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Husband/Marriage advice needed (long)
I am really worried about my husband. I am not a doctor, but I think he may have an underlying medical problem or the potential to develop one. We found out last year that he has high blood pressure and very high cholesterol. His doctor asked him to come back to discuss, but he refused. Said he would take care of it himself, by eating better and exercising more.
In the past year he has developed ED and occasional extreme pain in his legs that comes out of nowhere and lasts about an hour. He also drink a lot, I think he could be an alcoholic, doesn't meet all the symptoms, but a good number of them. He doesn't think that he has a problem with alcohol, but does admit that it could be a part of some of the problems.
Last week, we had a long talk (after yet another failed try at sex) I tried to get him to go to the doctor again. He refused and told me again that he would eat better, exercise and drink less. He hasn't changed a single habit since then and when I brought it up, he told me to stop nagging him.
I'm really worried about his health, and honestly don't know what to do next. Try to get him to go to the doctor again? I don't think he will go, he doesn't think any of these thing are big problems. He doesn't seem to be able to make any of the necessary lifestyle changes on his own. I'm getting really tired of being told he will make changes, and then him never actually doing it.
This is really effecting our marriage, I don't know where to turn. He really wants to TTC, but the idea of having a baby with him right now makes me uncomfortable (for various reasons). Not to mention, mechanically we couldn't make that happen right now, also frustrating. In the interest of keeping this to a novella and not a novel, I will stop there. What should I do?
Re: Husband/Marriage advice needed (long)
Why do you want to ttc with an alcoholic?
You can't 'get' him to get help, either with his general health or his alcoholism. All that you can do is make what changes in your life you need to make based on his behavior as it exists, not as you would like it to be. He doesn't want to quit drinking? Ok. Doesn't want to get healthy? ok. Don't have sex without birth control. He is not the one who decides when you two ttc; one veto is enough, and you'r emaking it. You don't want to live with an alcoholic headed toward early disability or raise children with him? That's the choice you have to make.
There are lots of nice sober men out there with whom you can make a wonderful life. This guy isn't one of them.
I strongly recommend Al Anon for you.
He really sounds like he wants to kill himself. ED is usually a sign of major blood circulation problems, which when combined with his high blood pressure and cholesterol . . . it sounds like he's on his way to a major heart attack.
Honestly, in your shoes I'd tell him he needs to visit a doctor or you're walking. He doesn't seem to get how serious this is, and I can't imagine how stressful this must be from your point of view. He's not only endangering his health, but his disregard for his own life is putting major strains on your marriage.
How well does your husband handle blunt conversations? If you think that an in-your-face conversation will shock him into some sense, then here is what you say "Honey, I know you want to make a baby, but until your *** is working properly, that isn't going to happen. Cut back on the booze, go to the doctor to get your HBP under control and then we will take about having a baby."
Then refuse all sex with him until he goes to the doctor. I am not kidding. He sounds like he is in some serious medical trouble, and I don't think you should let his sperm near you until he has taken concrete action to remedy this. Plus, between the whiskeydick and ED, I am not sure he could have sex with you at this point.
Now, I am betting that he won't take well to my first approach, so here is a softer approach. Tell him that given his current medical issues, you would be afraid of being widowed with a child to raise. Tell him you won't consider TTC unless he gets life insurance. He will have to undergo a medical exam for a policy and he will be refused. Perhaps that will trigger him to get this taken care of.
I would also be tempted to leave him if he wouldn't get himself cared for. If he is so stupid as to allow this to continue, he is not husband material.
I have thought of leaving, even temporarily to try to motivate change. I need real change, not the promise of change, not a half a*sed short term change.
He is a nice guy, one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He is a very mellow, nice when he is drunk, which makes it easier for me and others to brush off sometimes I think.
I'm struggling because I really do love him and think is a great guy, and I don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water.
If I tell him he needs to visit a doctor or I'm walking, I need to be prepared to walk. I just don't know how to pull that trigger, in a way that shows him that I really do love him. Also, we don't have a ton of funds laying around, I could say in a hotel few nights, but not for much longer. I don't want to go to family or friends, because I don't want them to know about this.
