can cheating be passive aggressive?

Sapphire70 · November 2011

So I read a post on a divorce blog that a man who no longer wants to be married may cheat so that his wife is the one to end it (so he doesn't actually have to).

This makes so much sense with my situation. StxB created an entire social life - dinners out, movies, going to work parties, drinks at the bar, vacation, trips to the local amusement park, etc that I was never invited to join. I think he just didn't want to be married with kids anymore. The cheating could have been a passive-aggressive nail in the coffin so that I would be the one to finally say "enough"

What are your thoughts?

kellandragon · November 2011

In my case, no, he was a douche that had a record of cheating and is still with the girl he cheated with. I have seen this though and for some reason they find it easier to cheat then to flat out say "I don't love you anymore and I want out." I always told my XH that... If you don't want to be with me anymore just tell me and I'll let you go, don't make a fool out of me. He made a fool out of me. He tried to tell me he didn't mean to fall in love with this other girl who happened to be one of my best friends. I told him "I believe you didn't mean for it to happen, but when you realized what was going on you didn't do a dam thing to stop it. That's what the problem is." So I think it can be passive aggressive but it's still not an excuse.

hainesherway · November 2011

I absolutely think it can be. I will never know for sure, but I suspect my XH wanted to be caught cheating so that I would leave and he wouldn't have to put any work into our marriage.

Mia2700 · November 2011

Absolutely. There are cases of both men and women not having the balls to say they want out and instead make their spouse feel that the only option is to leave them. Then they even get the bonus of telling the sob story that they were left. Funny. People never want to just own shiit, instead they like to pawn it off and play the martyr.

pbear · November 2011

Yes. I think my ex-h did it for that exact reason but something changed and he decided he wanted to stay married to me. I'm not sure what happened exactly as you all know I didn't find out he cheated until a year after we separated and 3 years after it happened.

MintChocoChip · November 2011

Mia2700:
Absolutely. There are cases of both men and women not having the balls to say they want out and instead make their spouse feel that the only option is to leave them. Then they even get the bonus of telling the sob story that they were left. Funny. People never want to just own shiit, instead they like to pawn it off and play the martyr.

Yeah, amazing how easily people play the "victim" hard when they're left. It doesn't matter if he/she was a raging alcoholic/drug abuser and cheater..they were the one who was left by their spouse (gasp!)

achase123 · November 2011

I think that it CAN be passive agressive and I've heard of situations like this, but I don't think that was the situation in my case. I think XH cheated because he got a sick sort of thrill out of living a double life, on the one hand to the outside world he looked like a doting husband who was expecting a child. The other side of him was a cheating drug addict who trolled on Craigslist casual encounters for a quick thrill. He might be an exception to this situation though as I'm fairly certain he's a sociopath/psychopath. That's not ex bashing either, btw, my counselor was the one who mentioned this.

achase123 · November 2011

MintChocoChip:

Yeah, amazing how easily people play the "victim" hard when they're left. It doesn't matter if he/she was a raging alcoholic/drug abuser and cheater..they were the one who was left by their spouse (gasp!)

Oh does that ever sound familiar!

pdx18 · November 2011

I totally think it can. It was in my case only I was the cheater (flame away, it was wrong). I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex and really couldn't get up the courage to leave. I was miserable (and know he was cheating to some extent as well) but really felt like I didn't have a good enough reason to leave and I should try to make it work. Inevitably that led me to making a bad decision and kissing an old flame. I left the next day knowing I could never stay in a marriage that I had betrayed. The behavior was so out of character for me that as I tried to sort it out in therapy, it was really me "acting out" in a way that I knew would force me to leave.

LadyLissame · November 2011

It is. and I didn't give STBXH the satisfaction. I made him decide because, honestly, I wanted it work. But he kept lying and wouldn't leave her, so I told him he had to choose.

can cheating be passive aggressive?

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