, but they are few and far between. He obsesses over so many little details and this has also contributed to him being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. His depression and anxiety have become his identity.
I am a really happy, really optimistic, cheerful person, but his depression is consuming me.
In addition, there have been periods of time in our marriage where he has been very verbally abusive. It's been about six months now since he has been that way (after our last bout of marriage counseling), but I can't forget the terrible things he has said to me. And speaking of joint counseling, we have been through it seven times in the last ten years if you count pre-marital counseling. He is always willing to go and do the work, but he is basically a professional at marriage counseling now. He goes through the motions, makes promises, we recommit to working on our marriage, and then a couple of months later we are back to where we start.
We have sex maybe once a month. He would like it more, but I feel completely disconnected from him so I avoid it as I don't feel emotionally bonded to him during it. We don't really fight anymore (though we used to have some pretty bad drag outs).
One thing that is hardest is he is an AMAZING father. If I were to make a wish list of what a father should be, he meets absolutely every quality.
Last week, I went on a business trip for a week and had a ton of time to think. While I was gone, I realized I was happier in the week I was gone than I had been in a long time. I started thinking about the things that make me happy: reading, writing, traveling, art, etc. and realized that I've basically given up all of those things in order to be available to my husband constantly. I enjoyed just walking around the city I was in and just having time to myself. It was a real eye-opener. I also met up with an old girlfriend of mine while I was gone and she suggested individual counseling instead of marriage counseling. I have made an appointment to start next week.
But I just realized that I think I am ready for a break. I don't know that I am ready for divorce yet, but I think I am ready for a separation. Essentially, I have made up my mind, but want to go to counseling to make sure I do it in a mentally healthy way and that I do right by my kids. One of the things that was a HUGE realization for me was that I don't think my husband will ever change. He's been this way so long and has done everything he can to make it right. My realization was that I have to decide if I can live with him this way; if I am okay with this being my reality.
Our next military assignment comes up this coming summer. My plan is to move to the city nearest that base (the base is in a rural location, the city is about an hour away) and that way we can still share custody of the kids, meet and talk, but I can have some distance to see where I am at. I have fleshed it out so thoroughly (with the ultimate realization that I've really been planning it mentally for years) that I am freaking out over it. I am scared to death of messing up my kids. I am also scared that I will go too far and then not be able to get him back if I realize I've made a terrible mistake. And quite frankly, I also worry about what people will think. When I met him, I was a divorced single mother (my first divorce happened seven years before I met him though). His family felt like he married down. They love me now, but I know that they are all going to think I'm a terrible person. I mean for better or for worse and here I am trying to bail because of the "worse" brought on by depression...
I told dh what I was thinking last night. To his credit, he didn't fight and said he'll give me time to process it in counseling. He asked if there was anything he could do to change my mind and I just told him that I think he is doing everything he can, but that I have to decide if I can live in this reality.
I just don't know what to think or where to go from here. I don't know what I am really looking for, but hoping someone can relate and at least help me to process this or give some advice on where to go from here and what to do.
Re: Not even sure where to go or what to do from here... (long, sorry)
I think it is perfect that you are going to start individual counseling for yourself. You have put in a lot of support for your husband and family but it seems like you need the support for you now. You given up a lot of yourself to take care of your husband. A break might help get you realigned. I wonder if there is a way you can make "me" time or set aside frequent time to do the things you enjoy back into your marriage or is your dh's depression really all that time consuming? Only time and counseling will tell if your dh is willing to do this for you, if not, you then have your answer.
You sound like an amazing person, please take care of yourself.
I am eager to start counseling. If nothing else, it will give me the ability to decompress from everything that has happened and let it be about me for once, as selfish as that sounds. Dh is wiling to "let" me do whatever I need to do. If I wanted to take art classes, write, read, whatever, he is fine with it, but ultimately, I have learned there is a price to pay for taking the time to do so. We become even more distant, he gets more depressed, and everything gets worse than it already is. Basically, it takes a lot of work just to keep us connected on some level. If I didn't put effort into it, I think he would completely retreat into his shell except for the anxiety-driven rants he goes on once or twice a week. And honestly, I think his depression has put me into a sort of depression. I function well when I am not with him, but when we are together, I don't have the emotional energy or desire to put effort into my hobbies. I'm just drained.
Sorry you are going through this.
I have anxiety and depression (although perhaps not to the extent of your dh ... I was just able to go off my meds and so far so good) so I understand your dh's side of it. My question for you is why do you feel you have to give up the things you love because of his depression? Especially since everything you name you can do in an afternoon. Sit and read a book while he plays with the kids. Write in your journal each night before you go to bed. Take the kids to an art gallery on a Sunday afternoon -- I know most around here have some type of family programming on the weekend. Do you think finding ways to work the things you love back into your world gradually will help you better handle all that is going on with your dh and his depression? You shouldn't have to give up everything you want to do because of your dh's illness. My SO still goes scuba diving and rock climbing and works on his home theatre stuff, despite my anxiety and depression.
Not flaming, just honestly asking.
I think you're taking the right steps. I think, deep down, that you already know you're "there", but individual counseling will help you accept it and process it.
I'm sympathetic to his depression/anxiety, but that doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself to them. If you've gone to marriage counseling 7 times in 10 years, then your relationship just doesn't work. I think you know you can't force water from a rock, no matter how hard you try. It doesn't mean he's a bad person or you're a bad person...you're just not good together. I'm also wondering how much the stress of the marriage is exacerbating his depression - if he's going to therapy and his doctor is confident that he's on the right meds, then his depression shouldn't remain this heavy of a weight.
As far as messing up your kids - how is sacrificing your own happiness to stay in a miserable marriage (with a verbally abusive man no less) not going to do that? Your kids want to be raised by two healthy, happy people. If the only way you can provide that is to be away from your H, so be it. Trust me when I say that kids are perceptive and they are resilient. They are going to be OK.
Good luck to you.
I think I know, too, deep down. But it is heartbreaking to me. I have put a lot of work into this marriage. Honestly, we both have. When we first had pre-marital counseling, we had to take a personality/compatibility test. The counselor warned us then that we were in for a bumpy road. He said that we test as highly incompatible, but that he had seen less compatible couples work.
But I am tired of being sad. I am tired of my home having a constant cloud over it. I want to be happy again. And at the base of this all, I actually feel a weight was lifted when I got to this point. I don't know if we will end in divorce, but the thought of separation alone, though scary and sad in many ways, also has given me a sense of relief.