Also, I am absolutely not going to try to TTC right now with him. I would not do that. It's really hard though, I get asked when we are having kids at least once a day. It pains me a little each time, I thought we would have or be near having kids by now too.
Honey, you need Al-Anon.
You are enabling his drinking (because he is a nice drunk, not a scary drunk) and his crappy health choices. You need to stop doing that. He needs to hit rock bottom. You need to say "I am not going to live like this anymore. You need to go to a doctor. I am moving out until you have gone to the doctor, are being actively treated for your HBP *and* you have stopped drinking. If I stay with you the way things are now, I am condoning your slow suicide, plus, if you stroke out while driving, I am putting others in harm's way. I love you and want you to live a long and healthy life with me. What you are doing right now is not making that happen."
I don't have anything to add because this says it perfectly. By not leaving him you're enabling him.
Sadly though, if he is an alcoholic you can't MAKE him change. He has to want it for himself or it will never last. As much as it hurts you need to be prepared to leave him for good. Otherwise this will be the rest of your life- and the alcoholism will only continue to get worse. As will the other health issues.
a bit random but have you looked into diabetes?
my boyfriend is a type 1 and they found out because he was an alcoholic in his teens (sober many many years now). but diabetics do not respond well to alcohol. they get drunker, they get sicker, and the higher their blood sugar, the angrier.
diabetes also affects the legs due to circulation. mine has a lot of random leg pain, and we have to take good care of his feet.
and high blood sugar is also a cause of erectile dysfunction.
type 1 is a 'young persons' disease, but my friend at 32 was just diagnosed. and then there is always type 2. i'd check it out.
Both of these women just gave you the best advice I've seen. Please go to Al-Anon or go to counseling on your own to help with your co-dependence in this relationship. Alcoholics do not get better without help. If he refuses to get it, you need to figure out why you're ok with this and find the support you need to say good bye.
He is a walking time bomb! He needs to get to an ER STAT.
High blood pressure is called "The Silent Killer" and for a very very good reason.
Not attending to high blood pressure can also lead to strokes and kidney failure and other very serious problems.
When your H is home...here is what you should do -- and I would do it tomorrow:
Pick up your cell phone while he is there and call the cops --- do this on the QT in a room where your H cannot hear you making/having the phone call -- and tell them you want a car over there and why. Have them take your H to the nearest hospital. MAKE him go.
Have the car very quietly pull up to your house and have the cops ring your doorbell. Make sure your H is in the living room when this happens. I very much doubt he will give a cop trouble.
This dude needs an intervention with his health, stat. You may be saving his life.
And tell him on the spot he either gets in the cop car and goes to the hospital or YOU will go, straight out the door and out of his life.
Tell him also that if he signs out AMA when he gets there or leaves the hospital, you will sign out of the marriage.
I'm not joking, either.
That he has ED is serious, serious sh!t -- remember that a man's dipstick to his overall health is how his penis is funtioning. He's probably got a nice circulatory issue going on, possible diabetes or another problem.
The leg pain is serious, also.
He needs a battery of kidney function tests, a cardiac profile, (and a possible stent) his glucose checked and a glucose tolerance test, his blood pressure checked and an eye exam -- you can also lose your vision from high blood pressure that is left unchecked.
I am willing to bet he is also obese.
And if he smokes, he needs to quit NOW.
And it goes without saying that he needed AA and a sponsor a long long time ago; the drinking has to go.
He needs an intervention with his help -- and I agree with the rest; you need AlAnon, stat.
I know of a similar case where a guy we knew had kidney problems and diabetes and high blood pressure -- he didn't give 2 flying f@@ks at the moon and let his health problems go unmanaged. He refused to eat right and he refused to quit smoking.
He's already dead and gone, at age 54. Your H is a great deal younger than that; I would not like to see him head down the same path as the gent I am describing.
