Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Lack of sex drive
I don't know where else to post this, so here goes.
My fianc? and I have been together about 11 months. Our wedding is Aug next year. When we first started dating, I forced myself to be sexual and we had ex about once or twice a week. Then he moved in, and we backed off to once a week. Now it's none. And has been for nearly 3 months. I have no sex drive. I know he does but I ignore it. I have no willpower for sex. I don't exactly enjoy it and I don't feel sexy during it. And so thereforeno sex becomes my habit. I do it to please him and that's about it. Help? What's up with me? I'm in my youthful prime and according to everything I've read, sex is supposed to be fun and an expected part of a relationship. What's wrong with me?
Re: Lack of sex drive
You might have noticed that this is a common theme on this board; not saying that to imply you shouldn't bother posting, but just pointing out that most people, at some point in their lives, go through periods of low sex drive. Point is, you're not alone.
I've been through this sort of thing as well, and I know how frustrating it can be. At times I was angry at anything sexual I encountered: how come everyone else could have sex so easily, while I struggled so much to even pretend to be in the mood?
It might help to try and figure out why your sex drive is gone. It could be any number (or combination) of things. Are you on hormonal birth control? Once I stopped taking the pill, my sex drive came back. Many others say the same. Are you on any other medication? Antidepressants? Have you been stressed out? How is the rest of your relationship - do you feel loved and respected?
I'd spout off suggestions to spice things up, but I know those don't mean much when there's nothing to spice in the first place. My main question is, are you on the pill?
As PP said, I think periods like these are pretty common and the pill could be to blame. You should definitely mention this to your doctor (even it's a bit awkward). If it's not physiological, one step would be addressing why you don't feel "sexy", whether it's buying (or busting out from your cabinet) lingerie, a nice perfume, a great dress, and/or nice heels... Doing your hair and nails (yourself or professionally)....what makes you feel beautiful? Maybe you feel good about yourself after going to the gym or going for a run...whatever works for you.
Also, sometimes setting the mood helps, candles (even LED ones), wine, music, etc...Might be hard to feel in the mood if he has baseball and/or football on 24/7 when you hang out.
As PP said, this might not work, but I hope it does. If you haven't tried it, it's worth a shot.
You can't leave him out to dry - men have needs. You should have needs too! You need to take a look at why you don't enjoy sex, and change the things you don't like about it. If you don't address the issue, he is not going to be a happy camper and it's going to cause problems in your relationship if it isn't already.
It is supposed to be fun, and if it's not fun, what is keeping you from having fun? Is your FI having fun? Talk to him about it, do some soul searching and work it out. It'll suck a lot more if you just ignore the problem.
Here's a personal question - when you guys do have sex, do you orgasm? I found with my ex husband, I didn't really enjoy sex. I never realized it was because I had never had an orgasm.
You mentioned you don't feel sexy during sex. Is it a body-image issue? If so, you may want to see what you can do about that. I have gone through periods where I didn't feel sexy because my weight was higher than usual or when I had something on my body (a scar or bruise or whatever - I'm clumsy, lol) that I felt was not sexy. If it's a deeper issue - if you have serious body-image issues, you may want to look into therapy.
Was there ever any kind of abuse? That can also kill your enjoyment of sex. I have a friend who was molested as a child and she had some huge roadblocks when it came to sex that she had to overcome before she would even consider doing it.
All this has probably been said in other topics elsewhere, but I wanted to put in my 2 cents. It's not that something is wrong - but it is possible that there may be something you will need to work through.