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need holiday help!!!
I have no idea what to do. For years, MH and I have tried to see everyone on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We finally decided to cut back and alternate holidays, things were just too crazy and we were being run ragged. So this year is Thanksgiving with my side and the day after with his. I don't get along with my ILs- we've always been polite, but we are extremely different people and it is tense and awkward when we are together. We make small talk, but we just don't mesh well.
My mom called me today and told me that she has called my ILs and invited them to my family's Thanksgiving day dinner. They accepted. I am mad because now our holiday schedule is messed up. I don't really get along with my ILs and don't see my family very much. I want to enjoy my holiday time with my family, not feel like I have to entertain my ILs and make sure everyone is getting along!
I don't want to hurt my ILs feelings, so since the invitation has already been extended I know it can't be taken back. MH and I are considering staying home for Thanksgiving and just telling people something came up and we can't drive back (9 hr trip, so would be understandable).
What would you do? Obviously mom crossed a line. She claims that it is her house and she can invite who she wants. True I guess, but she invited my ILs without asking us! I know she just wanted to help, but it has made things worse.
Re: need holiday help!!!
Does your mom get along with your in-laws? Does she know how you feel about them? She probably should've asked you first, but it's a little late for that. If it doesn't go well this year, she will have learned her lesson. If it goes well, then you will get to spend more with both sides of the family and might not have to travel so much/split up all the holidays in the future.
I wouldn't cancel, just go and hang out with your side of the family and act respectful and polite towards his side. You are not the hostess and, therefore, don't need to make sure everyone is getting along.
My mom gets along with everybody. She doesn't know my ILs very well, she hasn't spent much time with them. She knows that there have been some problems, but doesn't know details.
Since my ILs will be at my family's function, even though I am not the host I know I will feel responsibility towards making sure they are doing ok. They haven't met the rest of my family except for the wedding and rehearsal dinner.
I am just so mad, MH and I had a plan finally for the holidays and my mom had to go and interfere.
It's always been best for us to keep things separate also, I just never thought I'd have to bluntly explain it to my mom! I will definitely need many good bottles of wine to survive the evening.
I guess we will probably end up going. I am still in the freak out mode of having just found out today that our families are merging without us wanting them to. We both really want to just throw in the towel and stay home
I actually feel worse for MH, he's really nervous about his parents meeting everyone, they are a bit odd.
If your mom gets along with everyone I wouldn't worry about the ILs too much. If it's awkward all around, I would bet that the ILs will cut out early and give you time to spend with your side of the family. I think you are overstressing. It would probably be even more awkward if you and your H didn't show up.
I'd be mad, too. You've been put in a terrible position. But skipping out at the last minute seems awfully passive-aggressive.
I think you should let the pieces fall apart a bit. You're immediate reaction is to rescue the holiday for everyone else and that makes you mad, and it should, because you are being manipulated. Again.
You've been pushed around for years, "running yourself ragged" and the very first year you put the new plan into motion, to do what's best for yourself, your mother and ILs come up with this?? Are you friggin' kidding me?? I'm sorry, but I don't buy the innocent routine - for EITHER of them. They both know how awkward and uncomfortable this will be for you and they don't care. Your mother said so. That's is her home and blah, blah. Your ILs know they don't know anyone and that they are going to heavily lean on you. They want what they've always gotten form you - a holiday with you at any cost.
You have two choices - decline outright, being honest and making the point that this is not what you want for your holiday, or go and let them fall apart. It's fine if the holiday they've forced on you isn't that great for them. In fact, it's probably best.
And I know I am coming across a bit strong. I'm sure all these parents are very nice people. It doesn't mean that nice people don't act selfishly from time to time. Stop letting them.
I would spend Thanksgiving at your mom's house with everyone, then announce that you and your H are skipping Christmas.
I don't care for my ILS either (some of them). If my mom came to me with the "it's my house I can invite who I want," I would remind HER that I am under no obligation to spend Thanksgiving dinner at her house, and tell her to enjoy the meal with the ILS, b/c you will not be there.
Also, don't feel you have to "fix" Thanksgiving for your parents or your ILS. Both of them knew that they don't knew each other and agreed to meet up. They are adults. Since you weren't involved in the decision, you don't have to be involved in making the holiday go smoothly.
I want to enjoy my holiday time with my family, not feel like I have to entertain my ILs and make sure everyone is getting along!
Then don't. They are all grown adults. It's not YOUR JOB to entertain and make sure everyone gets along. Really, it's not.
And focus on your entire visit home to enjoy your family. So, ON Thanksgiving, there will be a few hours where your IL's will be there - then there is the entire rest of your day and your visit to have "alone" time w/ your family.
My IL's have become hard to spend time with. Talking to them about anything always falls flat. I see it, DH sees it, my family sees it. We make an effort to include them, but in the end, we all just talk and tell stories and laugh w/o worrying every moment about them - and we end up having a really nice time.
If I focused entirely on my IL's, I would have a miserable time. So I don't. I focus on everyone else who is there. And I have a very nice time.
You DO have the ability to make a choice here about enjoying yourself.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Go this year. You'll be the one looking bad if you don't.
and let your mom that you would have liked her to discuss asking your ILs before she invited them since you had planned to do this holiday separately already, so that she knows for next time.
yuor mom crossed a line? SHES hosting and SHE can invite whoever she wants.
you hve a choice-go and enjoy your day or not go.
you dont have to entertain them. surely there will be other people there besides them. say hi, be nice, and make it your business to talk to your cousin the whole day.
I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments! Husband is very strongly not wanting to go and just stay home this year. I am as well, after sleeping on it. I think we have decided to stay home for sure, but will explain openly to ILs and my mom why we are staying home and not pretend like something came up, which def. is passive aggressive but I didn't really care the other day I was so mad!
Again, thanks!
I realize I can't make you change your mind but I think that your intended plan of action is going to dramatically change your relationship with both your parents and not in a good way. In my head, this is going down as a two year old throwing a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way (foot stomping, crying and all). I realize that the situation is upsetting - I'd be angry if my Mom did that too - but I think that by a) not going and b) telling them that you're not going because your Mom invited ILs is only going to make things awful for everyone else too.
If I send you a bottle of wine will you re-consider??
lol if you send me a bottle of wine I'll go anywhere you want me to!
We would not throw a tantrum- this isn't about not getting what we wanted, this is about us feeling manipulated. I will admit, I am still a bit undecided as to what to do at times. DH feels more strongly about not going. We both feel manipulated and like they are treating us as kids, not adults. We made plans, then they went behind our backs and changed them.
At this point DH just wants to stay home. I guess we would just tell my mom everything I typed here- we feel manipulated every year and like nothing we do for the holidays is good enough for anyone, so this is the last straw we are staying home this year!
No, it doesn't. It's not a tantrum, its an adult decision. She can invite "whoever she wants to her house" and you can decline as a result. No offense to you ILs, you will see them on Friday as planned.
Have to say - Brava!