If I tell him he needs to visit a doctor or I'm walking, I need to be prepared to walk. I just don't know how to pull that trigger, in a way that shows him that I really do love him. Also, we don't have a ton of funds laying around, I could say in a hotel few nights, but not for much longer. I don't want to go to family or friends, because I don't want them to know about this.
You can indeed go home to your family; all you need to say is "It's over and the topic isn't open to discussion."
You can also stay in a shelter.
And you can tell HIM to take a walk -- by gentlemen's agreement he should be the one to go.
Definately this and what the other two ladies mention. Quite more so because I sense he's stubborn like I am and will not get the message unless he hits rock bottom or his entire world is shaken to the point of breaking and more then likely in extreme denial about his health since he's the laid back type like I tend to be about my own health issues.
I just posted on MM, because I'm hoping they will be able to help with the money logistics of this. Here it is:
So, since then I have decided that I will tell him he needs to go to a doctor and stop drinking, or I am walking.
I have dumped the alcohol in the house, that wasn't specifically his. It was just a partial bottle of vodka and a bit of tequila left over from a party, mostly he drinks beer and won't really care. I left his beer alone, because i don't want to start with him pissed, and he should do it himself, I think. I have also decided that I will quit drinking too, it just isn't worth having any kind of temptation around.
I just found out that I will have to be OOT Tuesday and Wednesday. He is OOT now and will not be home til this evening. My question is do I do it tonight, or wait til Thursday when things settle?
If he refuses, I don't really know what to do next. I can't afford to get a hotel for more than a few nights, and I don't want to involve family/friends. I have readied our guest room, so that I can stay if need be. But depending on how things play out that might not be the best option.
Thank you all for your advice, it has been very helpful.
I'm confused as to why you would wait until Thursday "when things settle". Settle from what? Do it tonight. That way you have a few days apart so that he can really think about things and make his choice. I think I'd even tell him he needs to have AA meetings and Dr's appointments set up by the time I get home if he wants it to work.
Don't get a hotel room. DO, however, tell your family and friends that you will need their support, including a room, temporarily.. Look, bottom line is that your family and friends care about you, want what is best for you and want YOU to be happy. As far as what to tell them? Be honest. Tell them that he has no regard for his health, that you're worried and that you're hoping this snaps some sense into him and if it doesn't at least you won't be married to a ticking time-bomb and end up a young widow. You don't need to get into the specifics and that is "involved" as they need to be. I think you'll find that the more honest you are with people who care about you, the more support you'll have. And you're going to need/want it.
And who the hell is asking you on a daily basis when you're having kids? The fact that you haven't told them to fvck off is a miracle in itself. Ways to shut this sort of thing up are "wow, I had no idea you were so interested in my sex life!", "the contents of my uterus are none of your business", "OMG! we totally did it doggy-style last night! We're hoping for puppies!!". Any/all of those should be enough to get people to shut their traps.
Oh, and I would start looking around for a good attorney. Most consultations are free and they will give you a good idea of what you'll need should he decide he'd rather slowly kill himself. I'm suggesting that you do this now rather than later because depending on his decision, you don't want to be blindsided and not have access to financial information, tax records, etc.
"Pray for peace, prepare for war" as the saying goes.
I should have mentioned, the thing that I need to be out of town for is a family funeral. I can explain away his absence, but people will notice. If he does choose to still go, we would need to act like nothing is wrong.
About the kids thing, lol, it's everyone. Him, Co-workers, family, friends, I have no idea why people are so fascinated. I usually just tell them, because we can't afford it (also true), but then you get into the whole "there is never a right time, it will all work out."
My main reason for not involving family or friends, is that if he does make the changes, like I am hoping he will. I don't want people to know, I don't want to sully his name.
Those lines will work just fine for co-workers, family and friends. Or you could just say you're tired of being asked about it so please respect your wishes. As far as your H goes, well he already knows why, right?
I also wouldn't worry about sullying his name. You don't need to drag him through the mud, but you can be honest that he's not taking care of his health and it is a major concern for you. If he DOES change, they'll be just as happy and proud of him as you are.
