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What do you guys think?
So I finally had a check-in conversation with my DH since we have been separated for awhile now and we had agreed to check in after some time to discuss next steps.
It was a long conversation but I wanted to share a snippet of it because what he said just left me curious as to what other people thought. Basically, my DH admitted he got married because he thought it was the right thing to do, not because he wanted to...he said he just has never really known what he wanted in life and never put much thought into it until he started counseling (when we got married, I thought it was what he wanted, after we were married for a few years, I got the sense he didn't know what he wanted so this comment is not a surprise, although still sucks).
Anyway to the point of this post, he would like to start over with me. He says he does love and care for me but he would like to start seeing me more to see if any deeper feelings develop. So essentially, we would be starting over and dating again.
My initial reaction? Oh you don't have deep feelings for me yet after all this time? I also thought eh why don't we just divorce and date rather than stay married...I mean there really isn't a marriage at this point.
Anyway, I asked him what happens if he doesn't develop these feelings - how am I supposed to plan my future with so much up in the air?
He said I need to live in the moment more and not worry so much about the future and planning. I didn't agree with this statement.
He did ask what I wanted and I am just not really sure anymore. I feel like what I want is not possible so I feel stuck in a no-win situation I guess. I know I need to think this all through more. But anyway, those are his wants I guess.
Is it really possible to just start over and re-date the person you have been married to for four years (of course we are working on our issues as a couple and individuals during this time too)? Do couples really do this and find happiness again and fall in love again? Do people really wait for their spouses to develop deeper feelings for them? I mean is this seriously an option to consider?
I am just not sure anymore about anything. I am in counseling so I know I will figure it out but I'm interested in seeing what people's perspectives are on this whole let's start over business.
Re: What do you guys think?
My question is, if deeper feelings haven't developed in the 4 years you have been together, what are the chances they ever will develop?
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
What do you want?
This is the guy who beat your dog?
Find someone else to date.River - I pretty much asked that exact question of him and his response was I needed to live in the moment more and not try and plan so much or worry so much. He also said he viewed the separation as a starting over chance so I don't know if that meant his feelings started over? I don't know, I was confused by his response.
Mia - Ideally, what I want, if time travel were possible, is to go back to the beginning - before all the missteps and mistakes. We both really do see clearly where and when and why it went all wrong. There was a time we were happily married and so in love (or at least me) and it all seemed so hopeful and wonderful and perfect even when it was hard and there were bad days. I just don't know how to get back to that point, if it's even possible. I don't know how to feel that way again.
I don't know the back-story on this so my thoughts may not be relevant.
I have mixed feelings on this one. All marriages have ups and down times... and I am all for reconciliation if possible but both of you have to want it. There are risks to all relationships with how the future unfolds whether you are with your h or if you choose to divorce and have a new relationship. I think we all question what we want out of life many times along our journey and I do believe marriage is sacred and precious and should be saved when possible as long as abuse, cheating and the like are not involved.
Love isn't just feelings... it?s a decision to commit.
I wouldn't divorce unless you are 100% sure as it may just be a big rough patch you both need to get through.
Yeah I agree with this. I'm not sure how I would feel about this either, but like PP said.. after 4 yrs of marraige and XX yrs of dating, he loves you, but wants to see if deeper feelings develop? Also, I'm not happy about his comment to you about how he never should've gotten married ... etc... that's BS. Obviously, this is a decision YOU have to make, but if it were me, I would not allow myself to be a slave to his feelings and whether or not he is going to feel any for me. I would make up my own mind and go with it. If you decide to stay for him to "see if deeper feelings develop" and you start falling more in love with him and it's not reciprocated, then where does that leave YOU?
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I think you need to tell him to go f*ck himself, he beat your dog. But that's just me.
I agree with this. His statement doesn't even make sense. You're fvcking married for crying out loud, and he wants to give it more time to see if he can develop deeper feelings for you? He either wants to spend the rest of his life with you or he doesn't; and right now he doesn't.
But why do you care what he wants anyway?
lol. Jade23, I don't want to laugh at your situation, because it sucks, but please just know that you won't be able to post anything on this board about your H/STBXH without everyone saying, "but he beat your dog!"
And I mean I agree with them, but yeah. You will not hear anything other than "leave him" from this board, so if you find yourself wanting to post anything re: "should i stay with him?" the answer will be no. So don't even bother.
I must've missed that story about the dog being beat. Does he have a history of abuse? Doesn't sound like a guy that's worth your time and energy.. sorry, just my opinion. You def deserve better!!
I agree. Cut him loose!
I do recognize that most people will bring up the dog issue regardless of what I post; which I know is a big issue and I am still working on that part of the mess
BTW this isn't a stay or should I leave him question post. I am just curious to see if people think, in general, relationships can start over and feelings can come back stronger than ever. I am curious. I don't know what I think yet.
I feel like maybe I should clarify that he didn't just randomely beat her after a bad day or something, she attacked him and he "punished" her. I still was completely disgusted, didn't agree with it and he knows I haven't forgiven him for it. He is in counseling and has shown remorse - I'm not sure what else I can make him do. I don't want people thinking he just came home one day after a bad day and beat her or that he beat her more than that one time (he knew I would leave if he did it again). Maybe this doesn't change anything, but I did want to clarify because I do think the two scenarios are not the same, although what he did is still wrong and I completely understand people's stance on this issue 100 percent. I am still just coping with it myself.
Like someone said earlier, I do feel marriage is a commitment and love is a commitment. It is incredibly hard for me to break my commitment. It is a deep moral dilemma for me that I know people won't always understand and I get that. I do not feel disrespected though if people want to repeat the dog issue or tell me to leave. I get it. It's just not as black and white for me. I hate that it isn't but it isn't. I am so conflicted and feel a moral obligation to my marriage. The guilt is unbearable at times.
