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I'm so confused
But what else is new?
Things are going really well with A. We've discussed our opinions on marriage, finances, and children. Oh, the children. A would really like one of his own one day where as I am still undecided. Well, I was decided then I started thinking about a future together with him and I know it can't include DS and I if I don't have any more kids. He is very understanding of my reasons for being unsure but I just don't think I can keep seeing him knowing that I probably won't have any more. After many long conversations with myself and my sister, I've really come to the conclusion that I just don't want to raise another child. I love DS more than words but another one? I never saw myself having any ever before getting pregnant-and now I know why.
Here's the confusing part: There is a small piece of me that does want a child with him. He's such a loving person and great with DS that I can see it happening.
I don't know what to do here. I don't want to stay with him, fall even harder, feel pressured into having a child then end up being resentful. But I don't exactly want to end it either (which is the selfish part of me coming out).
I feel like I keep beating a dead horse talking about this but it keeps coming up. I see where A is coming from I'm just a little confused as to why people seem to think I have to have more than one child to be happy. If I were married would one-and-done be more acceptable? I'm not sure.
Re: I'm so confused
I don't think people think you need more than one child to be happy but that they don't want you to sell yourself short on having a family with someone you love and will (hopefully) be with for the rest of your life. I think if you were married, a one-and-done would be more acceptable to people because you're not missing out (for lack of a better term) on the "mommy, daddy and baby" life that you don't have now.
This is the reason that people are likely telling you not to get your tubes tied and cross future children completely off the list. You're young and have a whole life ahead of you. You're still raising a baby--how many mothers went through pregnancy/labor/newborn stages claiming they would "never do this again" only to one day want it after the initial shock wore off? Do you really know you'd be okay with never having another child? It doesn't see like you're fully set on this, and that's okay.
I'm not a mom and have always wanted kids so maybe my advice is not so good, but if you're at all thinking that you could have children with this man, I wouldn't break it off yet.
My honest opinion? I think that even if you did come around to the idea of having another child, a part of you could still resent A. Just by reading your posts on the topic, I can see that you have no desire to have another baby. The only reason you're unsure is because the idea of ending an otherwise perfectly good relationship is scary and you don't want to do it.
It's good you guys have had talks about this topic. However, does A realize that you're more like 90/10 when it comes to not having anymore kids? At least that's the impression I get from your posts.
Thank for the reply. I realize now how over-the-top crazy having my tubes tied sounded and I'm off of that (thank God).
I'm going to come out and admit something that maybe mom's aren't supposed to but here goes-I just don't have the patience to deal with more than one. I don't want my body to go through that again. DS was sleeping through the night at 3 weeks old and for a week that he woke up once for half an hour it was awful for me. He is very mild mannered, eats well, is happy and just so pleasant that I can't imagine what I would do with a child who wasn't. I realize I would have a partner to be doing all these things with me, however, it still doesn't appeal to me.
I'm a fvcking mess huh?
I think he does. I was very honest about it with him when he asked. I wasn't going to go back and forth with him on it and lead him on. It's not fair that he give up something he wants.
When my oldest was a year old I DREADED the idea of having another baby, all those sleepless nights, being pregnant again (yuck), etc. I was like no thanks, not any time soon. HOWEVER, I always knew that eventually I would go through it again b/c I wanted 2 kids.
I don't think there is anything wrong with only wanting one child. Being a mom of one is hard. Being a mom of two is a nightmare. Beyond that I shudder to even think about it (which is how I know I am done having children). Of course being a mom is a fantastic wonderful thing and the benefits and rewards outweigh the negative moments but it is very hard work and never easy.
I think you know you don't want any more kids and that is fine. I think you can only picture yourself with a kid with A b/c the relationship is going well otherwise. But if you stick it out therotically this relationship will go one of 2 ways assuming you stay together. A will give up wanting more kids and will settle for being a stepdad, but he may resent the fact that he never got to have children of his own. You give in and have another baby with A but you might resent him for that or feel like you got talked into it. I have no doubt that you wouldn't love your 2nd child just as much as your first and that you would be a great mother of however many kids you have. But I do not think talking yourself into being open to the idea of another kid is worth staying in a relationship for.