::pops in from MM:: But that doesn't work. You have already mentioned that if you threaten to leave, you need to be prepared to go...otherwise it's just an empty threat. You don't have to tell everyone you know everything that is going on...but if you have someone you can stay with, then give them the short version of the story and take advantage of the support they can give you. You'll be glad to have it rather than trying to do this alone.
Also, he could see that part as the 'real' wakeup call. If you say, "I've already explained the situation to 'x', and I'm going to stay with 'x' until (insert demands here)"...then he will very likely get the message: You are not fuucking around.
If you go off to a hotel, and refuse to tell a soul about what is going on, he'll likely see that for what it is: a half-hearted 'threat' where you're making sure to keep one foot in the door...which means it's only a matter of time before you'll be back. Also, how likely is it that he knows that you'd only be able to afford a few nights at a hotel, and will handle your ultimatum accordingly with that in mind?
I don't usually post here, but this one has me. My MIL was just like you! FIL was a nice drunk, very functional, blamed her for nagging etc. She didn't want to tarnish his good name (he is a high ranking fire official in their area), and she wouldn't tell anyone. Her life fell apart when she got breast cancer, dh&I got engaged and FILs drinking got worse all in the samr year.
Now, FIL is at a facility of his own free will getting help. MIL is now pissed! She almost lost her son over the issues the drinking has caused and she is telling FIL that if he takes one more drink she is kicking his a$$ out and divorcing him. She has come clean to her parents and their friends about all of this and she is finally beijng supported.
Don't wait until you have lost too much time and too many memories to his drinking. You grow your own spine and you start loving him by loving you! It is love to fight your marriage and to fight for yourself and that's what you need to do-NOW!
I just had to write back to this because I have some of the same problems and I just want to say that you have gotten wonderful advice on here. It sounds like he is really an alcoholic and not only is it affecting you marriage but it sounds like his health is affected too. I have many of the problems you mentioned with my husband, down to the high cholesterol and the "happy drunk" factor. Even the baby thing.
Honey, we cannot change them. I have been reading Codependent No More and it has been a godsend to me. We cannot make them stop drinking. We cannot make them go to the doctor. We can ***, plead, pour out the booze, etc. and nothing can get through to them. We are enablers. We have been making their lives easier by coddling them when they need to hit rock bottom on their own. I bet you even made his doctor appointments for him, because I did. And when you dumped out the alcohol you left "his" beer untouched because you did not want to make him mad. Do you see how you are making things easier for him? What you can do is educate yourself and take care of what you can change. Read Al-Anon books, or go to a meeting. Take care of your health. Do things that make you happy. Cook what you like to eat. You have a choice about how you react to his behavior and you can do what the Al-Anon books say is "detaching with love." It is possible for you to love someone and for you to back away. You cannot "save" someone with an alcohol problem, they have to save themselves. All you can do it save yourself. If that means ignoring him when he is drunk and doing things without him, then do it. If it means leaving for a few days to clear you head, then do it. If it means not picking him up when he is out drinking or not sleeping with him then do it. Do whatever YOU want for YOURSELF.
I have been reading the Al-Anon literature and it has absolutely saved me. I told my husband that I could not live like this anymore and I have been focused on myself. He is responsible for his own choices and I can let him make mistakes. It has been eye-opening for me and has really changed how I interact with him and react to him. And you know what? He may change, and he may not. An Alcoholic has to reach a point where they feel the need to get help, and it sounds like your husband is not there yet. But you detaching and making his life a little less enjoyable may help him come to that conclusion. And if it doesn't, detaching will help you find the strength to do what you need to do, even if that means leaving.
You can PM me if you want to talk about anything, I am still in the middle of this too and I finally feel like I have some peace. I wish you the best.
YOU need help/support too. Even if it's just one person (for now), TELL someone what is going on. Scrap the pride, scrap "his name". Tell someone and ask them to help you.
YOU need support. Don't do this alone. ANd I agree, if he knows you're jsut in a hotel and afraid to tell anyone - he may see it all as an empty threat.