I must've missed this too. This comes to show that without knowing all the in and outs.. its hard to give proper advice.
FWIW, I have an aquaintance who separated from her H (not sure if they ever went through with the divorce), they both did individual counseling for a while, and then they did start over and date each other again. Last I heard, she was planning on proposing to him soon. That is the ONLY time I have heard of a situation like this. I think KJewell (something like that?) separated from her H for a while but is back together with him now, so you may want to talk to her about it.
If there's any chance that you DO want to try this sort of thing, I would urge you not to go through with the final divorce, only because it will be expensive to divorce, and then you'll have to pay to get married again. So, it will cost more in the long run. If that's not important to you, more power to you.
Also, there are better ways to discipline a dog than beating the poor thing, FFS.
Okay, the dog issue aside, it seems like he's not acting as though your feelings are important here at all. You're supposed to just date him, in case he decides he loves you, and not have any hopes or promises about the future, just let his feelings happen as they happen. It's all about him and how he feels, with no credence given to how this scenario would feel to you.
Would you go on a first date with a guy like this? A second date, perhaps? Or would you give this all the hell no and pick another guy if you'd never been married to him?
This is off the topic, but dogs don't generally just attack their humans. And there are ways to discipline a dog that doesn't include abuse.
One of my dogs (who is a therapy dog) "attacked" my sister's husband and my first question was "well, what did your husband do to Duke to make him feel as though he needed to defend himself?" Obviously, this wasn't the response they were looking for me to say.
Come to find out sister's husband was drunk,yelling, irate and tried to grab my dog and pull him off the couch. Yeah, he deserved MUCH more than what Duke did to him. All Duke did was give him a warning growl, he didn't even snap at him.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Sometimes we can get caught up in the guilt and not see things for what they really are. Have you tried individual counseling that can go over with you your thoughts on this? I highly recommend finding a really good therapist to help pick at your mind and organize what is trigging your thought and your reasoning?s bheind it. It may give you the answers you need.
I honestly would not give him the chance to string me along for another few months..or even....years.
It sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants but is afraid to be alone. So he's trying to keep you hanging around indefinitly.
and I understand the commitment/guilt aspect but you committed the the marriage under false pretenses as he wasn't entirely honest with you.
You deserve better.
All red flags from your original posts, all reasons to move on. I would suggest therapy to figure out what YOU want and why you are willing to stay with someone who puts you down, beats your dog, and you don't feel compatible with. There are better men out there, give up on this one.
Oh, and his "let's date for a while" is his way of keeping you while fvcking other people.
I'd feel pretty insulted if my husband of four years told me "maybe" he could develop deeper feelings for me and then told me my problem is that I don't sufficiently live in the moment. I wouldn't be too inclined to accommodate his wants.
As to your general question about whether couples can successfully start over, I think maybe they can, in very limited cases, but only if there was something genuine there at some point. Your husband, however, has admitted that he's never had those deep feelings for you and got married just because he thought that's what he was supposed to do. There isn't anything to "start over", there's nothing to recapture.
Also, I think your husband is doing the same thing now that he did when you got married- I don't think he wants to be with you, but he feels like trying to save the marriage is the right thing to do, and he's suggested this "maybe I can learn to love you" nonsense in a very half-assed attempt to convince himself that he did everything he could to make it work. Ultimately, I don't think he will choose to stay in this relationship for the rest of his life. Whether you go along with his idea or not, the outcome will be the same, only one of those options is going to cause you a lot more pain in the long run.
Doesn't this speak volumes to you about the state of mind you are in right now? OP, listen to what we are telling you, don't backpeddle. At the very least, take some time to really clear your head and think about this. Go to a counselor to sort out your feelings. Trying to make a decision like this when you (quite obviously) are not in the right place won't end well, I can promise you that.
Everything you post screams that you are all sorts of confused and are grasping at straws trying to save a sinking relationship that, quite frankly, doesn't worthy at all of fighting for.
I stopped reading after this. My Magic 8 Ball predicts: "No officer, please don't arrest him. He didn't mean to hit me. I made him mad."
I didn't make it thru all the posts, and I guess I'm not familiar with the dog story, so I'll just way in on the topic at hand:
I am all for trying to make things work, if you both feel invested enough in the relationship to try and make that happen, but keep in mind if you're "starting over" with dating things are going to be very different for you and your H. Based on what you're saying, it also kind of sounds to me like he wants to have the benefit of the security of the relationship but wants you to feel more easy-breezy with what your expectations are. Another thing to consider is that he could decide he wants to stay in this new "just dating" phase indefinitely. A friend of mine went thru that, and it turned out her (now) XH just didn't want to be the "bad guy" who filed for divorce - he wasted a ton of her time and energy all for nothing. I'm not sure it's something I'd want to do.
Hoo boy. I've been in your shoes, jade. My XH also wanted to separate and try to date to see if he could develop feelings. We were in marriage counseling at the time and I remember saying something along the lines of "fvck that idea". But, the MC thought I should give it a try, so I did. One date. One incredibly awkward date and I told him I wouldn't do it again. It was incredibly degrading that my H, a man I had spent 10 years with, wanted me to jump through these hoops to be with him. Fvck that noise.
Yeah, turns out he wanted to string me along just in case things with his girlfriend didn't work out.
I think you're going to realize one day soon that the moral obligation to your marriage doesn't exist. You have a signed piece of paper and nothing more...there is no marriage. I'm sorry.
Also, he beat your dog. That's not something you work through.
Yep, this was my thought as well. Coming from experience, if a guys beats a dog, you'll be next.