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Advice needed
Hi all! I'm new here. I usually hang out over on thebump on the multiples board because I have 10 1/2 month old twin boys. I thought it would be appropriate to post here about my marital issues.
My husband and I married young. I'm 23 and he's 24 and we've only been married almost 2 years. We got pregnant accidentally 3 months after we got married and we are not even financially independent yet. My grandparents support us as he is in grad school and I just graduated from college and am trying to find work.
It has been stressful to say the least and this may seem silly but we are having a lot of problems. I need help around the house and I feel like he should be helping a lot seeing as how he wants to be the "stay at home dad" and he tells everyone that's what he is even though now since I'm not working I am doing by far most of the work. Every time I ask him for help or ask him to do something he seems angry and is clearly resenting me for it. I also feel like he doesn't respect or appreciate anything I do. When I've addressed this with him he usually either turns it around on me or says that what I do isn't important (i.e. he doesn't value cleaning as much as me, etc). I tell him constantly that it would be so much easier for me to do all that I do if I felt appreciated, but he just doesn't care. I don't know what to do, the more I hold it in the more resentful I get but every time I try to talk to him about it we get nowhere and I end up feeling more hurt.
Anyone have any advice for me?
wwww.thesojournersheart.blogspot.com
Re: Advice needed
Cute kiddoes!:)
Age is a factor regarding a lot of these problems --- yeah, sit down and talk to him; you need to tell him what you told us. Tell him exactly what you told us.
It's only common sense for him to pitch in. You can't be pulling the entire load.
I sure hope he is equal parenting.
Do you think that making a chore list would help you both out? If everyone knows exactly what is expected of them then it can help ease the "you're bossing me around" issue that he might be feeling.
I highly suggest maybe taking a look at flylady.com it might give you some more ideas, especially on the chores that should be done daily instead of weekly or vise versa.
How long ago did you become unemployed?
He's pretty much only at school at night, so once I am working he really will be the stay at home dad most of the time. he's working on his phd to be a college professor because we're planning to be dual income
thanks for the suggestion, i'll check it out.
i've never had a full time job. i just graduated from college in August. i'm now in school on saturdays getting my paralegal certificate and i have an internship, but i will drop it as soon as i've found full time work.
I'm curious about him going to grad school, but being a SAHD too. Is this something you guys discussed and agreed on? Not trying to change your mind, but depending on his field, if he has a graduate degree, he will probably be able to bring home more money then you can. Something for you guys to think about and discuss.
I would suggest sitting down and splitting the chores, but you said whenever you try to talk, you end up feeling more hurt and getting nowhere. What's happening? If you guys can't communicate, sounds like counseling will help.
I don't understand him feeling resentful towards you about cleaning. He lives there too, you aren't his maid, you're his wife.
So, you've talked to him about this repeatedly, right?
'Cause if that's that case, I really don't see how a fecking "chore list" will help.
Have you told him to stop telling people he's a SAHD, because he does a pisspoor job of it?
Besides school, what is he doing with his time? Is he actively involved with the boys or just hanging out while you do everything?
Do you live on your own or with your grandparents?
Firstly, your boys are adorable.
What exactly is it that he says that makes you feel even more resentful? I'm a FTM and a SAHM right now, and I've had the pitch in and help talk with MH twice now. He doesn't get pissy when I bring it up, but I think it's all in the delivery as well, how are you approaching the situation? Are you saying "Honey, you're so great with the boys, but do you think you could help me with X Y and Z?" or are you coming at him with "You don't help me, you just don't do anything unless I nag you to death!"
I know my husband would respond poorly to the second one, as would most people on the planet. No one wants to be told they aren't doing their part, but if you approach it the right way, if he's an adult, he should respond to it better than he is. You are both young, and I'm sure that does play some part, but you are not his mother or his maid, you are his wife, and he needs to realize that, and quick.
