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Random Wednesday night thoughts on love
I am trying to do some work right now but a thought just came to me and I wanted to put it out there. It might be semi-sparked by something I think I read on here a while ago. Something along the lines of "we tend to think we like people who like us"
I think with XH, I stuck with him from dating to engagement (and marriage of course) because I liked (appreciated? was flattered by?) how much he liked me. He did whatever I wanted to do. He usually gave in and said that I was "right." He did little things like change the oil in my car for me or leave a note on my windshield in the morning. He often said that he "could never live without me" and was so grateful that I had chosen him. He practically worshiped me. (Yes, it was very unhealthy)
But I was taken in by that. I couldn't see past it to my own feelings for him. He obviously treated me well and was nice to me. He made me laugh and we had a good time together. I thought he was good-looking. I guess I thought all of that was enough and I would never need more, especially given how much he obviously cared about me. But I didn't do him the service of examining (and vetting) my own, free-standing feelings for him.
It's actually still a struggle for me to trust my own feelings. On the surface, things seem straightforward. I like The Artist; he likes me. I have a good time with him, he makes me feel happy and smart and alive and appreciated. I respect him and his accomplishments. I am hoping that these are meaningful things. I am hoping that these things (at least some of them) actually matter. I want to be with someone who loves me, but I don't want to be so smothered by it that I can't find my own feelings in the pile of lovey notes and good deeds.
well, revelations, one a time..
Re: Random Wednesday night thoughts on love
And I would take it a step further by not only describing what happened, but why it happened.
Why did you need an ego stroke more than you needed an equal partner?
I think when you can honestly answer the "why" then you can begin to trust your feelings again.
When I was in high school, and somewhat beyond that, too, I found that I always thought that a guy was more attractive when I knew that he was into me, too. I'd like to think that I've moved beyond that, but you're right, it's sometimes difficult to trust your own feelings. XFI also constantly referenced how I was too good for him, and he didn't know why I was with him...I felt like I was on a pedestal, too. Makes it hard to respect the guy back when he's a little TOO self-denigrating along with being adoring of you.
Along with a billion other little things, yes, it does.
Interesting post.... have YOU ever been the pursuer? Have you ever found a guy who didn't show you interest and pursue him because YOU were into HIM more than he was into you?
Or have you just always ended up in relationships by default (meaning, he did all the pursuing, and if it was good enough for you, he'd win the prize of dating you)?
uhh I guess I have. Last time it didn't go so well. Then I was the one to initiate contact with The Artist on OkCupid, but after that point, he did a lot of the work.
It's probably more common that we all think (i.e., for the guy to initiate, pursue, and then the girl "gives in"). Haha. Look at all those movies and sappy chick flicks.
- 10 Things I Hate About You, She's All That, Titanic.... etc etc etc
I could go on forever. But bottom line is the guy is usually the pursuer (whether the girl wants it or not), and then ultimately it turns into a relationship.