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How often does your mother call you?
This is an ongoing issue that is affecting my marriage. My mother calls constantly. Multiple times a day, every day. Leaves messages on home phone, then calls cell phone and if I don't get to it, leaves a message there about the same thing as on the home phone.
DH and I were in marriage counseling from march till last month and this was a topic/issue that we discussed multiple times. I have now TWICE had to politely put up some boundaries (since March) and tell my mom to stop calling so much and to back off. And again, it has not gone well. She is being very immature about it saying that I am trying to exclude her blah blah blah.
She is single and has been for most of her life since my parents divorced in 1996. My only sibling, my sister, now lives in Germany and they talk or skype sporadically. She is retired but many of her friends are not or have other responsibilities so I end up being the person she automatically calls. She called me the other day from her cell phone to have me call her cell phone because she said she didn't think it was working correctly......makes a ton of sense when she could have called her cell phone from her own home phone!
She always calls at the worst times....essentially after 5 when I have cranky kids, trying to cook dinner, clean up from dinner, do baths and spend a little time with them/DH before they go to bed. Then after they go to bed, I just want to chill with my DH after being a SAHM all day...not spend the next hour listening to her negative, overdramatic conversations.
It is smothering me. Any advice would be great. I have asked her to limit calls after 8 pm so I can spend time with my husband who has been gone all day, and to not call at all between 5 and 8 as I mentioned earlier---cranky kids, dinner, family time, bath, bed, etc.
Re: How often does your mother call you?
The thing about boundaries - they aren't so much about telling the person what they can and can't do. it's about YOU deciding, usually through action, what YOU will or won't do. STOP answering the phone! That's the boundary.
Sure, you can tell her "don't call between 5 and 8", but you need to also say "I will not be answering the phone" and then you do exactly that- DON'T answer the phone.
That is how you set boundaries. It's on you to set them, it's really not so much on her to follow them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
DO NOT get the phone when she calls if you are not expecting her call.
Let it go over to voicemail.
SHe'll get the idea real soon that you are not at her beck and call and demand whenever she rings you up.
And if she fusses or whines, too bad. Keep up the endeavor: let it go over to voicemail.
THis woman seriously needs a hobby, something else to do or a job. She can't spend all of her time calling you.
My mother is deceased, so although I would love a call from her occasionally, that's not gonna happen.
I used to have a friend whose mother would drive her batty with the constant calls. She never told her how it annoyed her, but over time, I could tell that her frustration and resentment of her mother would seep into daily conversations. I would be on the phone with her and her call waiting (a horrible invention IYAM!!) would beep and it would be her mother, and she would go into "victim/I have to talk to her" mode.
She was an only child, so I think she felt obligated, but IMO, only child or not, if you're doing something that is ultimately going to destroy your relationship, you need to set some firm boundaries, and enforce them. She didn't. I felt sorry for her - her mother was a really sweet lady and I think their relationship could have been so much better if the resentment from my friend's side wasn't an issue.
THIS. Put your foot down.
I'm just curious... you said that this issue has come up during marriage counseling. What does your H think about this?
I'm in a similar situation, except it's my H's parents that I think call too much. If he doesn't answer, they keep calling until he does. Most of the time they don't talk about anything important, but they still keep him on the phone for 20+ minutes and I feel like it takes away from our limited time together. Oh and the worst part is his parents apparently don't talk to each other (even though they are still together) so he has to talk to both of them about the same things! He's talked to them about boundaries, but like with your Mom, it didn't phase them. I know I don't really have a leg to stand on because I talk to my mom and my sister on the phone and sometimes the conversations are pretty long (but my convos w/my family are a lot less frequent and I let them know when it's not a good time!)
We are hoping that as long as we stay true to the boundaries that we've set (with both sides) they will get the picture eventually. Have you ever thought of answering the phone and saying "Mom, now is not a good time to talk I'll call you when I can".... I don't have kids, but I would think that this work best if you had screaming kids in the background. Good luck to you!
This. Turn off your phone and/or don't answer it.
My mom and I talk every day- be it by call, text, or e-mail. She is also single and has been since I was a baby. I am also her only child.
She doesn't live near any family. So I know that she really wants to have someone to talk with. I try to empathize w/ her but yes, sometimes it's annoying and she seems to call at the most annoying times. That being said she has put her own boundaries on herself- not calling before 9am or after 9pm and tries not to call (but still texts, etc.) when my husband is home.
I agree w/ putting your cell on vibrate. Don't call her back until you have time if you don't want to talk. If it's putting a strain on your marriage, you definitely need to talk to her about that! Let her know you love her and understand she doesn't have many people to talk to but that you feel a little overwhelmed with your phone ringing off the hook. Hopefully she gets it, understands, and corrects her behavior.
Just remember she loves you and that's probably why she calls so much.
Set up phone date nights with a time.
If she calls outside of that time, let it go to vm.
Encourage her to pick up a hobby or take a class or volunteer so she has something to do with herself.
no excuses. you've either not been clear about boundaries or haven't stuck to them.
my mom is single too. i'm an onyl child. we're extremely close. i email with her during the day and talk to her after work 50% of the time. she's one of my best friends and i appreciate her more than I'll ever be able to express.
if your mom is pushing the boundaries STOP ANSWERING THE PHONE!!!!! if she calls at 5 let the machine pick it up. if she calls cell, dont answer. let her call both until she stops. you can also shut off the phones or set the ring tone for her to silent. when she finally asks you why you didn't answer you can tell her that it wasn't a good time.
