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did all your exs try to work it out?
Maybe its not true of everyone but ...it seems like everyone who posts about ending their marriage has StbXs that are begging to stay...
Mine didn't seem to give a #%^$. After I told him I believed he was cheating and that I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore he said okay and moved to the spare bedroom. Later I brought it up once or twice, I guess I was trying to figure out how our marriage derailed, and he gave me a few excuses/lies, which I said I didn't believe, he said he didn't care what I thought, then it was basically over. The end. Later, we'd calmly discuss custody and he contacted with the lawyer and sent me excel sheet that split our marital assessts (starting hilariously with the sports equipment and power tools yet neglecting our children's furniture I might add).
I've since gone to the lawyer and filed our separation papers.
I'm interpreting his lack of "trying to work it out" that he wanted out and was even relieved that I cast the first stone calling him out on his suspicious behavior. But part of me fears that he is in denial and will freak out later (like when he is served divorce papers).
thoughts?
Re: did all your exs try to work it out?
At first my ex didn't care at all and was actually very calm and understanding when I said I didn't want to be married anymore. Then one day he came home, before I moved out, and was a hysterical mess- begging and pleading to try counseling again, wondering if he worked hard to change if I'd give him another chance, etc. When I said no, there was nothing either of us could do to save the marriage he backed off but then started sending flowers, emailing love notes, showing up at my work to bring me lunch and being super clingy. I moved out quickly after the papers were filed.
I later learned that the only reason he wanted to work it out was because he'd met with a lawyer who explained in our state pre-marital debt remained with the person who it came with, marital debt was split 50/50 and assests were divided accordingly. ex-h came with over $50,000 credit card debt, $30,000 home equity line of credit and a $250,000 interest only mortgage that he had never paid a single dollar of principle too. He hid all of his debt by having his bills sent to his work or his parents house. He chose not to pay those bills, so his bank account was in the positive and actually reflected his income minus the house/utilities/gas. I learned of his debt when his truck got repossessed. When his lawyer basically told him there was nothing he could do to make me responsible for his pre-marital debt, he gave up and the process was easy. He never tried to work it out because he really wanted to save our marriage. He only wanted to work it out because he is incredibly selfish and greedy.
My XH just waited for me to make all the moves. He was done with the marriage, but didn't lift a finger to do anything about it.
--In the beginning of the end (as I like to call it), the day I flat out asked XH if he still loved me anymore (answer was no), was the day he started sleeping on the couch.
--He had been looking at apartments for 2 weeks when he went to the bar with his female co-worker, and only her (she was the one I had suspected he was having an affair with). At 4am, when it was clear he wasn't coming home, I texted him and simply said "You need to find your own place sooner rather than later. I'm done living like this". The next morning he started moving stuff into his mom's house. To this day, he claims I kicked him out, but 1) you can't kick someone out who has one foot out the door and 2) I never told him WHEN he had to leave. He's the one who chose to do it the very next day.
--Fast forward 2 months. XH had spend all Thanksgiving weekend with me, staying at our house, acting like a family. He event went hunting with my dad, who he hadn't seen/talked to since he moved out. A month later, after the holiday's, I was done with my marriage, I told XH I was going to file for divorce and he simply said "ok".
--I hired an attorney, I filed the papers. XH didn't lift a finger.
So, to answer your original question...no, my XH didn't try to work it out, other than the completely mixed singals from Sept-Nov 2010. He was done with the marriage long before he told me anything about it...and even then, I was the one to bring it up.
My XH (did nothing wrong, divorce was my idea) tried to work it out for the first couple of weeks. We went to one therapy session together, and I was quite clear about the fact that I wasn't changing my mind. He "realized it" soon after that and stopped trying to get me back, or whatever.
I felt shiitty through that whole process, though. What a thing to do to somebody.
Different b/c it wasn't a divorce, only a long-term dating relationship, but...
I had a bf who treated me very badly. Really took me for granted, was flirting with other women in front of me and over the internet (this was when the internet was brand new!). Of course, none of these women would have had a relationship with him, so he felt that he was doing nothing wrong (although if someone took him up on his offer, I'm sure he would have had no loyalty to me).
Anyway, whenever I brought up that I wanted out (in a fight), I would get the pleading, the tears, the "you're the best thing that ever happened to me..." etc. etc.
I guess my big breakthrough was when I realized it didn't matter to me if I was the best thing that happened to HIM, I needed to break up with him for ME!
What do YOU want? If you think the relationship is over for you, it shouldn't matter if your stbx will come around begging for another chance. If you think that your marriage still has hope, then contact your stbx and tell him you'd love to work things out if he sees any possibility of the two of you fixing your relationship.
I know it's hard but try not to worry too much about his reaction. Regardless of how they react the bottom line is you know, and we all knew it was over. How you get from point A to point B doesn't matter in the end.
FTR my ex STILL wants to work it out. It's really an obnoxious annoyance that irks me to no end since I deal with him bi-weekly for supervised visitation. I feel like beating my head against the wall sometimes since I refuse to keep explaining to him that he's delusional. I just don't answer anymore when the subject surfaces.
XH dragged me along during the beginning stages of the separation. Once I decided to file for divorce, he didn't beg me to stay. He dragged his heels during the divorce and made everything as difficult as he possibly could out of spite, but he didn't actually want to be with me. He was just pissed that I stopped putting up with his BS.
Well after the divorce was final (but we still owned property together), he called to give me some sanctimonious speech about how he would always care about me and that if I ever needed anything, I could give him a call. I snorted and hung up. Fvcking narcissist. He's basically living out of his car and in debt up to his eyeballs, but yet I'm the one who needs help. Um, yeah.
