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Hi. Newbie here.
Just wanted to introduce myself! I have been lurking on TN boards for a little while and used to be pretty active on TK. I have never been married and have been in my current relationship for 2 1/2 years. I have a dog who is my everything. His name is Stoney. I think I'm about to be newly single and I'm terrified of "starting over". Here's a little about my story.
BF and I started dating 2 1/2 years ago and broke up last November for about 3-4 months before getting back together. We actually almost became engaged just a few weeks back. His engagment plan didn't pan out and it didn't happen that weekend. Things have been tough lately due to some stress on our circumstances and we fight incessantly. It's getting the best of us and I don't believe we are going to make it through. He is my best friend and I always imagined building a life with him. He would be a great father and husband. However, if we can't get through this rough patch than I truly believe we cannot get through a marriage. We haven't talked or seen each other in almost a week. Mostly this has been my choice... he has asked me to come over and grill out or go to the dog park, but I feel so uncomfortable with that at this point that I have been turning him down.
I think we are both considering moving on but neither of us have the courage to make the final say. And plus, if I say "we should probably break up then", he replies with "That's all on you". Like it has to be blamed on me. I don't think it's anyone's fault. We are both good people, we just can't stop fighting and the love and passion is gone because of it.
I live across the country from my family and jobs are extremely hard to come by in my profession. I have a few good friends here but I hate the town. In some ways I fantasize about moving to California or Seattle, maybe Colorado and just starting over since there isn't a position available by my family. But at the same time, I am constantly moving and starting over. In the past 5 years I have lived in 4 different towns (3 different states). I so badly am ready to just dig my heels in, start a family, build a home, have friends... just stability. The older one gets the harder it is to fit into a new place. I'm almost 27 for those who might be wondering. Oh, and I forgot to mention. I have a great job and have a good income but I have large monthly payments for student loans and my BF currently helps by paying my utilities and cable/internet bills. He has also bought me a lot of the furniture I have in my apartment (we don't live together). I know finances aren't a reason to stay with someone, but it makes it scary to break up.
Well that's about it, in a nutshell. I paved over all the personal details of who said what and everything because not even I want to hear about my own BS so I assume no one else does. I'm very much open to hearing any encouraging thoughts or stories and hopefully getting to know some ladies around here!
Re: Hi. Newbie here.
I'm pretty new here as well. Just posted the other day because I am pretty sure that I need to leave H.
If you are honestly seeing signs you shouldn't continue this relationship, don't. The longer you stay with him and the more involved you get with this, the harder it will be to leave. You said he was going to propose to you a few weeks ago. Would you have said yes?
As for your age, 27 is not old in any way to start over. I'm a little older than you but I know people who start over far older than that. It is definitely scary but not as scary as waking up at 57 and realizing you just spent the past 30+ years with the wrong person.
I wouldn't make any rash moving decisions. I, too, fantasize about just running away and living in California or New York or a dozen other places. But it is probably best to deal with one thing at a time.
If you cannot afford your student loan payments and to pay your bills, you can probably get them reduced. Call the company and explain your situation. Tell them you want to pay but cannot afford your bills while still making the large payments. They might even let you file for a deferment.
Good luck!
To me, this says he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore either, but the thought of ending it and making such a big change is paralyzing him, too.
This staring contest can't go on forever.
It sounds like you know what you want (and need) to do, but the thought of making such a big, scary change is stopping you. I know how you feel -- but people have dug themselves out of way more. And you don't even live with this guy! Really, it will be easier than it could be. People have left with mortgages and kids and a billion assets that needed to be divided. You can do this.
And if you hate the town you live in, then start looking at jobs in places where you'd like to live. Your life can and should be what you want it to be. Make it happen!
/motivational speech over.
This is a huge red flag to me, as one of my ex-BF's has said that to me as well. Basically means that he doesn't have the balls to break up with you, so he's waiting for you to do it to make you the "bad guy".
Relationships don't have to be this hard. I wish you luck, and welcome to the board!
My XH used to say things like "That's all on you" to push the blame back on me. It's a terrible thing to do in a relationship and it's not your fault. I would just leave him. You're lucky that you aren't married and don't have joint assets yet.
I would hold off on moving across country until you're more settled. Fantasies about moving are just that, fantasies. Real life issues will follow you where ever you go--you'll still need to work hard, pay rent, and pay back your student loans. You might want to call up your loan company and ask for an income based repayment (IBR) which could lessen the amount you have to pay each month.
27 is still young--I just got divorced at 27. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, take this chance to be happy.
It sounds like your mind is already made up. However, maybe sitting down and making an HONEST list of pros and cons will help you out. GL!
Thanks fellow newbie! I'm sorry you're going through everything with H. I will have to go back and read your post to know more about you.
As for my loans, I have thought about doing that. It's not that I can't afford it, but at this point in my life I want to be able to put some money away and I wouldn't be able to. Even if I could defer for a little bit to get on my feet that would be helpful. Although I just want to get the pain in the butt's paid off!
We should run off to California together, haha. No, you're right. And besides I really need my friends here to help distract me during the break up. Friends are serious heavent-sent gifts!
Yes! It's very annoying. And I'm afraid he will make it out to be "I moved there for her and then she just ups and leaves me". But honestly, he made the final decision to move here. I asked him to but I insisted that I only wanted him to if he was HIS decision.