Does he get defensive like you are calling him lazy? If so maybe he just realizes that he is not doing as much as he could be around the house. It could be a good thing if you show him "this cool site you found on the internet that you would like to give a try"
we live on our own - my grandparents just pay for now
he does spend a lot of time doing his homework which mainly consists of reading. he does spend time with the boys and will do stuff for them without me having to ask a good bit of the time. most of the stuff that i have a hard time getting him to do is cooking (i think he's done it under 5 times - like a full meal), dishes, general cleaning, etc. he has told me before that he needs lists, so like if i'm gonna be gone i can right out a very specific list of things he needs to do and he will generally do it. it can just be frustrating to have to write out what i need him to do every day, and generally if i need him to do something and i think it needs to be done ASAP like say, doing the dishes, he won't really do that when i ask him.
honestly, it's more that i just want to feel appreciated for the work i do. if i felt like it mattered to him or that he realized how much i do it would be so much easier, but i guess you can't really change the way a person feels.
yeah, he definitely gets defensive and i feel like that's kinda why we never get anywhere with talking about it. sometimes he'll even say i'm calling him lazy when i never even used the word! yeah - i think i'll just have to come up with some way to split things up using a chart and that will help.
I know there are lot of women who are under the impression that they just need to tell the men in their lives what chores to do so they'll get done. Just make him a list, he isn't a mind reader!
And while I get that maybe this is something that helps to facilitate communication about housework, and how to divvy it up, I don't think it's fair to let men continually fall back on this excuse.
Men are not stupid. They know what needs to be done. They know that the kitchen and bathroom don't clean themselves. They can see the dirt build up in the toilet. They can see the pile of laundry growing bigger day by day. They know that the carpet needs to be vacuumed every now and then, at least.
I feel like women need to stop coddling men when it comes to housework. They're just as capable as we are of getting off theirasses for half an hour and cleaning the kitchen.
Well, he told you he needs a list so if you want him to do these things, make him a list! Yes, you think he should be able to see the dirt or "know" what needs to be done, but that clearly isn't working. You say that cleaning isn't as important to him as it is to you; is he a slob or are you a clean freak? Or are you both somewhere in the middle? We had a woman on here several years ago complaining that her husband didn't clean; it turns out she was a psycho cleaner who washed her kitchen rugs every day along with a ton of other things that didn't need to be done.
I'd rather take 10 minutes and make out a list, even if I think it's unnecessary, than deal with resentment + a dirty house.
You have to work with what he gives you.
Hell I need a reminder for certain chores, why wouldn't a man lol.
Cleaning shouldn't be done only when you see dirt, it should be done before dirt even appears if possible. That is why having a chore list is so important. Not only does it divy up who does what so things don't get done twice, but it also provides as a cleaning schedule. I find it helpful, but it might not work for everyone.
omg please stop doling out advice
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
It's reasonably clear from your previous posts that you don't know jack shiit about sharing around the chores with the other people that live in your house.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Yes, I am not good at sharing chores, but it is a lot easier for everyone when everything is written down. The few chores I gave the boys on the chart worked out well, they just knew to do it before the tv comes on. Easy solution, she agreed it might be worth trying if it doesn't work it doesn't work. No different then the advice anyone gave me.
I agree with this. Also - when he is in grad school, when will he have time to do homework if he is going to be caring for twins all day? When they're 2, they are going to be a lot more mobile and a lot quicker than they are now, and they'll also be able to get into things a lot faster. How does he plan to entertain them and complete his schoolwork at the same time?
Is this a joke?
What if they got married in Vegas?
Does Elvis do house calls?
What if a JOP married them?
Perhaps a crystal ball would be a better option here since she expects him to be a mind reader.
And how exactly would that play out?
H: I need a list so I know exactly what she would like done.
W: ZOMGISHOULDN'THAVETOMAKEALISTHESHOULDJUSTKNOW!!!!
Officiant: Lady, write the damn list
Is this a joke??
OP, 1. your boys are absolutely adorable, I would like to squeeze them.
2. Try the list thing. It may be helpful. Some people really do need a list. I'm one of them, lol
3. Counseling may help you two communicate better about this stuff without feeling like you are getting nowhere, have you brought up counseling and what has your H said?