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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
S/O Financial irresponsibility
There was a post below about whether you would date a guy that was financially irresponsible. Many people said no. Question... how do you know someone financial situation if you are just dating them? What questions do you ask them and at what point in the dating process is this appropriate?
Re: S/O Financial irresponsibility
Eh, it comes out.
I noticed that The Artist always paid for things with his debit card. One day I made a comment that I had the same bank as him. Another day, I was paying, and the place didn't take Discover, so I handed over my MasterCard instead. It came out that The Artist only has one credit card (I only have two, but you know), and he usually doesn't even have it with him. Apparently his parents taught him that you should only buy what you can afford right now. We've maybe had one other conversation about it. We discovered that our parents raised us with really similar attitudes toward money and credit.
It comes out, that's all I'm saying.
We've been dating for 3 months. I started noticing that it was always the debit card probably after the first few weeks. We had the conversation about credit cards and the attitudes about money we were raised with probably 9 weeks in. It came up relatively naturally.
FWIW, I have no idea how much money he makes or what his rent and other bills/debts are. But I'm not worried about those things because we've had those couple of conversations that showed me that he has a smart attitude about money. I can extrapolate at this point, as much as I need to for being 3 months into something.
I kind of had an advantage on this one, since the FF and I got re-connected all because he went into the credit union where my mom works to get a loan for his camper. Obviously she didn't disclose details to me, just that he has good credit and is financially responsible.
But, like PP's have said, it normally just comes out over time. You may not be able to tell if they have bad credit from past mistakes and are working to improve that, but you can obviously tell if they pay for everything with a CC, spend money beyond their means (if you have an idea of their income & bills), etc.
Or, maybe a way to find out would be to ask a random question like "If you were given $5,000, what would you do with it?"
It comes out. And then if I have a question, I ask.
I know what he makes, how much his rent, car payment, and cell phone bills are, what his one credit card limit is, and have some vague knowledge of some things on his credit history.
Some of it just comes out in general conversation, and we've had some discussions about money matters. We've been together 3 months.
I do worry a bit, because I make 25% more than he does. I do kick in a little more when we go out than I normally would with guys (mostly because it's my idea to go). But I'm not sure how I feel about making more than him.
When I started dating BF he was unemployed (judge away), so money talk was pretty early on for us. He let me know that he was debt free except his mortgage and he was going to school full time. I knew he got unemployment and was making efforts to get any type of job that would hire him. While I know this situation isn't one that happens often, it was easy for us to talk about.
I think money, sex, children & religion are all good topics to discuss fairly early in dating - they are huge issues that cause a lot of problems in relationships. And by early in dating I mean if you're starting an exclusive relationship - not someone you're just having fun with.
I think these things come out...if not early on, then certainly within a few months.
You'll notice what kind of restaurant a guy likes....does he go to a high-end restaurant only for special occasions (birthday, anniversary), or go all of the time? Does he cook his own food? What kind of car does he drive? Does he research the best brand when he shops for an appliance (not the most expensive or trendy, but reads about how reliable a product is, costs of repair, etc.).
Does he pay extra $ "for the convenience?" Does he get the newest techie gear? How is his home / apt furnished? Does he ever say "what a waste of money?" or "I'd never spend money on that?"
I took note of his spending habits right away. I am a saver (big time) and looking far into the future, I don't want to be with someone who lives paycheck to paycheck because they don't see saving money as a priority.
Because this is important to me, I was very straight forward with him. A good friend of mine recently told me that she found out her live-in boyfriend has horrible credit and is in a lot of debt. I didn't want any surprises, so I just started a very open and honest financial conversation with him.
The conversations went like this:
We were talking about where he lives, which is a trendy area of town. He said, "I looked around a lot, and jumped on this apartment when I found it. I'm getting a great deal. I'm only paying $510 a month, and the apartments directly across the street are going for $750. And he doesn't make me pay for my cat, either."
We were talking about my cell phone contract being up in December, and I was debating on whether to stay with AT&T or not. I asked him what company he had, what his plan was, and how much it was a month to help my comparison.
We were talking about job hunting, and he said, "My industry is really small here in the city, and it would be hard to even apply for another company because we all have such ties to each other. Besides, this job pays $X all over the city, the same as what I make already, so there wouldn't be much point in changing."
I mentioned that I was dying to get a new car, but I didn't want the payment, and he said, "Even though my car is 5 years newer than yours is, it's totally not worth the $X per month payment. Keep your paid off car for a while, lol"
He was very excited to get a bonus at work, and said that he was planning on paying off his credit card with it. He said that he needed to start "playing the game" with charging and paying off, because he needed a higher limit than what he had, and told me what it was.
See? Very easy.
We're very open about EVERYTHING. From date one, we were talking about things that people don't usually talk about for months. And in the first 2 months, we were seeing each other 3 nights a week and most of the weekend, so we had a lot of time to talk.
Meh...I'm not sure this can tell you much. I pay for everything (and I mean everything) on my credit card. BUT, I only have one credit card, and I pay off the entire balance at the end of each month. I have never carried a balance on it, and my credit is excellent. It seems more secure to me than a debit card, since the money isn't gone right away, so if there is a fraudulent charge, you have time to catch it and challenge it. I keep a close eye on my accounts, and I don't live beyond my means.
BF disclosed his salary to me after 3 months just because we were talking about finances. Just naturally came up and he didnt mind sharing. He is not rich, but he is good with his money and always has enough in savings for 6 months of expenses. He also has very little debt.
I brought up the conversation b/c I wanted to be honest with him that my divorce put me in a tough spot financially. I believe in full disclosure and didn't want to hide things since we were getting pretty serious. It isn't too horrible, but it will take me a year to get back on track. He understood and shared his beliefs about money.
I live exactly this way, too. Plus, CCs get you more rewards/cash back
I don't think it is totally inappropriate to discuss it early on. As long as you aren't probing them about their salary and money they have in the bank ya know?
I think it came out on date two with the BF bc we were talking about deal breakers. I said irresponsibility would be a deal breaker and we discussed it from there.
To me I just feel like it naturally comes up... we've talked about it fairly extensively and I'm very direct about the fact that I handle my money fairly well and financial responsibility is a huge turn on.
He pays cash for almost everything when he's not putting it on his business credit card. He's mentioned his talks with his financial planner to get his retirement fund back on track and he's told me that all of his cars are paid off... I think it's important that a man is fairly open about sharing financial info... obviously not everything, but the fact that he's proud of his responsibility and is willing to share the info here and there says a lot.
With XH, we had a discussion about it after we got engaged. It also helps that I am an accountant. He told me that he was not good with money and would want me to handle finances and give him an allowance. I agreed, glad that he disclosed it to me.
Wouldnt you know, he used that as one of the reasons he was unhappy.
I think it's fairly easy to tell how someone views/handles finances even without knowing salary and other really personal info. Someone who has to have all the toys (new truck, boat, etc.) but cannot possibly make enough money to save and support his spending is a red flag. I dated a guy like that and he was going through a short sale on his house. I realize that is pretty common these days but it just seemed like all of that was important to him. And he didn't have any trouble throwing out there how much he made, how much his new boat was, how much he'd paid for his truck, etc.
Basically what I'm saying is, I think it's pretty easy to tell early on if someone is conservative or not, and how they view money (are they using it for status/prestige and trying to make up for something). Just use common sense.