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Entitled in-laws
So, my DH's brother and sister-in-law are really starting to get on my last nerve. About once a month, we get together with them, their 2 kids, and DH's dad for lunch (their dad pays). EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. we get together, they act like it's a big chore to get together, they're so busy, they've got tons to do when they get home, and generally act annoyed to be there, like they can't eat fast enough. It gets SO old, like, why are we even getting together if you clearly seem burdened by it? Today, the restaurant we went to was particularly crowded and SIL basically threw a tantrum and wanted to go to a restaurant across the street (which was probably just as crowded as it was lunchtime) because her kids needed to eat RIGHT NOW or just leave all together. They ended up leaving in a huff and I exasperatedly said, "See ya!" just because their attitude gets so old and it's so disrespectful to FIL, who just wants to get together and eat lunch with his sons and grandkids. (Plus, how crappy must it make him feel that it's obvious they'd rather not be there?) I probably shouldn't have said it all passive-aggressively, but it was one of those things that just kind of came out without thinking. Is there anything we can do about this? DH seems to think that we can't say anything because we're not their parents and it's just how they act, and I think that it's completely inappropriate how they act and someone needs to say something. (Not me, obviously, since it's not my direct family). He thinks saying something won't solve anything but will just start a fight. I don't know. What do you think? I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to go to these lunches anymore because I can't stand them acting the way they do. Advice?
Re: Entitled in-laws
I wouldn't say anything because they seems like they would just make it a big deal.
Why don't you suggest to your father-in-law that you go out with them every other month and then you and your husband will take him out the opposite month for a peaceful family dinner?
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."- Aristotle
It's not your place or your husband's place to say anything.
Plus, if they are grown adults and act like this, a lecture from you (or anyone) will not make them say, "Gee, you're right, we're acting poorly. We're sorry, we'll change!" They are adults and this is pretty much how they'll be forever. If they haven't realized on their own that they are rude, then they're not changing now. (And get used to the idea of your nieces and nephews growing up to be the same way.)
You can only control how YOU react to things. You can't control how someone else acts and you cannot correct someone else's actions. The only factor in this situation that you can control is you. So, you either need to ignore their behavior, or you need to stop exposing yourself to it.
Plus, this is ultimately in your FIL's hands. It stinks that they are disrespectful to him, I'll absolutely agree with you there. But HE chooses to invite them out for dinner, and HE chooses to put up with their behavior. Maybe he never knew how to discipline his kids, or maybe he just chooses to put up with their bullshiit in order to see his grandkids. Or, hey, maybe it doesn't bother him at all. Either way, it's not your place to decide that he shouldn't be putting up with this. He's made his decision and it's not your place to correct his choice.
Your choices are to either deal with their behavior and keep your mouth shut ... or decline the family dinners and spend time with FIL another day without BIL and SIL. But don't say anything because it will only cause a fight.
I guess I just identify too much with your inlaws to give good advice here; it sounds like these monthly lunches aren't very convenient for them, and that they're doing them out of obligation and don't have the manners (or care) to hide how much they don't want to be there. Honestly, I'd probably feel the same way if my MIL wanted to start doing monthly lunches (presumably your FIL dictates the time and location, right?). We're busy, and I have left a restaurant when my kid has gotten restless (it's hard for young kids to understand waiting to eat when they're hungry). I would be more polite than your inlaws, but I get the sentiment.
So, if you want to "confront" them, do it by asking if there's a better time for them to meet for a meal. Start scheduling a different time to meet up with your FIL.
Oh, they're entitled, trust, but rude is a more accurate description for this particular incident, you're right. It's too long to explain. Everything revolves around their schedule. And our FIL isn't the one who decides when/where. My FIL is retired and has lots of free time, so we go when it's convenient for THEM and they are always the ones to set it up (albeit yes, probably because they feel oligated, not because FIL is making them feel like they HAVE to go). The kids were not being restless; in fact, our neice started crying when SIL stormed out. I get it, I'm never going to knock parents for being busy. I will knock them for being a$$holes though. I just wish something could make them look at their behavior in a different light. They act like this all the time, not just with these lunches. Our MIL cooks dinner for all of us - they tell the kids to hurry up and eat because they need to get home, not even a 'thanks for dinner.' MIL takes us on a vacation to the beach every other summer, pays for the flight and everything, and all they do is complain about how they'd rather be on their own family vacation. Then go on one! No one is twisting your arm to be at any of these things! Ugh. I would love to say that to them (but I won't, of course).
I think everyone in this scenario are pretty passive-agressive.
Why shouldn't your FIL pay? He's the one who wants to go to lunch! I think it's a bit much to expect the WHOLE d*mn family to get together. If spending time with his grandkids were so important, FIL could do so at a time when it works for BIL/SIL - - he could take the kids to McDonalds and watch them play on the indoor gym there. But he wants a sit-down luncheon. That's hard for kids, and it's no fun being the parent who has to tell the child to mind his manners b/c they are with grandpa and aunt and uncle. Hardly an enjoyable "free" meal.