I just have one question... do you answer the phone every time she calls? If so, that is your problem. Stop answering the phone and call her when you have time. If she asks you why you haven't been answering just be honest. Tell her that you have a lot going on and you can't always drop what you are doing to talk to her on the phone.
Either way it sounds like you are her hobby. Take that away and she will find something else to busy herself with.
One more thing... don't feel guitly for not answering the phone.
Thanks for the info---there are times that I flat out don't answer the phone....that is when she leaves multiple messages.....then when I call her back, I get grilled about not calling her back promptly.
Other times, I do answer the phone, especially with a screaming child in the background so she knows it is not a good time....but she keeps talking anyway.
She is one to keep tally, very tit-for-tat so I am always reminded of missed messages, unreturned calls, etc.
I guess I just need to not answer the phone at all between 5 and 8.....maybe that will help her understand I mean what I say. And then be choosy after 8 pm.
How do you respond to her "grilling"? Because this is all on you continuing to enable her behavior. You are under no obligation to answer the phone every time it rings and you are under no time deadline to return calls. And you are under no obligation to listen a grown woman complain about you living your life and enforcing boundaries.
Ok so it sounds like the boundary you set was not call between 5-8. Do not answer calls, return her call at 8.
Did you set a boundary that you will talk to her once per day? If so you need to enforce that as well.
If she is mad you didn't call her back until 8 then remind her of your rule. If she presses the issue, "mom, i''ve already been over this with you now do you tell me why you called or should I let you go?". Also, "mom stop grilling me you know I am busy between 5-8, we don't need to get into details." change the topic. Rinse and repeat. She will get it eventually- be consistent.
"Mom, the more you respond this way when I return your call the less likely I will to call you. I am going to hang up now and will talk to you tomorrow when I have an opportunity to do so. If you bring this up again, I will hang up the phone. Bye.!
And dont' always call her back THAT DAY. Wait a day. Give yourself some distance. She grills you? The first time you say "Mom - I didn't answer because it wasn't a good time. I've told you this before and it hasn't changed and I will continue to not answer.". She keeps grilling you? "Mom, I'm not going to argue this with you. If you dont' want to talk about something else, I'm goign to hang up.". SHe keeps grilling? Then you hang up.
Then everytime after this she grills you, "mom, you know why I'm not answering. I have to go now. Goodbye" and hang up.
STOP entertaining her drama. She does it because she gets something out of it.
Heck, she lists to you all the missed messages, unreturned calls, I think all I would say is "Yes, you're right, I didn't return those calls". Period. There is nothing to hide, deny, or argue against. "yes, you're right". She keeps going on, then the same as above "Mom - as you dont' seem to have anything else to talk to me about, I'm going to hang up.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with not answering her calls. Period. Turn the ringer off, use the caller id etc And definately don't give explanations about why you didn't hear the message or whatever.
We had/have this calling issue sometimes with Dh's family. They'll call the house (no message)...call my cell (no message)...call Dh's cell (no message). Then the house again...will leave message. Then the cell phones...same thing...LOL. Now they have started to text the kids "where are you"?
It's gotten better, but sometimes it rears its head.
Is it annoying? Sure. We just really try to give no response. If you leave a message, we will listen to it and get back to you. Not one time has this frantic calling/messaging been because someone's arm was hanging by a thread.
Sounds like she's terribly lonely. And from her end, while she might get your complaints, I can see where she's internalizing your requests as cutting off her only true intimate outlet and friendship. From that vantage point, I think I would encourage her to accompany you to one or two sessions with your counselor (talk to them and see if they think that's a good idea)...hearing it from a third party might click for her if she's not at the same time made out to be "nutsy" looking or you being angry at her (I know you aren't angry, you're frustrated with the situation and timing and intrusions). It might lead her into counseling of her own that will help her realize she needs to attempt widening of her own social circle and outside interactions.
In the meantime, unplug the phone and turn off your cell once your husband is home to give yourself a break.
That's such a small but very very important distinction that I think a lot of us tend to miss. I'm glad you pointed it out. I think when I thought I was putting up boundaries with my parents I envisioned it very much as putting a fence up so that they would not trespass X Y or Z. It was too long a time for me to understand that it was supposed to be "all about me" ... standards I'd put for myself about where I was willing myself to go or not go. I will testify that when viewing it as the fence, things only became worse and I became more resentful.
My mom and I talk 1-3 times per day - we both initiate the calls and we both enjoy them. I am close to my mother and we have a strong bond/relationship. My talking to her 1-3 times per day or my best friend or being on thenest doesn't impact my marriage nor has it ever been an issue or topic of concern.
So for YOUR situation ... I would have a point blank conversation "mom I need you to limit calls after 5pm to emergency only calls - our family is very busy in the evenings" ... or a less confrontational method would be when she calls after 5pm, you answer and immediately say - sorry, we are busy right now, have a good evening talk to you soon" .... If every time she calls and you say "sorry I am busy right now, have to go" she will get the hint.
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