Make it real, and help yourself at the same time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
What I am about to say come from experience. Please, Please Please, urge him to take care of himself. Do what the Doctor wants. Quit being so damned prideful and do what needs to be done to take of himself.
Why ? because my husband of three years died in July of 2009. Major heart attack in his sleep, while I was gone. I came home to find beloved gone. After two and 1/2 agonizing months I finally got the autopsy reports and the findings were devastating.
He had high blood pressure; his heart was 95% blocked; high cholesterol. He alos drank beer, all the time. From the moment he got home to the moment we went to bed. Secondary cause was Ethanol poisoning. Kidney damages, etc.
I found a doctors report for a pre-employment physical that he had three years prior to us meeting. In that report they told him that he had the high blood pressure, his cholestrol was out of control and that he was more than likely diabetic. The ekg strip that was with that report indicated an "abnormal myocardial infarction. He had at one time probably had a very small heart attack and didn't know it.
He was one to refuse to go to the doctor for anything. Our sex life was non existent. (One of the major signs of heart issues; diabetes, etc) He was too much of a "MAN" to go. He could "tough" things out.
What about me? I am "toughing" it out now; as a widow. If I had only known about that report. If i only had urged him to get a check up if anything for me. If he loved me he would...
Tell him that leaving you is not an option. He MUST get the necessary professional help to get the HBP and Cholestrol under control. There's nothing wrong with getting the help; it doesn't make him less of a man. If anything it says that he cares and wants to be around to have kids; and grand kids....
And sweetie... if he drinks all the time; whether he gets drunk or not. He's an alcoholic. I thought the same thing. Just because he drank beer all the time and didn't get drunk or belligerent etc.. he was not an alcoholic. In truth; he was.
Please please please please... urge him to do what he can to live a long life. To not make you a widow. It's not a wonderful place to be at such a young age.
**Edited to add: sorry.. I didn't read all the responses after the initial post. I just read yours and it hit home; hard. I would have probably said I would walk too, had I known. I know this much; I would give anything to have my husband back. And if I could rewind the last three years, I would have said I would walk unless he did what he could to take care of himself because if he loved me, he would.
And don't be afraid to get some help/counseling.
Dumping his booze or any booze in the house won't mean d!ck. He'll only go out and get more.
And if he refuses to get to AA and get clean and refuses to go to a doc, show him the door -- let HIM leave. Lock him out; call the cops if he returns. That's how I'd have this whole thing play out.
>>I don't want to go to family or friends, because I don't want them to know about this.
Get over this right now. You have given your DH multiple chances to choose YOU and he has chosen other things and other behaviors that do not match a life with YOU.
Call someone tomorrow. Tell them very little, and ask to stay at their house. You need to get started on your life right away.
I can also tell you about a 41 year old guy who died of cardiovascular problems; this was last year.
Mick was the brother of my brother's close friend. Same thing -- he did NOT take care of himself. Mick's brother Jeff found him dead in bed.
41 and 54 are much much too young for anybody to die.
Give the police intervention of your H's health serious thought. I very much doubt he will give cops at the door sh!t when you tell your H with the cops as a witness "Either you go with the police to the hospital and get help; if you refuse or sign out AMA, you are out of here --- and our marriage is over."
A patient is only as *good* as the physician advice he or she chooses to follow. Docs can only do so much. They can tell the patient to take the meds, modify the diet or do this or do that but after that, it's the patient's ballgame.
HBP has no symptoms. I had no idea I had HBP; I went to the doc for another problem last October and when they took my BP, it was pretty high.
And btw, who are these no class individuals who want a full inventory of your sex life and the contents of your uterus???
And who the hell is asking you on a daily basis when you're having kids? The fact that you haven't told them to fvck off is a miracle in itself. Ways to shut this sort of thing up are "wow, I had no idea you were so interested in my sex life!", "the contents of my uterus are none of your business", "OMG! we totally did it doggy-style last night! We're hoping for puppies!!". Any/all of those should be enough to get people to shut their traps.
Not so politely tell them it is NONE of their fooking business. They're not your lords and masters.