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I guess Ill be today's post whore
I thought I'd update you girls on my blood work and let you know what is going on between H and I.
The doctor called yesterday and said everything is fine, thyroid is fine and hormone levels were ok. My hemoglobin was low, but she said that could be from bloodloss. So Im suppose to stay hydrated get well rested and increase my iron. In this pack of pills there are 7 iron pills instead of sugar pills.
As far as the marriage goes-- H and I got into a fight last week over something little that escalated to something big. He has always had a temper but this was the boiling point. We had a small disagreement over the dishes of all things and.. it got physical. For the time being he is staying in the guest room and we basically only see each other for about an hour or two a day. Its grim around here but I told him before he could "move back in" to our bedroom he had to seek anger management. Once he has found out what his triggers are then we will proceed to go to marriage counseling to work on our communication. He is not a monster, he just doesnt know how to communicate his anger. He's gotten out of control before throwing things and hurting himself, punching the wall and Ive asked him to get help in the past and he's never done anything about it. When he put his hands on me, that was the end. I wont put up with that. I love him and I dont want to make him angry like that, but Im also not a victim. So anyway his first appt is next Friday. At what point do you girls think its ok for him to come back to bed? I miss him.
Re: I guess Ill be today's post whore
Well said. I would say that letting him back into your bedroom is really only a decision you can make...and only you know if you feel ready. But how I'd feel, and my gut tells me, is that it's a little too soon.
As much as I'd like to say "never" I do think that the replies the girls gave above are well thought out and good advice.
I didn't realize that you guys were getting to such a low point. I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this, but I hope you understand that getting physical with someone over dishes is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable.
Please get him to counseling (alone & together) ASAP.
The bolded is why I am so confused. We werent getting to a low point. We had been getting along great, ever since the move and my employment we were on the mend. We had a real rough patch last year when I couldnt find work and we were struggling, stress was high but weve been fine ever since March. This came out of the blue. Sure, he's had a temper ever since Ive known him. His whole family does (sidenote: one time him and his brother got into a fight and his brother pulled a knife on him) I have asked him to get help but he never saw it as a problem because thats what he knew as normal. He has never touched me before, and I should say he didnt hurt me, but he could have. He is seeking attention and his first appt would have been today but the counselor canceled bc she has the flu, he was bumped to next week.
Believe me, I know its unnacceptable otherwise I would have let this cycle continue. I just miss him is all.
I'm so sorry.. I also agree with cshisell's comment above. Wait until he goes through the motions and follows through with what he says. Remind him you aren't afraid to call the police if it ever escalates to that point again. There's no excuse.
Don't answer this if you don't want to - I'm curious to know if there's a history of any mental health stuff within his family. For his brother and such to have the similar concerns, that makes me worried.
Good luck. I'm sure your H is a great guy and I'm sure he doesn't like making you feel this way either. Hope he's able to figure it out.
This is a really hard topic for me because I watched my mother and aunt start with the verbal and mental abuse (not all the time) and then it escalated to small shoving and pushing then slapping then choking, kicking, punching etc
My mother never made her ex get help because she had kids she felt stuck but eventually left him after many hospital visits and threatening to kill her.
My aunt he would go get help for one or two sessions and be back to the same guy...and eventually he strayed and started cheating and that was her last straw.
Both men did have a lot of issues from growing up which I do think led to their selfish behavior and anger but that doesn't make it ok.
Now from reading what you wrote it does not seem that way at all.
I will say this with my aunt they were married about a year before he ever even made a comment that would make you stop and think he had an anger issue and I think it was 2 years when he started that and some mind games and by year 6 the physical stuff started and she hung around for another 12 years.
I say this is a decision you have to make on your own when you feel comfortable but I'm going to say this until he has been to a FEW counseling sessions and anger management, you have been to counseling yourself (whether you think you need to talk about it or not you do) and I would say a FEW couples sessions as well I would not.
It's very easy to let someone back in when you see they go once or twice and think things will change.
Just because I saw it first hand but it also wasn't my situation.
I did just break up with an ex and we got into a fight well mainly words and he got very very irate and he slapped me and then choked me until I passed out...luckily this was infront of people who pulled him off and I sent him right to jail.
As humans our emotions of guilt and love get in the way and we often then don't want them to get into trouble. This was even the case for my mom when she started being very bad to us and herself...I never told people because I wanted to protect her.
But we have to love and protect ourselves first.
I really do hope that counseling and anger managment help...it has happened before and I know you would never want to walk out on almost 4 years of marriage to someone who you feel is your best friend but I will say this if it happens again it will happen again and again so please be strong and think about yourself.
Sorry that was a novel!
This is Losocute. Can't figure out how to sign into my name. anyways...
This won't stop hunny. Take it from me. This part of the pattern of abuse. He'll keep saying he's sorry, keep saying he'll get help and put it off. He'll do that until you miss him enough to let it slide. Things will go back to normal. You'll he happy. And then he'll do it again, except he'll hit a little harder next time. He'll be sorry, he'll say he'll get help. You miss him. Start cycle over again. Unless he takes it upon himself to get help without you're pushing him to do so- he won't. Take your son and leave. It only gets worse, I promise you that. I stayed for way to long hoping he'd get help. Hoping that he would love me enough to get help. He didn't.
Thanks girl. I'm much better now, and as much as you hear it and think 'bullshit' I'm a stronger person today than I ever have been. When he would go on his rampages I would go and hide in our closet. It was my safe place. I could hear him screaming and throwing things, but if I got into the corner of the closet behind the door and wait there long enough, eventually he would calm down. He'd come and find me, he'd see me crying in the corner, call me some horrible name and then go away. He'd go in the bonus room and pass out. I remember the night it clicked. I was in the closet...and all of this sudden I was like "what the fvck am I doing in the closet? This is nuts" I left, and havent looked back since.
So. I don't pretend to know your situation. But please, don't let him scare you, or bully you, or beat you, or even make you think it won't happen again. You are better than this. He's not worth it. No matter what you think now, no matter how much you love him or miss him, I promse you he is not worth it. I know what it's like to not want to give up on the person you love most in this world. It is not easy and it hurts more than anything.
The girls on Starting Over have been a great help to me. Even if you just need advice or someone to listen. Some of the newbs there are fvcking crazy- ignore them. The ones that have been around awhile give good advice- but they will tell you how it is. Don't think that they are closed minded, or judgemental. They've been where you are, and they know how you're feeling. How you feel can change with the hour of the day. That's okay. It's normal. Just please please please, step back. Look at this from the point of view of a friend. What would you tell your best friend to do? Knowing all you know, what would you tell her to do? I don't think you'd tell her it's okay to let him back into the bedroom because she misses him.