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Feeling just sick about this...
This is an update to my previous post:
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/59907432.aspx
Is it normal to feel sick and scared at this point? I have my first counseling session without dh this Thursday. I feel lonely and scared for what is coming. I feel terrible for my dh and what he must be feeling. He keeps saying he'll give me time, but I know he's sad as I've told him I've pretty much made up my mind and that I am just going to the counselor to get some clarity and direction. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry over the loss of our relationship. But in my heart, I think I know it's the right thing to do. I don't have anyone to talk to. I can't tell my family yet. I've only told two friends and both were supportive, but neither of them quite get it. They see dh only when he's "on" or acting in a good mood.
I think one of the hardest things is right now, my decision would have me leaving next summer when dh goes on to his next assignment. We would live in the city near him (a little less than an hour away). But for some reason, the seven months between now and then seem endless. I don't want to leave sooner because we would be too far apart for dh to see the kids regularly, but I feel like if I stay I am just causing more pain for both dh and I.
I am so nervous and scared and, I don't know what all I am feeling, but it just sucks. If you've been through this, how did you get through it? Did you doubt your decision? If you have kids, how did they fare through all of it? Should I go ahead and leave sooner than next summer to just not drag this out?
I know I am rambling, but I am just so sick over all of this and feel ridiculously unstable right now.
Re: Feeling just sick about this...
I don't have any advice to give but just to say you are not alone in your feelings. I'm in the same boat and so often just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Some days are bad but others are good...
I'm also not sure whether to leave this summer (to stay for the kids) or leave earlier...
Good luck and hang in there! We'll get through this!
um, no...still here...
1. I read your screen name as "GinLimbo" .. which is more intriguing than what it really is
2. To answer your questions: I did not doubt my decision. I do not have kids. I think even with kids, your best bet is to rip this band-aid off. It will be so much easier to start figuring out your new normal if you can start setting it up ASAP. I can say from experience that you probably won't start feeling better/happier/more at peace/content/positive until you change your situation -- literally and physically.
It's hard and it sucks, but it gets better eventually. And the sooner you start taking the steps, the quicker it will get better. Good luck!
GinLimbo might be more appropriate for how I feel right now.
I don't know that I doubt my decision so much as worry that I'll look back and think I made the wrong decision. All of my biggest fears have to do with things outside of my own happiness: economic, my kids, hurting dh. But I keep trying to remember that I actually don't worry about eventually being happy. I know I can be happy again and in some ways look forward to finding a new normal. I am ready to find a way to make this happen, just want to go about it the right way.
Thanks for the perspective.
No problem. And it's nice of you to worry about how your decision will affect everyone else in your life... but yes, you do need to think about your OWN happiness, too. (I know you know that.)
Your kids will be fine. Kids bounce back. You sound like a very conscientious mother, and I think they will turn out all the better for that.
When I left my X, I really hurt him. I hurt him bad. Probably the most he'd ever been hurt in his life. But you know what? He's now been dating a girl for almost 11 months. He seems happy.
Your STBX will move on, too. It may be hard to see it now (it seemed impossible when sh!t went down with us), but it will happen. Everyone moves on. And you will move on too
And I hope that the new life you find is a much happier one than this one you're leaving behind.
This is partially about what is best for you and also for the kids. At the end of the day, the kids need a mom who is emotionally happy and stable.
You can't live your life as a divorced spouse for your military ex husband. You need to figure out a way to co-parent long distance. You need to be where you feel the most at home and stable, with the kids. He can come visit, the kids can go to him for summers, etc. It doesn't need to be hard. If living an hr away from him is a good idea, then do it. But what happens if he gets re-assigned overseas? You can't go with him! Do you work? What about employment and stability for you????
Get a lawyer to find out what options you have for a custody agreement in this situation. Especially since he likely has PTSD, suicide attempts, and other factors at play.
Finally, you are not a bad person for ending the marriage. I would encourage you to go to therapy to get better for your kids, for yourself, and to learn to stop blaming yourself. It took me months to feel normal again, but I got there, and you will too. It's ok to grieve the end of your marriage. But at some point, you need to stop wallowing.