Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need Advice
I recently got married in June. Things were rocky from the start as my husband and I did not live together prior to the wedding and had settled on our home 2 weeks before the wedding. So there were a lot of adjustments to be made. In July he became very standoffish, by not spending as much time with me, going to friends house without inviting me, and not wanting to do things. In August I started to become concerned and went through his phone and found that he had been talking to another women sexually since mid July (1 1/2 months after we got married). THey had sent naked pics to one another, and were talking about meeting up for a "quickie" amongst other things. He denies that anything physical occured and that it was all text. He swore he would never do it again and there was nothing else that needed to be known. Mid October he left his fb logged on and I found out through his messages that during that time period he was having sexual conversations with more than just one women, a total of 4. I found this out 1 week before I found out I was pregnant. I can't get over what he did. I don't trust him and think he will do it again. Now being pregnant make the situation even more difficult. Any advice?
Re: Need Advice
I don't think your H is going to change. He's proven himself to be a cheater. Given that, I think you consider your child.
If you have a son, do you want him growing up to learn that wives/partners don't deserve respect? Commitment? That it is ok to be a cheater, leave his children behind while he pursues his reckless sex life?
If you have a daughter, do you want her to grow up to believe that this is what a relationship looks like? Worrying about your partner's texting habits? Thinking about what's going on in her partner's Facebook account? Worrying every time her partner is late from work that s/he is running around with somebody else?
Deep down you don't want your child, boy or girl, to believe any of those things. You want your child to know that partnerships depend of commitment, and trust, and faith. You want your child to live fulfilling relationships, that make him/her a better person. You want your child to be happy to be in a relationship, not grow up skeptical and nervous and not able to trust freely.
So go with that. How are you going to teach your child what a good, stable, safe relationship looks like? By staying with your cheating H, or by living the relationship (someday) that you want for your child?
I am so sorry that you're going through this-I can't imagine your pain. I do believe, though, that you are strong enough to do the right thing here.
1. How does your parents' beliefs affect your decisions about your marriage?
2. Leave his parents out of it. This does not concern them either.
Things were rocky from the start as my husband and I did not live together prior to the wedding
Then I guess I should just be waiting for my H to cheat on me because we didn't live together before we married.
I think that's a cop out to blame it all on not living together.
That aside, counseling for you both if you want to save your marriage. And worry about what's best for you and your baby, not what your ILs or parents think about divorce.
I am dying to know what his family said when you told them.
OK so Im a little confused..."things were rocky from the start" "im pregnant"
WTF were you thinking? Your marriage had problems from day one and you thought getting pregnant was a good idea? Birth control works wonders...oh, I know you used it and it failed.
Even if you didn't find out the "full extent" until after you found out you were PG, it was JUST IN AUGUST (only 2 months earlier) that you found out about the first chick. And all based on him "swearing" he'd never do it again, you just swept it all under the rug and moved on and pretended everything was fine? And then decided having a kid w/ him was a good idea? All within 2 months?
What's done is done, but really.... moving forward, take your time w/ major life decisions. That's really all the advice I have right now.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Not sure what advice you're looking for, it seems you have already made your decision (which I think is a wise one).
We all make mistakes and you're doing the right thing by not allowing yourself to stay in this situation with a cheater.
Stay strong for you and your baby. Tell your family, you might be surprised how supportive they really are. And as far as him not "believing" in divorce? He shouldn't believe in cheating either. His actions has caused the end of this marriage. Remember that, don't let him try to guilt you to make you stay.
Really? How could things have been "perfect" when he was just sending naked pics and referencing quickies within 3 months before you got pregnant.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but it sounds like you didnt think this through. Why on earth would you willingly bring a baby into this mess without going to counseling after the initial problem? Please get in counseling, this is probably going to be a hard and emotional pregnancy knowing you'll be a single mom when this baby comes.
Good lord, this is exactly where my brain is going.
And I'd wager dude never intended to be faithful therefore, what good are his marriage vows anyway? Why is divorce considered a bigger sin than fuuking around on your wife?
Click me, click me!
I think you have some boundary issues, aside from your issues w/ your DH.