Sometimes I'll find myself wondering if his new wife ever knew about his level of ***...that he was talking out of both sides of his mouth, that he was the one dragging out the divorce. I honestly want to know how stupid she is and what level of screwed up she is in order to think he's a catch.
Are you serious?
Mine wanted me to stay, begged me, weeped for me to stay... until his sentencing was over. Then the next day he was talking about getting our divorce over with and was all of a sudden not bothered.
Then, when he realized I would be filing for child support and he would have no visitation/custody (AKA lose control/power) he wanted to work it out again. Then he got pissed and tried to bully me.
He only wanted to be with me as long as it would benefit him.
No. Actually, I had the opposite experience - and it shook me to my core. One of my biggest struggles with my divorce was feeling SO much rejection from a man who I truly believed loved me.
The beginning of the end for us was my saying "I can't do this anymore. We either need to go to counseling or it's over." That day my ex started sleeping in the guest room and he never shared our bed with me again. We went to a counselor once - we didn't really like her style and she was WAY more than we could afford, so I set off to find someone else - XH would never again attend counseling sessions with me. I really truly believed in our marriage and I wanted so badly for us to be able to work things out, but he just started to shut down and it started to become clear he just wanted out. The more XH withdrew from me, the more desperate I became - pleading with him to please try and make our marriage work.
After a lot of counseling (on my own) and reading the "Rebuilding" book it became really clear to me that in my own instance (and this sounds pretty typical) XH wanted out of our marriage for a long long time, he just didn't know how to get out. My opening that door gave him just the escape he was looking for, so of course he immediately began withdrawing from me emotionally.
I don't want to size up your relationship for you, and I'm sure our situations are not exactly the same, but it sounds like maybe he was in a similar position - just looking for an out, not wanting to be the "bad" guy. I don't know all the details of your individual story (there's a lot of them to keep track of around here), but I'm sorry you're going thru this. It sounds like you're in an okay place in your divorce. Keep on keepin on!
Yes he wanted to work it out but only because after I left it meant that he had no one to control any longer. He literally sunk his claws into the relationship and would not lessen his hold. For a couple with nothing (no kids, no house, no claim of mine to his 401k or anything--I just wanted some money and a divorce) our 3 months of bitter negotiating was insane.
Even at the courthouse on the day of the divorce hearing he wore his cufflinks from the wedding, showed them to my mother, apologized for being an assshole and then asked if my mom would ask me to reconsider the divorce. We were at the freaking courthouse!
So yes, he tried to work it out, but never because he really loved me, only because he loved to control me.
I was the one who begged my cheating ex to stay and try to work it out.
I was also 5 months pregnant at the time. Fast forward 7 months... and I make him choose between the tramp ir his family and he chose divorce.
I think I needed to feel like I tried everything I could to work things out. I feel like I did, and that he was the one who wasn't trying because he kept lying and sneaking around with her.
It's so ironic that you posted this.. I had this SAME discussion with STBX last night. We were discussing what to do with our house and I broke down telling him all about what I posted yesterday (how the last loving thing he did for me was when I was preggo 5 yrs ago) and when I told him I wanted a divorce, his non-reaction made me further realize I was making the right decision. He continued to tell me that he DOES care, and even though he may not be emotional about it like me, he sits at work and thinks how embarassing it will be to move out and tell people he's getting divorced. Really? Again.. he's not sad he's losing ME... just embarassed he's getting a divorce. I completely feel your pain.. it hurts so bad to realize the man you married really truly does not give two flying f**ks that you're leaving. But, this just reassures me that I am doing what I have to do. We all deserve better!
Nope, nadda, not at all, not even an ounce or a split second of hesitation.
Honestly this hurts so bad. I didn't see it coming. Up until he told me out of the blue, we were giving daily hugs, trying for baby #2, selling our home so we can rent a cheaper place for me to be a stay at home mom.
On the other hand, since he completely rejected me 100%, I knew I had to move on pretty fast and I don't miss him because he basically killed my heart since he did a quick clean shot at me. Evertime I think of him, I hurt. When I hurt, I can't think of the good times very well. I have also been amazed with how much support and love I get from friends and family so I know I am heading in the right direction.
When I confronted him that I knew about him cheating, he asked if I thought I could ever forgive him, and I said I didn't know. That was just his way of half-assing it, he didn't really want to work it out at all. He didn't even try to talk to me after that beyond asking when he could get his stuff from the house.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Does threatening suicide count? Does saying he doesn't know who he is without me count? Or am I just being manipulated? I don't know. I feel like everyone has their own agenda and what's best for ME has fallen to the side.
My XH used to say things like this, too.
But it's not your job to give him an identity. In fact, it's an impossible task.
I financially supported my exH for over a year prior to our divorce. I bought a nice house right before our wedding, I paid all of his car insurance and phone bills and whatnot, and I never bothered him to get a job. I didn't want to nag. So he comes home drunk, yells at me for hours, tells me he's been cheating on me (with my best friend, among others) and then the next morning he tells me ITS OKAY! We can work it out! We can get past it! And he is AMAZED that I said no! Just shocked. Loser. Haha.
This was my reality - for such a long time. My ex is the exact definition of a narcissist. To this day, he still tries to manipulate me (even after I moved out in March, and got an annulment in October). He was so good at it in the beginning. I suspected he was cheating, and he made me think I was stupid and paranoid. Then we got married and I found proof. Hence, the annulment. It was complete fraud on his part. He loved the double life and the sneaking around.
He still tells me to this day that he'll always be madly in love with me, and he doesn't plan on being with any other woman ever. I call bullshit and have blocked his calls, emails, etc.
Threatening suicide is definitely a form of manipulation. My ex did this. He texted me a picture of his feet, standing on the edge of an I-5 overpass asking me if he should jump at 3am. Not cool. Block his emails and calls, DO NOT talk to him at all.