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Moving out today (long, sorry)
Hi TIP. I usually lurk and sometimes post, but I created an AE for this since very few people know I'm doing this.
Here's the story: My H and I are pretty newly married (no, this isn't Kim Kardashian), and I had doubts before the wedding. My doubts weren't about my H as a person, but about things in our relationship. This might come off as entitled, but the argument started over hiring a cleaning person. FI (at the time) made really good money (like about 10x more per hour than I was making). I was in school full time and working two part-time jobs, but he refused to hire anyone to help around the house stating I needed to "pull my weight" since he paid rent and utilities. Keep in mind, I bought all our groceries, he regularly used my car and rarely put gas in it (though he has two of his own) and I was making monthly contributions to our wedding at the time as well. Our cleaning arrangement would have been fine if I had actually agreed to it, but I felt like I was being forced into servitude because I didn't make as much money as him (which if you ask him, is a completely absurd feeling and I'm just insane). Long story slightly shorter, a couple months before the wedding, I told him I couldn't marry him, and went home to my parents for the day. My parents basically told me I was just being melodramatic, he was a great guy who just needed feelings spelled out for him more (uh...sexist much?), and I should go home and work it out (ugh I can be such a wuss). So that's what I did.
Things were fine for a while, mostly because we both emotionally detached from each other and were living separate lives. I started building a friend base separate from him (red flag 1 was when we started dating, I pretty much retreated from all my friends. This is a habit of mine and I'm working on it), and even a week after the wedding, we weren't really hanging out much. In July, I went across the country to a work-related event for a week, and being surrounding by such talented colleagues who shared my passions made me realize how much I was missing at home.
When I got home, I fell into a deep depression, and started seeing a therapist (individually). Through that process, I developed the courage to actually talk to my H about our problems, how I was feeling isolated in the relationship, and what went wrong. This was not taken well. I felt like he argued with my feelings, dismissed me, and basically put all the blame on me. I even contemplated going on anti-depressants because, according to him, he's done everything right, I'm just depressed, and nothing he can do will change that. Granted, I was (am) depressed, which I'm sure is not easy to live with. But one night, I stayed out until midnight on a Wednesday, and he got super angry, threw our dirty laundry all over our room and pushed all the clutter off my desk, breaking a decorative plate. I freaked out and a week later was on a plane to visit a friend for 5 days.
5 days turned into 10, and while I was away, I decided that unless my H could start treating me less like a child and more like an equal with valid feelings, I was going to leave him. When I came home, after some pretty major fights, we were doing well for a while. We had plans to see a counselor, and then he sort of dropped a bomb on me. He told me that my depression was getting in the way of his happiness, and if I wanted to live in the house, I would have to start contributing more (and yes...I have been spending a lot of time moping around, but I'm also working out more, cooking a lot, thinking, reading, and generally working on myself). He said that he wanted me to stay, but I had to really "want to participate" and if not, I needed to move out.
So I found a place for a couple of months, and I'm moving out. I wish I could say that I'm ok with this, but I'm not. My H has this way of being incredibly cold and dismissive, then feeling bad about it, and compensating by being so warm and loving, I feel like I overreacted to the cold and dismissive part. Not to mention, he'll say things and then deny he said them, which makes me feel even crazier. I have a wonderful friend base that has been incredibly supportive through this process, but I'm afraid they're getting sick of hearing about it. Hell, I'm even getting sick of talking about it. I guess I just wanted to post this to the group because I'd to feel like I'm not so alone in this process. Also, this board is great at calling out the crazy when it sees it, and I'd like either some validation that I'm not crazy and I married a controlling azz, or yes, I am actually overly sensitive and I should be grateful for all the things my husband has given me (his words). So lay it on me...
Re: Moving out today (long, sorry)
Your husband is anasshole. You know it, and you know you're doing the right thing, but he has you doubting yourself and your own instincts. It's time to start trusting yourself and believing that voice inside you when it says "this isn't right."