But - if the lunches don't work, your BIL/SIL should just tell FIL that it's not convenient for them, instead of being honest and saying "look dad, lunch (or dinner) time is hard for us. We'd love to see you, but having the "whole family," together at a restaurant isn't fun for us. If you can think of something more famiy (kid) - friendly, we'd be open for a change of venue.
If you don't like the lunches and are fed up with your SIL/BIL, you are free to skip the meals and say no to FIL. Would you feel too guilty for not making FIL's dream a reality? Wow, maybe that's why SIL/BIL don't do the same.
Nothing is going to make them change. They're adults, and if they've grown up thinking that this is acceptable behavior then they're not going to change their ways now. Learn to overlook it. You're going to come across TONS of people in your life who act this way.
As far as why they don't thank your in-laws ... the in-laws keep gifting them with nice things despite their rudeness, so why SHOULD they start saying thank you now? Their behavior works, so they keep it up. They may be rude but they're not stupid.
What to do when the situation arises again, I guess. Which it will, it always does. I'm guessing there's really nothing we can do, like PP said, they're adults and they're going to act however they want. It's just frustrating that every family get-together seems to be made unpleasant because of their attitude.
You're not going to change what THEY do, so you need to change what YOU do. You either learn to ignore them, or you avoid get-togethers with them and see FIL on your own time.
If you want to see the kids then offer to babysit them while BIL and SIL go out, or offer to take them out for the day to the zoo or something.
Yeah, you're right. As much as I would love to tell them off, I know it will do absolutely no good.
A few thoughts.
First, your FIL/MIL have a say here. Their son and DIL act like this, but they still continue to pay for them. The monthly lunches, the vacations, etc. If THEY don't have a big enough problem with this to start saying "we aren't going to pay for them anymore", then your BIL and SIL have even less reason to change.
To a degree, you are all enabling them. All in the name of "the kids". And they probably know that - they know that it's really the kids that you all want to see. So... they do what they want, act how they want, etc, because in the end - you all won't rock the boat for fear of not getting to see their kids.
In the end, I feel like the only way you might have any chance of "saying something" is for your DH to, out of brotherly concern, is to casually, not in a big deal kind of way, say something to his brother about "you know, it seems like these lunches are kind of a burden for you all. I know you all pick the place and time, but you just don't seem to enjoy it. Is there anything you'd rather do instead? Would you all rather not meet monthly? I would imagine you don't want to tell dad that, but at the same time, if you don't enjoy this, why do it?".
Then.... let it play out. Either his brother will clue in a little or he won't, or he'll tell your DH what's going on or he won't.
Or this is all about your SIL "hating her horrible IL's who make them meet every month" (and maybe she's posted here before...
) and his brother is just going to throw up in arms and do nothing.
But... if, IF, you want any chance of anything changing, that is the only way. BUT I wouldn't hold my breath.
And again, really, think about the fact that you all insist on having all this family time largely because of seeing their kids. Not really about them, but the kids.. Is it ultimately worth it? Only you can decide that and in the end, if it is and you all won't change your actions/reactions to them - then it will all continue exactly the same.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
But I'm not an idiot; I can tell when MIL is only visiting to see the kids and not really us.....and while it doesn't always bother me, there are times (especially when we've got a lot going on and it's not a convenient time) when it irks me and it's hard to be polite. Your SIL and BIL can surely sense that you all only want to see their kids, and it likely makes them feel that much more put out by it.
i see a few issues here:
1) if you're going at lunchtime make a reservation so that no one has to wait.
2) if you and dh are so bothered by it I would ask Dh to say something to his brother-or more-ask why they always seem so burdened by the lunches and if he wants to continue to get togeter. perhaps they really are busy and the times/places the ILs plan really are a PITA for them. who knows. Ask if dinner is better or a different place. maybe it's the PLACE that they cant stand-not all of you. for example-i can't stand chain places like applebees, chilis etc... but my grandmother does. if she invites me to lunch i'm always happy to see her but I hate that food and it's tough for me to find anything to eat there.
3) about SIL saying kids have to eat right then or they were leaving-see #1.
Why don't you just pass on the group thing and invite your FIL out for lunch on your own?
Personally, I'd just host in my place with fast and easy cold cuts for the kids and something simple for the adults. Then enjoy your FIL's company and let BIL/SIL and kids come and go as they please. Or don't invite them at all.
Also, our zoo has a great lunch with wheat sandwiches with turkey and ham options. DH and I just love "having lunch" at the zoo while DD runs around.
No reason you can't brig a boxed lunch to one of the kids events to "have lunch" at one of their busy activities.
I don't really understand any flames being directed at OP or her FIL/MIL.
Let's give the BIL/SIL the benefit of the doubt. The monthly lunches are difficult because they're really busy and don't enjoy the production of it all......so........don't go! I think we'd all agree that we'd rather someone say "no thank you" than go along but act like it's repulsive to be there. That's just so rude!
Now, I do agree that FIL and MIL are bringing a lot of this pain on themselves. They should address the behavior. But I actually do think OP's DH has the business to address it (my siblings are not afraid to address issues with each other, so if my sister was acting like that, I wouldn't be afraid to say, "hey, what's up?")