I know that I am done having kids. I HATE being pregnant and will never ever do that again. If once I am divorced I find someone else he would have to either a. having his own kids already or b. be okay with being a stepdad and not having his own children. Otherwise it would not be the right person for me and I know there is no changing my mind on that one. I'm not sure if anything I said helps at all. Just trying to offer my opinion as a fellow mom who is CERTAIN she does not want anymore kids.
Yeah see that's what I mean. I want him, but we don't want the same future and that's fine. I would never want him to settle for just being a stepdad if that's not what he wants. He's a wonderful person and anyone who had him would be lucky to.
I guess that's the end. I knew it was going to happen, I guess I was just hoping it would change.
Why would you say you're a mess? Because you don't want a 2nd child? That's ridiculous... you're allowed to feel how you feel, no apologies.
I don't have children and I don't want children... does that make me a bigger mess? Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you're hard-wired to want to breed and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!
If you really care for A, then I can see how you could imagine having another child with him... but that's just a fantasy. You know the reality and that is what you're basing your decision on... that seems healthy. I have to admit, I never really wanted to children, then I met D. Seeing him talk about his children and seeing the kind of father he is, gives me the urge... just a little bit. But I know I'm too selfish to make that kind of commitment and if I had to pick a baby over spending a month in Italy with D... I'm going for Italy
You feel the way you feel and there's nothing wrong with it. How long have you been with A? Maybe it's worth giving it a little more time to see if your feelings might change and maybe his will also... but if you're firmly set then it might be best to let him go.
I (obviously) don't think a woman not wanting a child is a mess at all. Like I said earlier, I didn't either until it happened. A month in Italy sounds fabulous
A and I have known each other for over two years but have been together for about 3 months. I don't think either of our feelings will change and again, that's ok. It's a shame to have to let him go but it's what is right.
I don't think because you admit you are happy with only one child makes you a mess. If more people were honest about how they felt about being a mother they would be happier. You did it once are happy with the results and don't want to do it again. Be happy in your decision. It is hard work raising children. I am sorry this might be a deal breaker for you and A but it is what it is. Neither one of you should have to settle.
Sorry if I came off harsh... so didn't mean to, sometimes my fiestiness get's the best of me.
Sorry, it's not going to work out but you should be really proud of yourself for finding that out now and having the strength to let him go so you both can find a better fit. Good luck!
I agree with this. When I originally read your post I was going to reply about how maybe you just don't want to deal with being pregnant, the infant stage, sleepless nights, breastfeeding, being so tied down, etc and maybe that's why it is sounding so unappealing. I was also going to say that I feel the same way, mostly because the idea of of going through it all alone again is absolutely sickening. It was not a good time in my life and it brings up all of those memories so I was thinking YOU were feeling the same way.
However, after reading your responses I don't think that we are in the same boat. Despite all of that, I know that I want more children (maybe one, maybe two) and I would do it all over again, given the right circumstances. you seem firm in your decision NOT to have more children, and that's ok. I don't think you need to call yourself a mess at all. You are being honest. With A and with yourself and that is completely admirable. The calling yourself a mess is likely coming from conflicting feelings you are having. You love and care for A, yet you are also clear that you don't want to have more children. So you know a difficult decision has to be made and you're already feeling sad about letting him go. It's ok. That's normal. But you are not a mess by any means.
I agree with achase. From the OP it sounded like you were on the fence but from your responses it seems as though you really don't want kids. You're far from a mess--a mess would be not realizing this, getting KU and then resenting him for the rest of your life.
It is a very difficult decision and it's good that you're being honest with yourself and with A. Good luck with your decision regarding the relationship. You have to do what's best for you and your LO.
Thanks for your support ladies, it really means a lot.
I'm glad this came up early with A before it went any further.
It's very exhausting hearing "Well, you ARE a single parent, you might change your mind when you meet the right person". I have to keep repeating "I don't need a man to make a decision like that.", or "It's not that, I just don't want anymore, ok?". Some of my extended family have a hard time understanding this. Thankfully, my parents and sister are very understanding.
Thanks again for listening, I know you guys can always be counted on for a little perspective
I don't know your whole story, but based on what I've read here, I agree with pp above (the bolded part). It's ok to not want any more kids - there are definitely times I feel that way too (although for me it's 10% don't, and 90% do want more).
I'm sorry you have to make the decision but it sounds like it is for the best. GL and big hugs (((((HUGS)))))!