I forget whose signature it is, but someone on the nest has a quote to the effect of "if you think you are depressed you should first check to be sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by asssholes." Your depression may not just go away because you're not with him, but I'll bet being without someone who makes you doubt and second-guess yourself will go a long way in promoting your mental health.
The short version: You're doing the right thing. This place you're moving to shouldn't be just for a couple of months.
Rule Number One: Trust your gut.
And wow, you bet he is an assholle:
FI (at the time) made really good money (like about 10x more per hour than I was making). I was in school full time and working two part-time jobs, but he refused to hire anyone to help around the house stating I needed to "pull my weight" since he paid rent and utilities.
Who the hell did he think HE was???
You married an entitled douche. Lawyer up and trust your instincts the next time you think about getting married.
Depending on how long you've been married, you might be able to get an anulment.
I think we're past the annulment stage (married since April), but thanks for the advice. I'm working on trusting my instincts more as well.
Jessi is right on the money.
And the whole cold/not caring thing and then "realizing" what he did and then trying to be warm to make up for it? Yeah, you need to Google "cycle of abuse". Your situation has got it written all over it, down to the "well, I'm perfect so clearly its YOU" crap. WTF is that, anyway??"
You're doing the right thing, please don't doubt yourself. And if anyone (such as your family) tries to talk you out of it, ignore them. Abusers are very charming and can win people over very easily and it makes the victim feel even more isolated. (See a pattern here?)
Good luck and keep us updated.
You are not crazy, and his actions are very typical of a narcissist and an emotional abuser. The doubts you had before the wedding were spot on. No wonder you're depressed- anyone attempting to have a life with your husband would be!
You don't deserve to be treated like this. You deserve someone who sees you as an equal and loves you for who you are, not for your capacity to be his emotional punching bag. My guess is that even if your depression magically went away and you morphed into a superwoman who was able to hold down several jobs, do well in school, and maintain a sparkling household all at the same time he would still find something to complain about and come up with new ways to put you down. In his mind, all problems in your marriage will always be entirely your fault.
You may have made a mistake in marrying him, but you don't have to compound it by staying with him. Keep up with the individual counseling, and start making a plan to get out.
He's not a good friend currently. Hell, if you had a friend who treated you half as badly I'd hope you'd end the friendship. You may be losing the idea of him as a friend, but there's no friendship here to hang onto.
What a manipulating MF. Also, the doubts you had weren't just about your relationship they were in fact about his personality! He has always been this person and he will be like this to every woman. Thankfully, you are seeing it.
Also, stop using your friends as your therapist. When you find a lawyer do not use he/she as your therapist either. Get a real therapist. Good luck.
Thank you! And the more I think about it, the angrier I get. In the time we've been together, I actually was doing well in my jobs, extremely well in school until I graduated, and wrote a 175 page draft of a f-ing novel in 8 months. I also did volunteer work for a while, taught myself how to cook, got a job writing while I was still in school (which I quit a couple of months ago because I was so depressed), and was teaching myself latin. I'm trying to apply to grad school now, and it's been almost impossible to focus on that since I'm absolutely emotionally exhausted all the time, but still managed to kick the GRE's buttocks. Rawr!
Ha, this post was more for me than any of you. But I appreciate your empowering words. You're right, I need to let go and continue to work on myself. I mean seriously, when I'm away from him and I really think about it, I'm kind of a bad ass. So yeah, I don't want to clean and decorate HIS house, I want to clean and decorate my own damn house.
He is an *** and he is enjoying being the one in control. He likes being able to boss you around, make the rules, and then tell you you need to try harder to meet his rules. That's not a partnership. It sounds like its easier for him to blame it on you and tell you to take pills to fix it and see a therapist than to admit he had any role in the situation whatsoever and might need to make changes as well. That type of attitude does not make a good other half for a lifetime partnership.
If you are who I think you are, I had serious concerns when you originally posted about being diagnosed with depression and I think you're doing the right thing.
Thank you for your support. I'm most likely not the person you're thinking of, but I remember reading her post and feeling like I could relate, which was kind of an eye-opener.
That's one shytty friend you've got there. With friends like that, who needs enemies.
Dump his azz, move on and live a happy life.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes